Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Wordless Walker Wednesday

April 27th, 2006

3 weeks old

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Wordless Walker Wednesday

April 8, 2006
3 days old getting ready to leave the hospital or taking a nap with daddy

Monday, February 16, 2009

A Long Weekend

I have today off, so it is really a long weekend. I could get used to working 4 days a week or not at all:-) Things have been really low key here. We have just been laying low and trying to become introspective. It seems like who I am and where I am going seems to change daily.

We had a meeting at church yesterday about officially joining. We have been attending our church for about 3 years, but have never become members. We were both baptised at infants (Methodist and Lutheran), but we will have to be baptised by immersion in the Baptist church. We both feel very at home at this church, they have welcomed us with open arms. We attended the church with some friends of ours while I was pregnant. When we lost Walker, they rallied behind us. It was amazing what they did for us in our time of need. They didn't even know us, we were new and had only been going there for a few months. That is the kind of church family we were searching for when we tried to find a church family.

I am struggling with a couple things emotionally. They are things that I am not ready to discuss yet. Please help me by praying for God to show me the way, the way he wants me to take. One of my New Years Resolution was to become closer to God, for me that it to learn to step back and let God. To realize (finally) that I am not in control. Difficult? Extremely. for those of you that don't know me, I have always been a control FREAK. It is a new year and a new me!!

Happy Belated Valentines Day to all of you. I hope your valentine was extra special and loving to you. Mine was

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Wordless Walker Wednesday

April 5, 2006
Hours old with Grandma Walker (my maiden name)

Monday, February 9, 2009

What do you Believe?

I am embarrassed to say, but we haven't been to church in a few weeks. It makes me so mad when I don't go. Because once I am there, there is no place I would rather be. We actually missed part One of this series of sermons, but found this one amazing.

Where to Get Help When You Hurt - The Road To Recovery - Part Two.

Quite honestly I wasnt sure if I would make it through the whole service without having a complete breakdown, but I did. Well I did both, break down and make it through.

As Pastor Ralph started in the service I wasn't sure where I could fit this in to my road to recovery. Was it going to make me rethink how I have gotten here or cause me to relive it all and have to start over again?

Hebrews 11:6
6And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God(A) must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

What he told us is that we MUST believe in God. He asked a crazy question of the congregation, "Do you REALLY believe in God?" Wow, what a question to be asked in church on Sunday morning service. Interesting to me, because I cannot relay to you how many times since we have lost Walker that I have had that question. Maybe not exactly that question, but close. When you are in so much pain you cannot believe that a loving God would want this for us. That He would allow such horrible things to happen to us that love and worship Him.

Step 2 - We have to earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him and that He has the power to help us recover from pain.

What Ralph said was that we can't pray to God if we don't truly believe He exists. That we will not receive the rewards of our prayers if we are praying to someone we don't even believe in.

I had to overcome my extreme anger with God, before I could truly pray to Him. I acknowledge that He exists and that He knows and cares about me and my situation.

I need to realize that I am not in control of my life, He is. I need to accept God's offer to help me.
Believe you me, I need His help. My life has never felt so out of my control. That must be my sign, my sign to hand over my life and my problems along with my praise and worship to God.

Lord, today I lay my heartache and pain into your hands. Please help me find a peaceful path.

Recently, I have read some sad stories of families losing their children to an array of reasons. It is horribly sad. We should never had to live without our children. It doesn't seem like the right path, but God has chosen this path for us. We are living the life he designed for us. God bless us all! We will see our loved ones in eternity.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Wordless Walker Wednesday

July 4th, 2006
Our backyard

Monday, February 2, 2009

Just some Miscellaneous

Things have been crazy around here lately. Work has been nonstop this past week, seems like I have been working 24/7. I got sucked in to Facebook and spend alot of time surfing there. I knew better than to sign up for something else that requires my time, something would suffer. Sorry it has been by blog.

We had our annual Superbowl party, it is our 4th year. We had a smaller turnout this year, which was nice since I was able to socialize a little more. One of the conversations I had throughout the night was about losing Walker. She lost a child at 20 weeks gestation. Her water broke and it was determined to be a bacteria infection, strep B. They also lost a little boy. It has been 10 years and she struggles with her loss daily. She is terrified of getting pregnant again and losing another child.

It makes me sad to listen to other peoples stories of loss. It is amazing to me that it is almost always some of the same feelings that I have. I am not terrified of being pregnant again, but terrified of putting a baby to sleep in a crib and walking away. How do you over come that paralyzing fear, how do you trust 100% that it will turn out differently, how will I ever get another wink of sleep for standing over a child with my hand on their chest to feel for their every breath?

Loss, no matter how it happens affects you to your core. You will never be the same person again.