Monday, November 17, 2008

All out of Gas!

That is me, I am exhausted. Emotionally and physically. I need to start by saying I LOVE Jason, Wendy and Sam. I am THRILLED and EXCITED for their parenthood journey. On the other ugly hand, I miss my little man tremendously. He is supposed to be here to teach little Sam all the things he would have already learned at his big age of 2 1/2. They would have been best friends just like their parents are, now he will find a new best friend to grow up with and to make all his memories with.

I am sad and feeling very sorry for myself. I am ashamed that I have this in my head and my heart, when I have so much joy for them. How is the possible to have your body, heart and mind split in two?

I never thought twice about being there with them thru all of this, it came naturally. I have tried not to think about us and Walker while we have been with them. This time has been about their miracle and the AWESOME journey they are getting ready to embark on. They will be incredible parents.

None of these feelings are about them, they are about my crazy rollercoaster of grief. The horrible grief of not having Walker anymore and remembering the day he was born and the pity party I have for myself knowing that I am still NOT pregnant. I know God has a plan for us, I am just really struggling to stay hopeful and positive. I want to feel the joy of having another child. To know that we will be blessed again just like we were with Walker.

It is so hard to not fall into the pit, that big scary hole that I was in and maybe never really made it all the way out of. It is so dark and lonely there, really just so much effort goes into making it thru each day. Praying for the day to be over to just get to another week, another month. To get all the sadness behind me.

Over two years has passed me by since we lost him, they just passed me by. Telling myself that I have to live for today, but I am having a hard time enjoying what today is. I still want to rewind the clock of life and go back.

To say that I am angry with myself would be an understatement. I dont want these feelings, I want to be a better person. To have all this happiness and joy without one spot of envy. To know that everybody's else gifts dont have to be tainted by my sadness and loss.


daniella said...

I want to say all sorts of cliches (that are trully comforting) but I won't, because I know better. I love your honest heart. I'm praying for you still. Know that it's absolutely ok to still grieve and feel like this. You still love your friends and are happy for them. You're simply aching to be a mom again and hold a baby. It's ok to feel like that, God knows it and there's no reason to supress these feeling and be "a better person", whatever that means. God doesn't expect that from us, He only expects us to be honest with Him and completely dependent on Him.

Dani said...

I don't know what exactly to say except I am praying! I know that there are times that that is the only thing that can be done. I am "here" praying!

Lots of Love,