Tuesday, August 19, 2008

It's a Numbers Game

If you really think about it everything comes down to numbers. Your phone number, your address, your income, your birthday, how many children do you have, etc. Before I had my son that last question never bothered me. We hadn't started our family yet. Since I have lost my son, I DREAD the question. I was never sure how I was going to answer it because I knew that he was real, he was 17 weeks old when we lost him, he was my son, I was his mommy. Now I dread the numbers, the dates - his birthday, his angel day.

Now going through the IVF process we are back to numbers. How many shots, how many days, how many blood draws, how many ultrasounds? It didn't work?!?!? Start over....

So we started over. More shots, more blood draws, more ultrasounds. This time 8 follicles were retrieved. All 8 were mature and fertilized, we had 8 eggs. The doctor warned us that it is common to lose 30-50% of those before transfer. We lost 5, but had 3 perfect blastocyst to use. After much discussion we decided to transfer two and freeze one.

At 10am, August 14th we transferred two beautiful perfect blastocyst embryos. Now we wait for 12 days. We get a blood test, when we get a positive, because it will be positive. We have prayed and prayed and prayed as has everybody we know. We have to get the numbers back to make sure it is (and it will be) a valid healthy pregnancy.

All about the numbers, I am a numbers person normally. I am a banker, you would think I would be used to it. This numbers game has been overwhelming., exhausting and emotionally draining.

I look forward to the 6week ultrasound for the doctor to give me the blessed number of TWO babies on the ultrasound. Those numbers will be so sweet to my ears.

I know that our faith in God has waivered with the loss of our son, Walker, but I find myself being more drawn to him daily. I have always thought I was in control of my life and my decisions. I now realize that I have never been in control and as hard as that has been for me to accept it, I have. Some days I forget, but am quickly reminded that He is always in control. So the control freak I have always been has surrendered myself to the Lord. He works wonders and miracles and I look forward to see what he has in store for us next.

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