Thursday, September 4, 2008

Life Turned Upside Down

Yesterday was a tough day. Not the toughest we have had by far, but tough none the less. I went for my 3rd HCG test, happy and positive. Three - four hours go by and my impatient self has to call my nurse to see about the results. She asked "Is Jeff there yet??" I knew it was bad then.

My HCG level went from 151 last week to 12 yesterday. The call it a "chemical pregnancy", basically we have no idea why, but you are not pregnant anymore. From what I can tell the eggs tried and tried to implant hence the higher HCG numbers, but just could not get in the lining.

I can't even begin to touch on the emotions I have now. Why couldn't we have just gotten a negative test from the get go? Why have to go thru these cruel tricks? Why did they both have to be lost? We lost two perfect grade 1 AA blasts. WOW!! So my "perfect" scenario didn't pan out very well.

Yes, Yes, Yes, we still have one frozen garde 1 AA blast. So you think if two perfect eggs didn't take my odds are better with the sole solider? HMMM??? If that is what you think pray very hard for us, my mind is way to small to be that optimistic.

Maybe I have to accept that God does not want us to be parents, his plan may be very different than what we had hoped it would be. Maybe. Just maybe.

2 comments:

Amanda said...

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry to hear that. I will pray for you that the sole blast works.
My heart just aches for you and your husband. I am out here for you.
Amanda

beast's bits said...

a friend told me "you cannot trust your feelings--you must trust HIS truth--your feelings will lie to you". simple but true. love you and continuing to pray for you. it sucks when OUR will may not be HIS will--tough thing to accept.