Saturday, December 13, 2008

Hopeful when Hopeless

It doesn't really make sense does it? Being hopeful and hopeless at the same time? It should if you deal with infertility. I have tried to stay positive in this 2 year hike of trying to get pregnant again, but every month I am reminded that it may just be hopeless. Am I PMS'ing? Yes, I am emotional and sad.
HOPE, what happened to it?

Everyday I look around at the people who "think" about starting a family and bam! they have as many kids as they could possibly dream of. I HATE being mad at the majority of the world for their happiness. I was them once. We had a beautiful baby boy who was perfect in every way. Then one horrible night it was over. Never to be had again.
HOPE, where are you?

Some days I feel like it will be okay if I am never a parent again, others I wonder if I can truly make it through another minute of this life without a baby again. The world is so ignorant to all of the people suffering from infertitility. I am so sick of people asking me if we are going to try again? Don't we want another child? They mean well and it is my fault for not sharing what we have gone through, but the pressure is to much for me. The cliche responses are not what I need to hear.
HOPE, are you just a dream?

I prayed for a Christmas miracle this year. Even if I could have just wrapped up an EPT test with two lines for my husband for Christmas this year. Yes, I know next year is a new year it will be better!! Will it? I have been telling myself that since that dreadful night in 2006 that it will.

HOPE, will you please come back to me?


kjames106 said...

I am so sorry. I will keep you in my prayers over this holiday season. I know that it has to be hard. I pray that the Lord holds you as you lay in the valley of tears. Please remember that the Lord gives us the desires of our hearts. This reminds me of a scripture in Proverbs.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12

I pray the Lord starts growing that tree of life inside of you. The seed is already there. He has promised this to you. It is there! He has placed the desire in your heart and I believe with all my being that the seed is there ready to grow! Praise Him! Press into Him.

Blessing to you!

Kelley said...

this song is by bebo norman--a dear friend of mine. he's a christian artist.

Hope came home
Home to me today
And fear has run the other way
And words are weak
You don't know how to say
You know I still believe in you

And should my dreams fall though
I will be safe with you
And with every breath I can breathe
I'll sing about how you love me
I'll sing about how you love me


kjames106 said...

I just read a scripture that is very fitting:

I pray that the God who gives hope will fill you with much joy and peace while you trust in him. Then your hope will overflow by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13

Gotta love the book of Romans.

Lee-Ellen said...

I just wanted you to know that I am still thinking about you and praying!