Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Wordless Walker Wednesday

July 4th, 2006
13 weeks old

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Saying Goodbye

This weekend we had two funerals to attend. Since they were both on the same day and at the same time, we had to go to visitation for one Saturday and the funeral for the other today. One was for my dear friend Kristi's mom and the second was a wonderful man that had worked with my husband. Both from cancer, one was diagnosed and was quick to take an 80 year old woman's life and one a brain tumor that was diagnosed 5 years ago.

Funerals, they are so difficult. This is only the second one I have attended since Walker's. The first one was my father-in-law last Thanksgiving. As you sit there in the church or chapel, you are saddened about the effect this has had on their families and friends. You wonder what their tomorrow will bring, how long before the shock wears off and reality sets in. As I sat there separated from my husband as he sat with the police officers in the front, I thought about Walker.

Selfishly, I was consumed with my own grief of losing my 17 weeks old son. To say that I relived his service would be a lie, I was so filled with shock and grief most of that day is a blur to me. Although I know there were hundreds and hundreds of people there to show their respect to Jeff and I, I was consumed with my own emotions.

The question that keeps running through my head is "why funerals?" Is this the only way we have to really accept that the former life we had is over? That after this service our life has to change? We appreciate the show of support and respect, but the suffering has just begun. As everybody leaves and go on with there lives they will be reminded of our pain and loss periodically, but the devastation that is in the pits of our stomachs never seems to leave.

Yes, we survived as these families will too. We live with the memories that our loved one left us with and thank God for the time he gave us with them. This is just a cycle of life and we know that one day we will all be together again. Each day without them is still difficult and gut wrenching. Tell your family, friends, children and neighbors what they mean to you. You will never regret it. Love everyone around you the best you can! You will be a better person because of it.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Merry (Late) Christmas!

Christmas Day

For some reason our camera(s) is having lighting issues. We look very washed out, but here we are anyway.

We made a very bad decision on a day we are already sad and depressed. We went to see "Marley & Me". I read the book, thinking we were prepared for the parts of it that were sad, but not a chance. The movie made it much worse than I remember in the book. Although there were very funny part, they did not make up for how sad it was overall. Obviously, people had either not read the book or like me thought it would focus more on the funny stuff than the sad, but the theatre was full of children on Christmas Day. YIKES!!

This is a fair warning, don't go unless you need a seriously good crying. Jeff has walked around since and states over and over again, "that was the saddest movie ever". You have been warned.

We had a few people over for dinner, it was small and relaxing. We missed our family a great deal and wished we could have been with them. Hoping you all enjoyed your holiday.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Crazy Work People

Everybody has them right? The people that just absolutely drive you bonkers at work. We have one! Just one, it is a small office 3 men and 6 women. I am sure that at some point we have all gotten on each others nerves, because are space is small and our business is stressful, but one -she is bad.

She insists on talking on personal calls at work, like hours at a time. 155 personal calls in 24 days. Doesn't that seem excessive? According to our boss (hmmm, never mind) why does it matter she gets her work done. And when she isnt on the phone, she is wondering around the office getting into everybody elses business. What about the rest of us? How can we get our work done?

Who wants to listen to somebody talk about everything, I mean EVERYTHING personal in their lives? I don't want to know that much about people I work with. And the under her breath smart comments about everybody and everything. She is CRAZY, truly certifiable. Passive aggressive at best.

How do you handle the crazy people at work? Do you ignore them? Do you give it back to them? When your blood pressure is through the roof because you have so much work and cannot concentrate for a 45 year old women talking to her mama and papa and her baby girl, who by the way is her niece and she is 5 years old.

Well, for another day as I like to fondly refer to it "As the Trailer Turns", I will sign off and pray for Peace at work tomorrow.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

One Week

Amazing that another year has almost passed us by. I keep telling myself that I have to pick myself up and live my life. Can't go back and fix anything and can't create my future. Much easier said than done though. I still get those twinges of guilt when I laugh or have fun. Just knowing my little man isn't here anymore is very sobering.
As the rest of the world prepares to enjoy the holiday season and celebrate with family, I just want to cover my head and wake up on January 1st.
We (I) have make great strides this year, put up the tree and decorated it. Put wreathes on my doors and a few scattered holiday things out around the house. Small, very small steps. No gifts and no celebrations at this point. No, I am not punishing myself, the holiday spirit is just not in me.
We may actually go and see Marley and Me at the theatre on Christmas Day. Since we also have a Marley, named Doc, we should enjoy this movie. The book was great, although sad at parts, it was still very funny.
All you crazy last minute shopping people - enjoy your last week of extreme stress. When I was a gift giver my shopping was usually done by Thanksgiving!!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Wordless Walker Wednesday

June 18, 2006
Father's Day
10 Weeks Old

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Hopeful when Hopeless

It doesn't really make sense does it? Being hopeful and hopeless at the same time? It should if you deal with infertility. I have tried to stay positive in this 2 year hike of trying to get pregnant again, but every month I am reminded that it may just be hopeless. Am I PMS'ing? Yes, I am emotional and sad.
HOPE, what happened to it?

Everyday I look around at the people who "think" about starting a family and bam! they have as many kids as they could possibly dream of. I HATE being mad at the majority of the world for their happiness. I was them once. We had a beautiful baby boy who was perfect in every way. Then one horrible night it was over. Never to be had again.
HOPE, where are you?

Some days I feel like it will be okay if I am never a parent again, others I wonder if I can truly make it through another minute of this life without a baby again. The world is so ignorant to all of the people suffering from infertitility. I am so sick of people asking me if we are going to try again? Don't we want another child? They mean well and it is my fault for not sharing what we have gone through, but the pressure is to much for me. The cliche responses are not what I need to hear.
HOPE, are you just a dream?

I prayed for a Christmas miracle this year. Even if I could have just wrapped up an EPT test with two lines for my husband for Christmas this year. Yes, I know next year is a new year it will be better!! Will it? I have been telling myself that since that dreadful night in 2006 that it will.

HOPE, will you please come back to me?

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Wordless Walker Wednesday

April 23, 2006
18 days old
Hanging on one of daddies co-workers car!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

What are you Reading?

Anybody that knows me well knows how much I love to read. Everything, pretty much any genre of book is good with me. I have several books going at one time with several waiting to be read. Actually a whole big bag of books to be read.

What I am reading now, The Bible, "Where is God when it Hurts?", "Face the Fire" and "The Infertility Cure. What I have just finished, "The Shack", "The Ruins" and about 20+ books from Nora Roberts.

What I am wanting to read, "The Purpose of Christmas" by Rick Warren.

Suggestions? Must reads? Just plain ideas or gotta have on my bookshelf?

I feel like am just floating around lately. I don't really feel grounded or focused. Why??? Time of year, just my normal depressing attitude or am I losing it completely?

PLEASE give me some books that will fix me, is that even possible do you think? Oh well, it keeps me occupied and not thinking about what neurosis I may have.

Happy Reading!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Wordless Walker Wednesday

May 30, 2006

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Happy Birthday!!

To my amazing husband! You are the light in my every day. You have this unique ability to make every situation lighter and funnier than it really is. You make me smile when I want to scream.

I cannot imagine my life without you. I am a better person because of you.

I love you!!!

Happy Birthday Jeff!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Holiday Hooplah

I am a Ba-Humbug!! Not because I want to be, but it is truly how I feel. For the first time since 2005 I put up our Christmas tree. It has always been one of my favorite holidays and even though it is about Christ birth, it is about children. And it reminds me of what I have lost.

That I never took Walker to sit on Santas lap, to take pictures of him in front of the Christmas tree, have him participate in the church Christmas Eve service. To see the joy and surpise on his face as he was surrounded with the gifts and paper that he was spoiled with. Turning on the radio or walking thru a store you are constantly reminded of the time of year that is upon us. I want to wake up and it be January 1st. A new year has to be better, doesn't it?

Every year that is what goes thru my mind, but midway thru January the disappointment sets in that it is all the same, just a new year that it is occurring in. When does it get better? When can I just say " I WILL be happy this year" and mean it?

Although my family and friends surround us with love, I dont really feel it deep in my heart. It is like I have built this wall around me the last couple of years to protect myself it seems that nothing can penetrate it and maybe that is how I truly want it? What brings joy also brings sadness??

Wake up tomorrow and LOVE what is around you. Appreciate the joys in life for they can be few and taken from you quickly. Pray for those of us that just don't seem to get it lately.

We watched "Fireproof" yesterday and it was AWESOME!! I want to be in, please pray for me to get there!!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!

We are in Florida now to celebrate the holiday with Jeff's brother and his family. We drove down last night between the traffic and the police EVERYWHERE we finally made it.
I missed Wordless Walker Wednesday so here is a photo a day late. Can you guess the secret I was sharing with him??
I am so thankful for God in my life, the time I had with my beautiful son, my husband, my family and all my wonderful friends. To list a few.
Have a wonderful day!!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Kitchen Help

So we remodeled our kitchen last December. These are the pictures we took the day it was finished. Before we moved everything back in and replaced that horrible window. My need is tile backsplash. The granite is called Labrodrite Green Light. It appears more grey in these pictures than it is. Below is a picture of our island and the closest picture of the granite.

This is our wet bar, we removed the breakfast area and made the island 5X9 for eating and entertaining. Our dining room is about 10 steps to the right, no sense in having two tables that close together. Yes, it is huge. We LOVE it though. We never thought to reinforce the floor in the basement for this 1,000 lb slab. Yes, 1000 pounds of granite right there in the center of the kitchen.
This is the view coming in from the garage door. I want tile on the wet bar too.

I would love a design of some sort right above the stove. My favorite thing about my new kitchen. It is a large area, the stove is 48 inches. Do I pick a small design and center it in the area or a larger more rectangle one?

Standing in the dining room looking into the kitchen.

It took me forever to design this kitchen. I have no decorating sense at all. If it does obviously go together, I don't think about it. PLEASE help.
Ideas, pictures, insert of ideas from other kitches. I really, really need the help. Not only do I need help with design ideas, but the color to use. The green is a really unique color and I am afraid the typical tan/brown will look awful.
Honestly, you would be shocked at the kitchen before, it really need the makeover. At least, that is what I kept telling my husband when we started the project.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Wordless Walker Wednesday

April 5, 2006
Walker hours old

This is actually one of my favorite pictures of him.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

This is what scares me...

I think everybody who goes through some type of fertility issues thinks about adoption. Domestic or international. There a million options available if you choose that route. BUT, what if you get all the way down to the wire and the mother backs out?

I know the payoffs are and can be incredible, but the devastation of losing a child is unbearable. I couldn't go through it again.

Please pray for this courageous family. They have been put in a horrible situation and could use all the prayers we can send their way. Also, pray for the birth mother. Surely she did not get this far to just yank this baby away from these wonderful parents she picked to raise her daughter. She is obviously experiencing a great deal of emotions and pain too.

Pray that God helps lead them all to where he wants them to be. To help heal the broken hearts of who does not have a baby girl with them at home.

Monday, November 17, 2008

WOW! I needed this...

My life is but a weaving, between my God and me,
I do not choose the colors, He worketh steadily,
Oftimes He weaveth sorrow, and I in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper, and I the underside.
Not till the loom is silent, and shuttles cease to fly,
Will God unroll the canvas and explain the reasons why.
The dark threads are as needful in the skillful Weaver's hand,
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.

All out of Gas!

That is me, I am exhausted. Emotionally and physically. I need to start by saying I LOVE Jason, Wendy and Sam. I am THRILLED and EXCITED for their parenthood journey. On the other ugly hand, I miss my little man tremendously. He is supposed to be here to teach little Sam all the things he would have already learned at his big age of 2 1/2. They would have been best friends just like their parents are, now he will find a new best friend to grow up with and to make all his memories with.

I am sad and feeling very sorry for myself. I am ashamed that I have this in my head and my heart, when I have so much joy for them. How is the possible to have your body, heart and mind split in two?

I never thought twice about being there with them thru all of this, it came naturally. I have tried not to think about us and Walker while we have been with them. This time has been about their miracle and the AWESOME journey they are getting ready to embark on. They will be incredible parents.

None of these feelings are about them, they are about my crazy rollercoaster of grief. The horrible grief of not having Walker anymore and remembering the day he was born and the pity party I have for myself knowing that I am still NOT pregnant. I know God has a plan for us, I am just really struggling to stay hopeful and positive. I want to feel the joy of having another child. To know that we will be blessed again just like we were with Walker.

It is so hard to not fall into the pit, that big scary hole that I was in and maybe never really made it all the way out of. It is so dark and lonely there, really just so much effort goes into making it thru each day. Praying for the day to be over to just get to another week, another month. To get all the sadness behind me.

Over two years has passed me by since we lost him, they just passed me by. Telling myself that I have to live for today, but I am having a hard time enjoying what today is. I still want to rewind the clock of life and go back.

To say that I am angry with myself would be an understatement. I dont want these feelings, I want to be a better person. To have all this happiness and joy without one spot of envy. To know that everybody's else gifts dont have to be tainted by my sadness and loss.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

A New Addition

Samuel Thomas has arrived via c-section, Saturday November 15, 2008. He was 4lbs. 15 oz. 18 1/2 inches long. Both he and mommy are doing well.

He is a little munchkin, but is doing well. Please continue to pray for both of them to be ready to leave the hospital together. Thank for all of the prayers you sent to both of them, they were felt by all of us.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Please Pray!!

Our friend, Wendy (yes, who I had the shower for) has been put into the hospital tonight. She is 36 1/2 weeks and has high protein in her urine and high blood pressure. She has preeclampsia, do you have or are you in? Either way, both appear to be healthy and the doctors state they have her in for 24 hour observation.

From what I have read and talked to other people who have had these issues, she will probably be induced this weekend. Sunday she will be 37 weeks, so it is in the safe delivery zone.

Please pray that everything stays calm and there are no problems with baby Sam or mama Wendy.

Thank you.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Wordless Walker Wednesday

Sunday, April 16th, 2006
Walker on Easter - 11 days old

I know that most people do wordless Wednesday, but I am going to make Wordless Walker Wednesday. I will post one (or more) of his pictures. Some people have never been able to see the entire album.

I am now using this as that venue!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Five Years Ago Today

November 8, 2005 - DMW married her hero, superstar, dream man - JJS. This day five years ago I married my best friend. He is the man I only thought was in my dreams as a little girl. The first night I met him I said " I will marry that man!" There has been ups and downs in our 8 1/2 years together, but our bond couldn't be stronger now. I love him more than I ever though possible, thank God for him.

I love you JJS!!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Wordless Walker Wednesday

May 24, 2006 7 weeks old
(just for judy and shelley!)

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I Voted!

If you have read my previous posts you won't be surprised who I voted for, but I did vote straight ticket Republican!!

My prayer last night (along with asking for a baby) was that God put the man in office he feels will truly will serve our country to the best of their ability with no hidden agendas. It is truly a wonderful country we live in and with a little help from a friend or two it can get back on track. Proud to be an American still lives in me.

If you haven't yet, go VOTE!! If you are not sure who to vote for, call me I will give you some advice:-)

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Fall Colors and Beautiful Dogs

It was beautiful weather this weekend here in the South. It is hard to believe that it is already November. Another year almost past us, where does time go. The dogs and I spent a good portion of the afternoon playing outside enjoying the end of summer in November.

Pete is our German Shepard that is sick, but he loves playing and chewing on that silly ball. He could play for hours with that thing. Then there is my knuckle head, Doc. How this crazy, but perfect looking dog came from the same genes as my sweet, mild mannered Riggs I will never know.
Just a few picture of some of the trees in our yard and the gorgeous blue sky that we had all weekend.

Hope your weekend was beautiful too! Have a wonderful week.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

State of the Society

I had this great post all worked up in my mind yesterday about this election and all the things that are making me so angry. Well, I went out for drinks with some co-workers and it didn't get posted. Now I have calmed down a little and sorted out in my mind, what I shouldn't say.

Everybody needs to vote, it is our right as American citizens. We can all sit around and complain about what is wrong and what we want from our world. If we dont vote, we lose the right. I should say I don't care who you vote for, but I would be lying. Everybody wants you to see their candidate as the ideal one for the country, but that would make the world a much calmer more relaxed place to live.

One of the things that got me fired up yesterday was a political stunt that used Halloween as it's excuse. This is completely offensive to me, click here. This should be offensive to all of you too. Can you IMAGINE the headlines if this was done to the other candidate? It is disgusting!! I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green or anything in between, it should be offensive.

It would be naive of me to hope that race won't be a deciding factor in alot of peoples minds. Either for or against, any questions, click here. (it may be offensive) I could only hope that people could really look at the facts of each candidate and make the best decision for them. It is completely absurd to not vote Republican because you think it may be more of the same. Bush and McCain are two completely different people with completely different backgrounds.

I have only been old enough to vote for the last 20 years and in that time I cannot recall a time that I voted for a Democrat in any election. This will not be the year that I change my history. I will be voting for John McCain. I look at their platforms and goals for their presidency, I agree with more of John McCain's ideals.

Something to ponder as you prepare to vote on Tuesday, November 4th, click here.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Absolutely Nothing to Contribute

I have had nothing to say lately, which for those of you that know me personally is a miracle. I really have so much going on in my head that none of it can be made in one great post. I love Fall, I love the smell in the air, the colors all around us, pumkins, Halloween costumes for kids and all the family things there are to do. I hate Fall now.... just kidding.

We went to the apple orchard last Sunday, the weather was beautiful. I knew before suggesting the trip that it would be filled with families. It was, but it was okay. As time has passed though I find myself being jealous of the little boys running around picking apples from the trees from their daddies shoulders or feeding the goats and sheep on the "little farm" area. I kept imagining what Walker would be like at 2 1/2 years old, how much fun would he be having? Everytime I saw a little blonde hair boy toddling around it tugged at my heart and filled my eyes with tears.

The green eyed monster, jealousy, is a horrible feeling. It doesn't do anybody any good, but very hard to get rid of completely. Although, I am getting better at enjoying other peoples children again, I leave feeling very empty and lost.

Our pastor today asked us all today if we were lost. If we knew God in such a way that we knew without a doubt that if we died today we would go to Heaven. It was a tough question. Sitting in my chair, I prayed for forgiveness of my sins, including jealousy, anger, frustration and begged God to save me. I want to know that I am not lost permanently, just on a really curvy road of life. All of these things that have happened to us and the ones that will happen to us, will just lead us to the ultimate place we were meant to go, Heaven.

Where I will live eternity with our great Father, who has created the most beautiful apple orchards that I will get to take Walker to any day we choose.

Thank you God, for what you have done in our lives and continue to do. Please forgive me for the times that I am so obsessed with myself that I forget about you. Lord, open my head and my heart to know you in those times and feel you arms around me when I feel like I am falling.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Choosing not to Vaccinate

I have posted about this before and was happy to see some of the comments. What I need now is help for my pregnant friend. She and her husband are with us on not vaccinating, but are finding it incredibly difficult to find a doctor that is willing to work with them. If any of you live in the Upstate of SC and know of any doctors, GP or Ped, that works with non-vaccinating parents please leave me a comment.

As I have said before that it is an extremely personal choice that you have to make as a parent. Why is it that everybody else makes it so difficult for you to make? The medical community FORCES us to follow there schedule or you cannot find a doctor.

Need more reading material for vaccinating or not - 909shot and think twice . Be glad you have never been in our shoes.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Fertile Soul

Not mine necessarily, but it is out there for all of you too. After our "chemical pregnancy" I decided I needed a much needed break. I have been on some type of drug for almost two years. I am physically, emotionally and spiritually broken. What was needed was some healing from the inside out.

As many of you, it seems like I have read every fertility site out there just to find another one. Well that is how it happened. Check out The Fertile Soul , it combines alot of Eastern medicine with Western medicine. I have read her book "The Infertility Cure" and where is does not give you a cure, it really gives some points to ponder.

While searching thru the website I found an acupunturist in my city and have been going for four weeks now. I am back to doing BBT charts for her review and changing my habits drastically. No caffeine, no alochol, all drinks at room temp or warmer, no sugar, no wheat, no pasta, no dairy. Hmm, doesn't leave much left in my normal diet. It has been told to me by the 3rd acupunturist that I have a blood defiency. How do they determine that you ask?? By looking at my tongue.

Yep, my days of donating blood every 45 days has ended and I am trying to eat alot more green leafy vegetables that help produce blood. Brussel sprouts, kale, swiss chard, etc. It is working out ok, but dairy, sugar, pasta...HELP ME!! I am not even supposed to drink de-caf coffee. She says the process that the beans go thru to be de-caffeniated make it bad for you.

Three months, three long months. I haven't gone cold turkey on anything but the caffeine and mostly the alochol. She said as long as I was 80/20 she could live with that, so that is my goal. Give it up 80% of the time.

She hasn't given me a "diaganosis" yet, but continues to treat me for blood issues and emotionally issues. She said she feels alot of my infertility has to do with the loss of Walker and how it has deeply affected my core. Hmmm, I guess that wasn't to hard to figure. Oh well, I really like her and she is very calming and soothing. I on the other hand talk to loud when I am there, probably disturbing her other patients and get side tracked talking about who knows what, but she laughs and tells me I make her day brigher. Do I hear discount??

I am fixing the inside first, my heart, my head, the Holy Spirit living in me. Hopefully, the rest of my body will follow the lead.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Baby Shower

Well today I hosted a baby shower at my home (with the help of few other people)! Yes, a baby shower. Our dear friends who are very important to us are having their first baby, Samuel Thomas. He is due to enter this world on December 7th and they are very excited.

His mommy gave me plenty of opportunity to back out if I felt it would be to difficult for me emotionally. Yes, she is one of the most gracious generous loving people you will ever meet. I stood firm and said it we all be fine.

As the time has passed I was getting a tad bit anxious of how exactly I would feel, how would I react to all those diapers, small baby boy outfits and lots blue everywhere. Would I be a complete wreck and ruin it for her? Would I be on the verge of a breakdown every time somebody looked at me? Should I really do this, I want it to be perfect for HER, I did not want it to be about me.

Well, I am happy to announce that I changed my way of thinking days before the shower. This is NOT about me, it IS about her and Sam (and hubby of course) and things will go perfectly.

She had a baby shower for me when I was pregnant with Walker. She was the only one besides my husband and parents that watched Walker when I needed to go somewhere. They are also the same people who opened their home to all of our family and friends when we lost Walker. We had at least 10 people staying in their home on that horrible weekend, since I was unable to come back to our house for almost two weeks after it happened. This was so small on the scale of things I could do for them. They mean the world to us as friends, they are our family.

We had a wonderul day. The weather was cool, but the sun was out and the Fall colors were starting to show everywhere. We had a great brunch and great company. There were great gifts and lots of advice for the new mommy! I hope she enjoyed her day, I hope that it meant as much to her as all of the things she has done for me. I hope she felt the day was all about her and her new family.

Lots of love to Jason, Wendy and Sam.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

October 15 National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

I grabbed this button from Our Own Creation , please click here to read more information. Please pray for all of us who have lost children regardless of the situation. I will be lighting a candle in memory of Walker from 7pm-8pm.

This really is not a "national" day, you will probably not even hear about this day unless it is on my blog or somebody else's. I doubt it will make the Today show or any other national talk show.

Hold somebody close, please get on your knees and pray to GOD for all of our pain, loss, frustration, anger, disappointment, lost dreams, no first birthday parties, no Christmas together as a family, no christening, no family vacation.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Continuing To Ask God for a Baby!

Ask and it shall be given..." Luke 11:9

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Devastation of Loss and Infertility

I read this poem weeks ago not really sure if I would post it or not. I am not worried about the backlash, my friends know that I think that they are wonderful mothers and adore/love their children. Those of you I don't know, I hope and pray that you are wonderful mothers and love your children immensely. I am tired, frustrated and sad today. I am lonley for Walker.

I am disheartened that this might be it for us, a life without anymore children. I have prayed (begged) God to bless us with more children, to allow us to be parents again. I have also prayed that if that is not HIS plan for us to please take away this need and desire from my heart (and head.) I still have this tremedous longing so I am hoping that means HE just isn't ready to give us more children. I am HOPEFUL that HIS plan is the same as mine. I would like to remind HIM that I am not a very patient person, but I have been trying to be for the last two years of this rollercoaster called infertitility.

I look at this beautiful face, his beautiful blue eyes with extremely long eyelashes (thanks to his daddy) and I ACHE. It is painful, so very painful that it is really hard to breathe. My happy baby, who I can only dream about now.

There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics or money
or because I have read more books,
but because I have lost,
I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life,
the people who truly have appreciation
are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore, and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake
in the middle of the night to the sound of my child,
knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him
and that I am not waking to take another temperature,
pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense;
that God has given me this insight,
this special vision with which I will look upon my child.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to
or a child that God leads me to,
I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment,
as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face,
yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me,
I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better,
I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn
to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Tired Tuesday

"Count it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."James 1:2-3

Monday, October 6, 2008

Fall Bike Rally 2008

It has been awhile since my last post. Between being very sick, very busy at work and being gone last weekend, I just didn't have time. Just a few pictures of me and my amazing husband this past weekend. Obviously, from the cocktail in my hand, I did feel better before we went. The weather was beautiful in Myrtle Beach and we had a great time. Unfortunately, Myrtle Beach City is trying to cancel the Spring and Fall Bike Rally since there has been some unfortunate incidents in the week following the Spring Rally. This may have been our last rally in SC, but it was great.

If you look very carefully you can see that massive seat that I sit on!!! It is actually much more comfortable than it appears.
Have a great week!!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

My Boy and His Toys

I get the TV and the computer today (along with all the housework) because my beloved is busy working on one of his toys. Yes, we bought the 1966 GTO on August 2, 2007, the first anniversary of Walker's Angel Day. He completely assured me that it was completely restored and would not require any additional work (or money)! Ha, how foolish of me to believe that silly statement. Now we have pulled the motor and transmission and had them rebuilt. Replaced the radiator, the starter and who knows what else he has "forgotten" to mention. It is pretty, but wasn't it hot in 1966? Vinyl seats and no air conditioning, hmmm...

We sold the last motorcycle and his jeep (another toy) to buy this beautiful car. He has been actually withering away from his sadness of not having a motorcycle. It has been FOREVER, the longest he has ever gone without having a bike (a whole 7 months). So needless to say this is our most recent purchase.

I know it is beautiful, but unnecessary. For those of you who are wondering where I sit, on the rear fender on a seat that has suction cups to keep it in place. Yea, my dream come true!!!
I have reminded him that 2009 is my year! I have no idea what I would like to purchase. Any suggestions???
What are your dream men's toys??

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Photo Bracelet

I found this beautiful bracelet from Adrienne who lost her son. I have gotten TONS of compliments on it and thought I would pass along the website. You can order online at
Kimbra Studios . It was extremely easy to download the pictures and move them around until you are happy with the final design.

I highly recommend the quality of this bracelet, it is waterproof and very durable. Great gift idea for somebody very special.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Lots Of Prayers

Please pray for this family - Cole Ruotsala . My heart aches for them during this time of loss. The grief they are dealing with is so overwhelming and consuming in every way.

Please appreciate your children in everyway. Even if you didn't get enough sleep last night, or they interrupted you on the phone, you were late for work, no drinks or dinner with friends. They are your children, God willing they will be with you for a very long time. For those of us who have lost our children, please LOVE yours with everything you have in you!!

Lord, watch over this family as they grieve the loss of their son. Even knowing that he is in a better place does not lessen the pain they feel right now. Hold your arms around them and keep them tightly in your grasp. They will need you to hold them up throughout this time of need. Watch over them as the grieve and pray to you for the safe keeping of their precious, Cole.
In your name Lord, Amen.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Jury Duty

How many of you out there have had to serve on jury duty? This was my first time. The first thing that came to mind was "how do I get out of this?" Not very patriotic of me is it? I did get it delayed because it was the same time our first IVF was scheduled, but it showed up again for this week.

I was not looking forward to juggling work and sitting in the courthouse all day. First let me say, my husband is a POLICE OFFICER!! Hello!!! What attorney wants me on their jury? Needless to say, I showed up everyday to be excused for the trials each and every day. At the end of the week even the judge knew me by name!! Oh well, I am excused for serving on Circuit Court jury for at least three years.

It was kind of interesting to see the "other side" of our justice system, different than the one I hear about and see at home. It would have been very difficult for me to have been impartial, but I would have tried.

Work has picked up again, mortgage rates dropped so we are having more refinances and purchases being scheduled. It helps my days go by faster alot less time to think about the things I want but dont have.

After leaving church this morning we were talking about the sermon that Pastor Ralph gave regarding that our goal in life should to be the determination on the race/game of building our relationship with God. That we should concentrate on the things in front of us and focus on winning. Of course, this is my interpretation of what was said, but that basically that this is the only "race" that matters. That when the day comes that we are standing in front of the Pearly Gates how do we stand according to the relationship with our Father as compared to how we wanted it to be?

Although our loss of Walker and our infertility has caused me to venture down some paths literally and figuratively that I would not be proud to share, but they have caused me to TALK to God more. To ask for his guidance and assistance. I understand that there are things that I want, that I will never have. What I do need to learn to do more is to lean on God's way. We need to stop thinking for what we want and instead, listen to what God is leading us to. What He wants for us. He is all we need, we need to lean on Him and give ourselves over to Him completely, not partially. Not when we are desperate for what we want from Him, but ALWAYS.

I am struggling with all of this emotionally, physically and spiritually. I am recoginizing along this very long road of turmoil that we will be okay. When or how, I have not been able to understand, but am learning the only way is to have Faith.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Lymphoma In Dogs

So it is Terrible Tuesday!!! So I took our dogs to the vet to have their annual checkup done and get bathed. Simple, right?

Nope, not in our world. Nothing is simple. Our German Shepard, Pete has been diagnosed with Lymphoma!! Shocking to say the least. What do you do with a 10 year old dog that is happy and perfectly trained and love him to death? Do you do the selfish thing and subject him to chemotherapy and bone marrow testing or do you make him comfortable and let him go????

Well, since both of my in-laws were plagued with the disease (Cancer) and lost their struggle, we have chosen to make him comfortable. We are unwilling to subject him to something that we were told was "the worst pain they have ever felt."

It feels like at every turn in the last 2 1/2 years we have been faced with the hardest, saddest, unexplainable losses. We know that we are not being punished, but it is really getting hard to stay positive and keep our (un) wavering Faith.

We WANT to be strong, faithful and walk with God knowing that it will all be ok, but....
Thank you to all of our friends and new blog friends that have left generous words and prayer. We appreciate and need all of the support we can get. I am still not a top notch blogger and not sure how or if I respond to comments. Please now that we have received them and they have touched us dearly.

Friday, September 12, 2008

(In) Fertile Friday

Fertility treatments SUCK when they don't work properly. Not only have you spent a boatload of money, your hopes get very high to be punched down by heavyweight boxer, you feel like crap with all the hormones being put into your body. BUT just because you are no longer pregnant and the injections have stopped you still have all the HORRIBLE side effects. Nausea, tired, headache, breast tenderness and bloating to mention a few.

Anybody out there recognize these side effects as a sign of something else? Yep, pregnancy.

You don't get the happiness and pleasure of knowing all these side effects are worth it because you will have a little baby in the end. You just get to be depressed and feel like death, literally and figuratively.

Now that I have lightened everybody's Friday with my sunshiney outlook, go and get ready for a great weekend. Hope everybody has something fun and positive planned.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

No Miracle

Another blood draw today and we did not receive a miracle. My HCG level was less than 1, which means there is no pregnancy left at all. Now we wait for my progesterone to drop too. Once that happens the "heavy" issue will start and we move on.

To what you ask? I have no idea. I am not prepared in any way to make that decision. I am going to give my mind and body a chance to chill for a while.

I need a couple months of no drugs and no stress/anticipation. We need some time to get back to just enjoying each other.

Monday, September 8, 2008


Let me backtrack a little and add this is a sad, feeling sorry for myself post. I am in that mood tonight.

The only time that I get the laptop when my husband is home is now that football is back. Welcome back Monday Night Football. He does try to get the TV and the laptop, but I guilt him into letting me have it for a while.

How exactly do you come to accept that you may not be parents again? How do you know when enough treatments are enough? Where do you draw the line? One more time, two more times, until we have no more money in savings and investments?

I married Jeff because I love him and want to spend my entire life with him, just him. Did I know that it might just be the two of us? Was I ok with it then? Am I ok with it now? Yes, I am. My life is about enjoying it to its maximum with my wonderful, loving, giving husband. What I want is for us to enjoy our wonderful marriage with our children. I want them to learn Jeff's crazy laugh and wonderful sense of humor. To have his beautiful eyes with those to die for long eyelashes. His forgiving never holds a grudge way of life. I want to take our children to the park, birthday parties, sledding at grandma and grandpa's in Michigan in the winter, to Church, to VBS, go on vacation with the girls and all their crews.

What do you do with the dreams when you are dealing with the unexplainable reasons of WHY you don't have children? Am I being dramatic? Maybe, I hope that I am.

Walker was truly a blessing to us. Even though this fertility journey has been HARD, it was so much harder losing my sweet baby boy. As I look at his pictures I sometime wonder if I will forget how it felt to hold him, nurse him, see him smile, hear him start to coo and talk to us? Will I forget his sweet smile the last night I put him to bed? He is our ANGEL. I miss him so much sometimes I feel like it will take my breath away. I LOVE YOU!!!

Back to now, they (the RE office) keep telling me that I will start to "bleed" very badly. Worse than I have ever had to this point. So being the paranoid overly prepared individual that I am, I continue to run to the bathroom every time I "feel" something. What would constitutes very badly to you? More than a pantyliner? Me too, but that is all I have had. Is it going to hit me in another hour, day, week? Really, if it is over why cannot it not just get over? Of course, my hopeful mind thinks MAYBE we only lost one, MAYBE I am not miscarrying, MAYBE this is just the spotting that everybody else has, MAYBE they got my blood mixed up with somebody else's? Yes, I know I torture myself. Not on purpose, its just my nature.

Hope - believing that a better or positive outcome is possible even when there is some evidence to the contrary.

Saturday, September 6, 2008


It has been a long few days, but we are doing well. I have tried to focus on all of the wonderful things God has given me instead of the things I am still wishing and hoping for. It is alot more rewarding. It would be alot easier to fall in the trap that I did before and ask "Why us again?" and pull away from God and His grace. I don't know that it is as easy for me as it seems to be for others to immediately fall back on Him, I do seem to fight my way thru on my own first.

Distractions?? I have searched the internet for blogs and stories of loss and recovery. I have cleaned out closets, dressers and my entire house. I have read several books and cleaned out my bookshelf. Gone riding on my husband's new motorcycle (Wild West Vigilante). I have really tried NOT shopping since we are a little tapped out right now with all the cost involved with this IVF process. What else can I do to keep my mind of the situation that I DON'T want to deal with?

Our pastor and his wife stopped by on Thursday night and helped me recognize again, that I am not being punished and that God only has love for us. Although he was unable to answer any of my questions that haunt me regularly he did remind me that God has a plan for us.

We WANT to be parents again. We PRAY that this will happen for us again. We appreciate all of the love and prayers that you have all given to us. The support that has come from everybody is truly incredible and extremely touching to both of us.

"this too shall pass..."

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Life Turned Upside Down

Yesterday was a tough day. Not the toughest we have had by far, but tough none the less. I went for my 3rd HCG test, happy and positive. Three - four hours go by and my impatient self has to call my nurse to see about the results. She asked "Is Jeff there yet??" I knew it was bad then.

My HCG level went from 151 last week to 12 yesterday. The call it a "chemical pregnancy", basically we have no idea why, but you are not pregnant anymore. From what I can tell the eggs tried and tried to implant hence the higher HCG numbers, but just could not get in the lining.

I can't even begin to touch on the emotions I have now. Why couldn't we have just gotten a negative test from the get go? Why have to go thru these cruel tricks? Why did they both have to be lost? We lost two perfect grade 1 AA blasts. WOW!! So my "perfect" scenario didn't pan out very well.

Yes, Yes, Yes, we still have one frozen garde 1 AA blast. So you think if two perfect eggs didn't take my odds are better with the sole solider? HMMM??? If that is what you think pray very hard for us, my mind is way to small to be that optimistic.

Maybe I have to accept that God does not want us to be parents, his plan may be very different than what we had hoped it would be. Maybe. Just maybe.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Mundane Monday

I love having free days off of work and when you work for a bank, you get lots of "extra" days off. I have done absolutely NOTHING this weekend. It is very unusual for me and difficult.

When I was pregnant with Walker, I went on about life as usual. This time, I am taking it a little easier. Letting myself be lazy and trying not to go crazy thinking about all the things I could/should be doing. I am not good at laying around and doing nothing. I have read 3 books this week and tons of blogs/internet sites.

I am praying for those in the most southern states, but praying that some of that rain hits us in South Carolina. We are beyond drought stages here.

I did change the look of my blog, I think the other was a little busy. Not to sure about this one either, but I do like it. I thought when I downloaded it that it should be 3 columns, but it doesn't look that way yet. I am so new to this blogging and not very computer savy on top of it. Bear with me, I am trying!!!

Any help would be greatly appreciated, if not I will keep searching blogger help and google.

Hope everybody else's Monday is a little more exciting. I am counting down until Wednesday for another blood level test.

Keep you posted.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

How is Starts

Having my first child with no problems and the old fashion way, IVF is incredible. What doctors have learned to do to help people who struggle with fertility is amazing. It truly is a wonder that anybody ever gets pregnant on their own. What actually has to happen within your body was way beyond anything I ever learned in high school sex education class.

It really starts with a lot of bloodwork and testing. They check your uterus, your fallopian tubes, your husband, etc. After the millioneth blood level test that comes back you may or may not know what you are dealing with. My issue (beside extreme stress of losing my son) was "low ovarian reserve" HUH??? Most people are aware that we women are only born with a set amount of eggs. That is all we are going to get, we do not continue to produce them as men do sperm.

Maybe I wasnt born with that may to begin with or I used them all already?!? So I was on the low end of normal, my AMH (Anti-Mullerian Hormone) level was 7. Not great, but workable. You start the treatment it starts with going on the pill. Doesn't make much sense does it? Yep, they want to be in control of you cycle. No more depending on Mother Nature alone.

Once your IVF cycle has been set you get this overwhelming box of drugs and needles sent to your house!! I had to sit down when I opened it, I could not believe I was going to use all of those needles. How was I going to do this? I didn't, Jeff did. Bless my husband!! The first shot he had to give me IM (intramuscular) he almost passed out. Whew!! Once he saw there was NO WAY I could do it myself he came became my shot hero.

If you are fortunate enough to go thru the 12-14 days of 4-5 shots a day at very specific times and make it to retrival you are blessed. I chose to cancel my first retrival, I only had 2 mature follicles. This time it looked great.

We retrieve and they grow in solitary confinment in a petri dish. For those of you that have no idea what your children looked like 5 days after fertilization, please see this.

This two grade 1 AA 5 day blastocysts. Crazy that this is where we all started from.

God is truly AMAZING!
So then you get to transfer stage, 5 days (or 3) after retrival. They put these beautiful embryos into your uterus. Then you get to wait. It is the most painful part.
So you have already my post of which I describe that I am not a patience person and cheated. This is what I got from the doctor though.

I wanted to believe EPT and ClearBlue Easy, but this really made me feel better. My HCG level on Day 11 (one day early) was 70.7. Anything over 25 is pregnant. Day 13 HCG level 151. They want it to at least double every day. So far so good.

We go back Wednesday, Sept 3 for another blood test. Then Sept 10th, our first ultrasound. We will be 6.5 weeks pregnant.

Stay tuned. I know this information is rivoting for most of you, but I can say I searched and searched for this information for nights as I was beginning this IVF journey. It is truly an overwhelming, emotional, heartwrenching, on your knees praying, life altering experience.
Good Luck to anybody and everybody that is going through this or is thinking about. God Bless your journey as he has ours.

Thank you LORD, you have truly Blessed us.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


I have not posted "our full story" yet, but the people reading so far know what it is. I have started it, but it is very long and emotional and have not been able to finish it.

What is a HUGE point in our story is infant vaccines. Before I get into this don't read if you think or are offended by a very personal opinion and experience that will more than likely not mesh with yours.

There has been so much increased press on the autism link over the last year with Jenny McCarthy going public with her story. There are lots of families that have always considered to be "earthy" or "granola" that did not immunize their children. This week alone there have been two articles on the web, and . I was so angry and flabbergasted at the comments made by some of the vaccinating parents. I don't pass judgement onto them, just prayer.

So, this is MY blog and MY opinion is the only one that matters here. I will not vaccinate my children according to any government posted schedule. I will not be forced by a doctor, school, media, daycare or play group to vaccinate my children.

MY child died 12 hours after his 4 month immunizations. 12 hours!!!! He was born at 41 weeks (not a premie), he was 8lbs. 4 oz., he was still breastfeeding, he slept on his back with no blankets or toys in his crib and he had an Angel Care Monitor (please check out if you know a pregnant mom). He WAS NOT a SIDS baby. I don't care what they tell me.

So the parents, doctors and government officials that pass judgement and call "non-immunizing" parents selfish, look down at your child and be glad she/he was not one of "the good outweighs the bad" scenarios. That is what the CDC shared with a police officer involved in a case when an infant died after their shots. "What do we tell the family?" "We are aware of the risks involved with vaccines, but the good outweighs the bad"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess that person got to go and kiss their kids good night and wake up the next morning and was very glad that it wasn't their child that fell into that risk group.

Bitter, is that what you are thinking. You are right, I am bitter. I have an opinion about vaccines, I don't push it on other people and barely share when asked. It is a PERSONAL decision for parents to make for their families.

Do your research. Start by checking out VAERS, Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System or the National Vaccine Injury Compenstion Program. Or just google vaccine related infant deaths. You will be (or should be) SHOCKED at what you will find. The government is well aware that vaccines are not safe for every child, but "the good outweighs the bad."

I am going to leave this there tonight, am all worked up and angry and need to calm down to get ready for bed. Thank you for reading and hopefully, not judging.

Monday, August 25, 2008

My Other Angel

I am an animal lover. Most all animals, some I like better at a distance, but I still love them. If you are not one of those people you will not relate to being "in love" with one. It is amazing how they become so many things to you. They love you NO MATTER WHAT!!

We had dogs growing up and in college. They were all great and special to me, until I got Riggs. He was a real person living in a dog's body. He knew every emotion I had and reacted to it accordingly. A dog is not only a man's best friend, but a woman's too.
The hard thing about all living things is that they die. Most times for me long before I am ready to let them go. Although it is part of life, it is still a diffucult one to grasp being the one left behind.

It is hard to think back to a time that he wasn't around. August 1995, one good thing that happened in August. My piggly wiggly came into this world. August 23, 1995 - December 22, 2007. I miss him everyday, Happy Belated Birthday, Riggs.

God is Glorious

There is no way I can count the ways, there are so many. I sat in church on Sunday and prayed and promised God that I was going to make the committment to walk closer to Him. To live as a better example to His Word, to Him. I know I am going to stumble and have to continue to ask for His forgiveness, but it is my goal to have God as my leading light. The reason I make every decision.

I forwarned you that I am not a patient person. It was a question that was asked in Sunday school. Take a piece of paper, on one side write an attribute you posess and on the other, one you don't. We had to volunteer a word in class and everybody had to decide which was which. Mine were detailed and patience. hmmm, let's figure out which one is which?

So, back to patience (or lack of it) I felt awful on Friday. I was crampy and my back was killing me. I panicked. I ran to the pharmacy and bought a PG test. I know, I was only 8 days past transfer. WAY to early. I took it anyway.

A faint positive line, but it was there. I was estastic, but way nervous. Jeff was going to kill me. So I toddled home with a secret in my heart and got thru the night. I decided you were supposed to test with first morning urine so I did another one Saturday morning. Again, a faint line. I broke down and told Jeff. He was sooo mad:-) (not really)

Since I struggle with getting things through this THICK skull of mine. I took another one Sunday after church. YEA, a much stronger line. Ok, I must be pregnant. I called my favorite nurse, at home, and she was as excited as we were. I get to go in early!!!!

We get to the doctor early bird this morning, unannounced and to a shocked staff. Once they found out I cheated, well I got to get my blood drawn. They confirmed my neurotic taking of tests with their own POSITIVE test. My HCG levels are good for being to early to test and have to go back on Wednesday for a redraw!!!!!

Please continue to pray for us, we are not through this yet.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Now it is a Waiting Game

Waiting is something I have never been good at. Holidays, birthdays anything that involves a gift I can barely contain myself before I give it to the person. Cooking, I am always checking on whatever it is to see if it is done.

These twelve days (7 have passed) seem to be the LONGEST days. Is there really only 24 hours in a day?

I am scared though. I feel like we have so much riding on the results of the blood test on Tuesday. It has to be positive, right? Probably anybody and everybody that has gone thru fertitlity treatments has been here at one point or another. I actually think I am imagining things. Am I really having to go to the bathroom this much? Am I hungry again? How many hours did I sleep last night (between potty breaks), I am exhausted? I am kinda nauseous. Are those period cramps or implantation cramps?

I have driven myself CRAZY, hoping and praying for a positive healthy pregnancy with twins.

And the only thing I can do is.....WAIT!!!!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

It's a Numbers Game

If you really think about it everything comes down to numbers. Your phone number, your address, your income, your birthday, how many children do you have, etc. Before I had my son that last question never bothered me. We hadn't started our family yet. Since I have lost my son, I DREAD the question. I was never sure how I was going to answer it because I knew that he was real, he was 17 weeks old when we lost him, he was my son, I was his mommy. Now I dread the numbers, the dates - his birthday, his angel day.

Now going through the IVF process we are back to numbers. How many shots, how many days, how many blood draws, how many ultrasounds? It didn't work?!?!? Start over....

So we started over. More shots, more blood draws, more ultrasounds. This time 8 follicles were retrieved. All 8 were mature and fertilized, we had 8 eggs. The doctor warned us that it is common to lose 30-50% of those before transfer. We lost 5, but had 3 perfect blastocyst to use. After much discussion we decided to transfer two and freeze one.

At 10am, August 14th we transferred two beautiful perfect blastocyst embryos. Now we wait for 12 days. We get a blood test, when we get a positive, because it will be positive. We have prayed and prayed and prayed as has everybody we know. We have to get the numbers back to make sure it is (and it will be) a valid healthy pregnancy.

All about the numbers, I am a numbers person normally. I am a banker, you would think I would be used to it. This numbers game has been overwhelming., exhausting and emotionally draining.

I look forward to the 6week ultrasound for the doctor to give me the blessed number of TWO babies on the ultrasound. Those numbers will be so sweet to my ears.

I know that our faith in God has waivered with the loss of our son, Walker, but I find myself being more drawn to him daily. I have always thought I was in control of my life and my decisions. I now realize that I have never been in control and as hard as that has been for me to accept it, I have. Some days I forget, but am quickly reminded that He is always in control. So the control freak I have always been has surrendered myself to the Lord. He works wonders and miracles and I look forward to see what he has in store for us next.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Waiting Game

Patience is not a strong point for me. I need immediate knowledge, reaction, answers, etc. God is definately at work in my life, teaching me that good things come to those who wait. So we wait.

Saturday, August 10th we had our egg retrival, they retrieved 8 (EIGHT) eggs. With reserved excitment and still swaying like a crazy drunk from my anesthesia we went home. I did what I was told and went to bed, even with a house full of Jeff's family here. My favorite nurse called to check on me later and gave the news (act surprised when the dr calls tomorrow:-)) that all eight looked like they fertilized!!! More contained excitement and LOTS of prayer.

Now we wait until they are ready to transfer which could be from tomorrow to Thursday. Hopefully, Thursday since that makes them the most viable, blastocyst stage. Since I was already off for vacation, we were supposed to be in Michigan visting home, I sit at home on restrictions, waiting and praying.

Hopefully, my favorite nurse will sneak me some information later today.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

IVF Update

We have potentially 10 viable follicles (that is what they are called at this point, not eggs or embryos). That is good news for us. Last time we only had 2 mature follicles and canceled the procedure. My blood work is good and everything is scheduled for 9:30am Saturday, August 9th. We are excited, but guarded. We know anything can and does happen. So send us all your positive energy and prayers. We will be blessed with lots more healthy children to the "S" family. (Our last name starts with an S:-))

Wednesday, August 6, 2008


I have no idea on how to blog or if any of this will make sense to anybody. Life has been tough the last two years and I can finally think straight some days and need an outlet to vent. Sometimes it is happiness that I feel guilty having, sadness that is a normal part of my existence, anger life is so unfair, grief that is the pit of which you seem like you can never get out of or just my crazy life on a daily basis with my husband and two crazy dogs!!!

Thank you for coming and checking it out. It may not be like other blogs that you read or that I read, those people are amazing with their feelings. This is for me, I need to verbalize my loss, my struggles and know that I will be ok when it is over.

I will post later my story, the quickest version I can later. Two years of history to bring you to today may take longer than I think, but what the heck we have the time and space.

Please pray for us as our IVF is scheduled to be retrieved on Saturday!!!! We are excited thru the ups and downs to becoming parents to a child on Earth, to be a brother or sister to our heavenly angel, Walker.