Thursday, October 9, 2008

Devastation of Loss and Infertility

I read this poem weeks ago not really sure if I would post it or not. I am not worried about the backlash, my friends know that I think that they are wonderful mothers and adore/love their children. Those of you I don't know, I hope and pray that you are wonderful mothers and love your children immensely. I am tired, frustrated and sad today. I am lonley for Walker.

I am disheartened that this might be it for us, a life without anymore children. I have prayed (begged) God to bless us with more children, to allow us to be parents again. I have also prayed that if that is not HIS plan for us to please take away this need and desire from my heart (and head.) I still have this tremedous longing so I am hoping that means HE just isn't ready to give us more children. I am HOPEFUL that HIS plan is the same as mine. I would like to remind HIM that I am not a very patient person, but I have been trying to be for the last two years of this rollercoaster called infertitility.

I look at this beautiful face, his beautiful blue eyes with extremely long eyelashes (thanks to his daddy) and I ACHE. It is painful, so very painful that it is really hard to breathe. My happy baby, who I can only dream about now.

There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics or money
or because I have read more books,
but because I have lost,
I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life,
the people who truly have appreciation
are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore, and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake
in the middle of the night to the sound of my child,
knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him
and that I am not waking to take another temperature,
pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense;
that God has given me this insight,
this special vision with which I will look upon my child.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to
or a child that God leads me to,
I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment,
as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face,
yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me,
I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better,
I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn
to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.


beast's bits said...

wow. beautiful words. beautiful picture of walker. i think of you often when i go in to sneak into bed with canon for a few minutes every night. it makes me so sad that you are not getting to experience that. i also think of you when i feel myself getting impatient with him. it makes me appreciate what i have more. thank you for teaching me that. i just hate that my learning through you has come at such a great expense to you.
i love you!

kjames106 said...

Beautiful. Bless you, sweetheart. I want you to know that I cherish every single second with my son. It took hard work for us to conceive him and we will always be thankful and cherish him.
I am so sorry you are aching. I pray a release from this pain.
I pray an open womb for you. God, hear our prayers!!! Wrap your arms around her today Lord and keep her pain at the foot of Your cross. Lord, take it away. Amen.

Adrienne said...

Dear Dani,
First, I am so sorry about your sweet Walker. Man, he is so handsome! I say 'is' because since Noah died, I really think of his life, day to day in Heaven, and he is living! I wish he were living here, of course, like you do Walker, but the poem describes it so well, as far as perspective goes. I am so sorry about Walker. I read your story and would love to email one another because of some of the research I did with Noah and vaccinations. my email is if you want a mom to listen who understands, medically, your frustrations. I am so excited that you cherished those months with him at home, getting professional pictures! I didn't do that with Em or Noah, so I have very few pics of Noah with his eyes open. I love your bracelet and am so glad you have such a treasure around your wrist each day! It sure beats a wallet:) Thanks for your encouragement. I will be praying for you and your husbands. August 2nd is the day Noah entered the, huh?

Super B's Mom said...

That was a painfully beautiful poem. Although I've never lost a child - I do understand your emotions with infertility. It is a very painful burden to carry.

May God bless you in your journey. I found you by way of Angie at Bring the Rain.

~* Aria *~ said...

Honey, what I used to believe, and I know this isn't much help, was that god sometimes put obstacles in our way to see if we wanted something bad enough to find a way to defeat that obstacle. Why else would such deep desire be there? To torture us to test the strength of the desire? It doesn't seem fair that so many people who don't care two licks about their children have them so easily while those who would be among the best parents are left asking why they can't be parents.

I just read a post about what happened to your son, and will reply there in a moment.

I just want to encourage you not to give up. It's an incredibly hard journey and we don't deserve this suffering. I lost a daughter ten years ago as of yesterday, though, unlike your son, she didn't make it to term. We are saddled with the extra pain of not having our children to hold. But you know what? We will get to tell their siblings about their older siblings before them and how their siblings were as loved as they are and how much we hoped in our hearts every day to get to hold them too, that they were loved even before birth, just as much as their angels before them.

I'm not sure how you stumbled upon my blog ( ), but I'm glad you did because that brought me to yours. I will be reading your journal every day now hoping so hard for your test to be positive. My date to test is the 25th. I don't know your date, but I'll be watching and reading anyway.

Many hugs and much love to you. WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!