Saturday, November 29, 2008

Holiday Hooplah

I am a Ba-Humbug!! Not because I want to be, but it is truly how I feel. For the first time since 2005 I put up our Christmas tree. It has always been one of my favorite holidays and even though it is about Christ birth, it is about children. And it reminds me of what I have lost.

That I never took Walker to sit on Santas lap, to take pictures of him in front of the Christmas tree, have him participate in the church Christmas Eve service. To see the joy and surpise on his face as he was surrounded with the gifts and paper that he was spoiled with. Turning on the radio or walking thru a store you are constantly reminded of the time of year that is upon us. I want to wake up and it be January 1st. A new year has to be better, doesn't it?

Every year that is what goes thru my mind, but midway thru January the disappointment sets in that it is all the same, just a new year that it is occurring in. When does it get better? When can I just say " I WILL be happy this year" and mean it?

Although my family and friends surround us with love, I dont really feel it deep in my heart. It is like I have built this wall around me the last couple of years to protect myself it seems that nothing can penetrate it and maybe that is how I truly want it? What brings joy also brings sadness??

Wake up tomorrow and LOVE what is around you. Appreciate the joys in life for they can be few and taken from you quickly. Pray for those of us that just don't seem to get it lately.

We watched "Fireproof" yesterday and it was AWESOME!! I want to be in, please pray for me to get there!!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!

We are in Florida now to celebrate the holiday with Jeff's brother and his family. We drove down last night between the traffic and the police EVERYWHERE we finally made it.
I missed Wordless Walker Wednesday so here is a photo a day late. Can you guess the secret I was sharing with him??
I am so thankful for God in my life, the time I had with my beautiful son, my husband, my family and all my wonderful friends. To list a few.
Have a wonderful day!!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Kitchen Help

So we remodeled our kitchen last December. These are the pictures we took the day it was finished. Before we moved everything back in and replaced that horrible window. My need is tile backsplash. The granite is called Labrodrite Green Light. It appears more grey in these pictures than it is. Below is a picture of our island and the closest picture of the granite.

This is our wet bar, we removed the breakfast area and made the island 5X9 for eating and entertaining. Our dining room is about 10 steps to the right, no sense in having two tables that close together. Yes, it is huge. We LOVE it though. We never thought to reinforce the floor in the basement for this 1,000 lb slab. Yes, 1000 pounds of granite right there in the center of the kitchen.
This is the view coming in from the garage door. I want tile on the wet bar too.

I would love a design of some sort right above the stove. My favorite thing about my new kitchen. It is a large area, the stove is 48 inches. Do I pick a small design and center it in the area or a larger more rectangle one?

Standing in the dining room looking into the kitchen.

It took me forever to design this kitchen. I have no decorating sense at all. If it does obviously go together, I don't think about it. PLEASE help.
Ideas, pictures, insert of ideas from other kitches. I really, really need the help. Not only do I need help with design ideas, but the color to use. The green is a really unique color and I am afraid the typical tan/brown will look awful.
Honestly, you would be shocked at the kitchen before, it really need the makeover. At least, that is what I kept telling my husband when we started the project.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Wordless Walker Wednesday

April 5, 2006
Walker hours old

This is actually one of my favorite pictures of him.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

This is what scares me...

I think everybody who goes through some type of fertility issues thinks about adoption. Domestic or international. There a million options available if you choose that route. BUT, what if you get all the way down to the wire and the mother backs out?

I know the payoffs are and can be incredible, but the devastation of losing a child is unbearable. I couldn't go through it again.

Please pray for this courageous family. They have been put in a horrible situation and could use all the prayers we can send their way. Also, pray for the birth mother. Surely she did not get this far to just yank this baby away from these wonderful parents she picked to raise her daughter. She is obviously experiencing a great deal of emotions and pain too.

Pray that God helps lead them all to where he wants them to be. To help heal the broken hearts of who does not have a baby girl with them at home.

Monday, November 17, 2008

WOW! I needed this...

My life is but a weaving, between my God and me,
I do not choose the colors, He worketh steadily,
Oftimes He weaveth sorrow, and I in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper, and I the underside.
Not till the loom is silent, and shuttles cease to fly,
Will God unroll the canvas and explain the reasons why.
The dark threads are as needful in the skillful Weaver's hand,
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.

All out of Gas!

That is me, I am exhausted. Emotionally and physically. I need to start by saying I LOVE Jason, Wendy and Sam. I am THRILLED and EXCITED for their parenthood journey. On the other ugly hand, I miss my little man tremendously. He is supposed to be here to teach little Sam all the things he would have already learned at his big age of 2 1/2. They would have been best friends just like their parents are, now he will find a new best friend to grow up with and to make all his memories with.

I am sad and feeling very sorry for myself. I am ashamed that I have this in my head and my heart, when I have so much joy for them. How is the possible to have your body, heart and mind split in two?

I never thought twice about being there with them thru all of this, it came naturally. I have tried not to think about us and Walker while we have been with them. This time has been about their miracle and the AWESOME journey they are getting ready to embark on. They will be incredible parents.

None of these feelings are about them, they are about my crazy rollercoaster of grief. The horrible grief of not having Walker anymore and remembering the day he was born and the pity party I have for myself knowing that I am still NOT pregnant. I know God has a plan for us, I am just really struggling to stay hopeful and positive. I want to feel the joy of having another child. To know that we will be blessed again just like we were with Walker.

It is so hard to not fall into the pit, that big scary hole that I was in and maybe never really made it all the way out of. It is so dark and lonely there, really just so much effort goes into making it thru each day. Praying for the day to be over to just get to another week, another month. To get all the sadness behind me.

Over two years has passed me by since we lost him, they just passed me by. Telling myself that I have to live for today, but I am having a hard time enjoying what today is. I still want to rewind the clock of life and go back.

To say that I am angry with myself would be an understatement. I dont want these feelings, I want to be a better person. To have all this happiness and joy without one spot of envy. To know that everybody's else gifts dont have to be tainted by my sadness and loss.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

A New Addition

Samuel Thomas has arrived via c-section, Saturday November 15, 2008. He was 4lbs. 15 oz. 18 1/2 inches long. Both he and mommy are doing well.

He is a little munchkin, but is doing well. Please continue to pray for both of them to be ready to leave the hospital together. Thank for all of the prayers you sent to both of them, they were felt by all of us.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Please Pray!!

Our friend, Wendy (yes, who I had the shower for) has been put into the hospital tonight. She is 36 1/2 weeks and has high protein in her urine and high blood pressure. She has preeclampsia, do you have or are you in? Either way, both appear to be healthy and the doctors state they have her in for 24 hour observation.

From what I have read and talked to other people who have had these issues, she will probably be induced this weekend. Sunday she will be 37 weeks, so it is in the safe delivery zone.

Please pray that everything stays calm and there are no problems with baby Sam or mama Wendy.

Thank you.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Wordless Walker Wednesday

Sunday, April 16th, 2006
Walker on Easter - 11 days old

I know that most people do wordless Wednesday, but I am going to make Wordless Walker Wednesday. I will post one (or more) of his pictures. Some people have never been able to see the entire album.

I am now using this as that venue!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Five Years Ago Today

November 8, 2005 - DMW married her hero, superstar, dream man - JJS. This day five years ago I married my best friend. He is the man I only thought was in my dreams as a little girl. The first night I met him I said " I will marry that man!" There has been ups and downs in our 8 1/2 years together, but our bond couldn't be stronger now. I love him more than I ever though possible, thank God for him.

I love you JJS!!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Wordless Walker Wednesday

May 24, 2006 7 weeks old
(just for judy and shelley!)

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I Voted!

If you have read my previous posts you won't be surprised who I voted for, but I did vote straight ticket Republican!!

My prayer last night (along with asking for a baby) was that God put the man in office he feels will truly will serve our country to the best of their ability with no hidden agendas. It is truly a wonderful country we live in and with a little help from a friend or two it can get back on track. Proud to be an American still lives in me.

If you haven't yet, go VOTE!! If you are not sure who to vote for, call me I will give you some advice:-)

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Fall Colors and Beautiful Dogs

It was beautiful weather this weekend here in the South. It is hard to believe that it is already November. Another year almost past us, where does time go. The dogs and I spent a good portion of the afternoon playing outside enjoying the end of summer in November.

Pete is our German Shepard that is sick, but he loves playing and chewing on that silly ball. He could play for hours with that thing. Then there is my knuckle head, Doc. How this crazy, but perfect looking dog came from the same genes as my sweet, mild mannered Riggs I will never know.
Just a few picture of some of the trees in our yard and the gorgeous blue sky that we had all weekend.

Hope your weekend was beautiful too! Have a wonderful week.