Monday, September 8, 2008

MNF

Let me backtrack a little and add this is a sad, feeling sorry for myself post. I am in that mood tonight.

The only time that I get the laptop when my husband is home is now that football is back. Welcome back Monday Night Football. He does try to get the TV and the laptop, but I guilt him into letting me have it for a while.

How exactly do you come to accept that you may not be parents again? How do you know when enough treatments are enough? Where do you draw the line? One more time, two more times, until we have no more money in savings and investments?

I married Jeff because I love him and want to spend my entire life with him, just him. Did I know that it might just be the two of us? Was I ok with it then? Am I ok with it now? Yes, I am. My life is about enjoying it to its maximum with my wonderful, loving, giving husband. What I want is for us to enjoy our wonderful marriage with our children. I want them to learn Jeff's crazy laugh and wonderful sense of humor. To have his beautiful eyes with those to die for long eyelashes. His forgiving never holds a grudge way of life. I want to take our children to the park, birthday parties, sledding at grandma and grandpa's in Michigan in the winter, to Church, to VBS, go on vacation with the girls and all their crews.

What do you do with the dreams when you are dealing with the unexplainable reasons of WHY you don't have children? Am I being dramatic? Maybe, I hope that I am.

Walker was truly a blessing to us. Even though this fertility journey has been HARD, it was so much harder losing my sweet baby boy. As I look at his pictures I sometime wonder if I will forget how it felt to hold him, nurse him, see him smile, hear him start to coo and talk to us? Will I forget his sweet smile the last night I put him to bed? He is our ANGEL. I miss him so much sometimes I feel like it will take my breath away. I LOVE YOU!!!

Back to now, they (the RE office) keep telling me that I will start to "bleed" very badly. Worse than I have ever had to this point. So being the paranoid overly prepared individual that I am, I continue to run to the bathroom every time I "feel" something. What would constitutes very badly to you? More than a pantyliner? Me too, but that is all I have had. Is it going to hit me in another hour, day, week? Really, if it is over why cannot it not just get over? Of course, my hopeful mind thinks MAYBE we only lost one, MAYBE I am not miscarrying, MAYBE this is just the spotting that everybody else has, MAYBE they got my blood mixed up with somebody else's? Yes, I know I torture myself. Not on purpose, its just my nature.

Hope - believing that a better or positive outcome is possible even when there is some evidence to the contrary.

2 comments:

beast's bits said...

don't forget about jeff's GREAT hugs, too! he's an awesome hugger.
love ya'll!

daniella summers said...

Dani, you pull at my heart strings. I feel like I almost could have written this same post. Your lack of patience so like mine.

I want to tell you something. First, I admit that what I experienced does not even come close to compare to yours, but...

After I had a misscarriage, we tried for a year (I was 24 for crying out loud!) with no baby. There were times when I just thought "God is punishing me for all the mistakes and wildness from my past." And then I was reminded that God doesn't do that. He doesn't punish for sins that were long ago forgiven. He doesn't even remember them.

In November of 2006 as I was driving home form work I just broke down and wept and wept and wept. I had many talks and cry's and arguments and even bribes with God before about my desire to be a mom, but not like this time. I finally told Him "Father God, Dad, You know how much I want to be a mom. My heart earns for a baby in my arms more than anything else. But today I want You to know that if it's not Your will for me and Josh to be parents than I will still Love You. I will still Worship You and adore You. I will still serve You with all my heart and sing endlessly of Your great Name. I will be content if this is Your decision for me, knowing that Your love and presence is all I need. And if You do give me a baby, I promise to give him/her to you like Samuel's mother gave him to You."

After telling Him that, I felt like a ton of bricks lifted off my chest. His peace came over me and I didn't dramatize or tell of my talk with Him to anyone. I didn't even tell Josh. It was a decision, a promise and pact I made to myself and God. I just went by my daily life, as best as I could, not thinking about it...you know, waiting to see if He'll respond or anything. That patience thing...I tell ya!

What I'm about to say is not meant to sound cliche or of self-praise in any way, but two months later I found out I was pregnant.

Dani, if it's truly His will for you to have a biological child, He will open your womb. HE is the one that does that EVERY TIME. I almost feel like it's not my place to say that, but I know it true because of His Word.

What a great woman you are, I admire you. I'll be praying for you continuously.