Thursday, October 30, 2008

State of the Society

I had this great post all worked up in my mind yesterday about this election and all the things that are making me so angry. Well, I went out for drinks with some co-workers and it didn't get posted. Now I have calmed down a little and sorted out in my mind, what I shouldn't say.

Everybody needs to vote, it is our right as American citizens. We can all sit around and complain about what is wrong and what we want from our world. If we dont vote, we lose the right. I should say I don't care who you vote for, but I would be lying. Everybody wants you to see their candidate as the ideal one for the country, but that would make the world a much calmer more relaxed place to live.

One of the things that got me fired up yesterday was a political stunt that used Halloween as it's excuse. This is completely offensive to me, click here. This should be offensive to all of you too. Can you IMAGINE the headlines if this was done to the other candidate? It is disgusting!! I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green or anything in between, it should be offensive.

It would be naive of me to hope that race won't be a deciding factor in alot of peoples minds. Either for or against, any questions, click here. (it may be offensive) I could only hope that people could really look at the facts of each candidate and make the best decision for them. It is completely absurd to not vote Republican because you think it may be more of the same. Bush and McCain are two completely different people with completely different backgrounds.

I have only been old enough to vote for the last 20 years and in that time I cannot recall a time that I voted for a Democrat in any election. This will not be the year that I change my history. I will be voting for John McCain. I look at their platforms and goals for their presidency, I agree with more of John McCain's ideals.

Something to ponder as you prepare to vote on Tuesday, November 4th, click here.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Absolutely Nothing to Contribute

I have had nothing to say lately, which for those of you that know me personally is a miracle. I really have so much going on in my head that none of it can be made in one great post. I love Fall, I love the smell in the air, the colors all around us, pumkins, Halloween costumes for kids and all the family things there are to do. I hate Fall now.... just kidding.

We went to the apple orchard last Sunday, the weather was beautiful. I knew before suggesting the trip that it would be filled with families. It was, but it was okay. As time has passed though I find myself being jealous of the little boys running around picking apples from the trees from their daddies shoulders or feeding the goats and sheep on the "little farm" area. I kept imagining what Walker would be like at 2 1/2 years old, how much fun would he be having? Everytime I saw a little blonde hair boy toddling around it tugged at my heart and filled my eyes with tears.

The green eyed monster, jealousy, is a horrible feeling. It doesn't do anybody any good, but very hard to get rid of completely. Although, I am getting better at enjoying other peoples children again, I leave feeling very empty and lost.

Our pastor today asked us all today if we were lost. If we knew God in such a way that we knew without a doubt that if we died today we would go to Heaven. It was a tough question. Sitting in my chair, I prayed for forgiveness of my sins, including jealousy, anger, frustration and begged God to save me. I want to know that I am not lost permanently, just on a really curvy road of life. All of these things that have happened to us and the ones that will happen to us, will just lead us to the ultimate place we were meant to go, Heaven.

Where I will live eternity with our great Father, who has created the most beautiful apple orchards that I will get to take Walker to any day we choose.

Thank you God, for what you have done in our lives and continue to do. Please forgive me for the times that I am so obsessed with myself that I forget about you. Lord, open my head and my heart to know you in those times and feel you arms around me when I feel like I am falling.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Choosing not to Vaccinate

I have posted about this before and was happy to see some of the comments. What I need now is help for my pregnant friend. She and her husband are with us on not vaccinating, but are finding it incredibly difficult to find a doctor that is willing to work with them. If any of you live in the Upstate of SC and know of any doctors, GP or Ped, that works with non-vaccinating parents please leave me a comment.

As I have said before that it is an extremely personal choice that you have to make as a parent. Why is it that everybody else makes it so difficult for you to make? The medical community FORCES us to follow there schedule or you cannot find a doctor.

Need more reading material for vaccinating or not - 909shot and think twice . Be glad you have never been in our shoes.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Fertile Soul

Not mine necessarily, but it is out there for all of you too. After our "chemical pregnancy" I decided I needed a much needed break. I have been on some type of drug for almost two years. I am physically, emotionally and spiritually broken. What was needed was some healing from the inside out.

As many of you, it seems like I have read every fertility site out there just to find another one. Well that is how it happened. Check out The Fertile Soul , it combines alot of Eastern medicine with Western medicine. I have read her book "The Infertility Cure" and where is does not give you a cure, it really gives some points to ponder.

While searching thru the website I found an acupunturist in my city and have been going for four weeks now. I am back to doing BBT charts for her review and changing my habits drastically. No caffeine, no alochol, all drinks at room temp or warmer, no sugar, no wheat, no pasta, no dairy. Hmm, doesn't leave much left in my normal diet. It has been told to me by the 3rd acupunturist that I have a blood defiency. How do they determine that you ask?? By looking at my tongue.

Yep, my days of donating blood every 45 days has ended and I am trying to eat alot more green leafy vegetables that help produce blood. Brussel sprouts, kale, swiss chard, etc. It is working out ok, but dairy, sugar, pasta...HELP ME!! I am not even supposed to drink de-caf coffee. She says the process that the beans go thru to be de-caffeniated make it bad for you.

Three months, three long months. I haven't gone cold turkey on anything but the caffeine and mostly the alochol. She said as long as I was 80/20 she could live with that, so that is my goal. Give it up 80% of the time.

She hasn't given me a "diaganosis" yet, but continues to treat me for blood issues and emotionally issues. She said she feels alot of my infertility has to do with the loss of Walker and how it has deeply affected my core. Hmmm, I guess that wasn't to hard to figure. Oh well, I really like her and she is very calming and soothing. I on the other hand talk to loud when I am there, probably disturbing her other patients and get side tracked talking about who knows what, but she laughs and tells me I make her day brigher. Do I hear discount??

I am fixing the inside first, my heart, my head, the Holy Spirit living in me. Hopefully, the rest of my body will follow the lead.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Baby Shower

Well today I hosted a baby shower at my home (with the help of few other people)! Yes, a baby shower. Our dear friends who are very important to us are having their first baby, Samuel Thomas. He is due to enter this world on December 7th and they are very excited.

His mommy gave me plenty of opportunity to back out if I felt it would be to difficult for me emotionally. Yes, she is one of the most gracious generous loving people you will ever meet. I stood firm and said it we all be fine.

As the time has passed I was getting a tad bit anxious of how exactly I would feel, how would I react to all those diapers, small baby boy outfits and lots blue everywhere. Would I be a complete wreck and ruin it for her? Would I be on the verge of a breakdown every time somebody looked at me? Should I really do this, I want it to be perfect for HER, I did not want it to be about me.

Well, I am happy to announce that I changed my way of thinking days before the shower. This is NOT about me, it IS about her and Sam (and hubby of course) and things will go perfectly.

She had a baby shower for me when I was pregnant with Walker. She was the only one besides my husband and parents that watched Walker when I needed to go somewhere. They are also the same people who opened their home to all of our family and friends when we lost Walker. We had at least 10 people staying in their home on that horrible weekend, since I was unable to come back to our house for almost two weeks after it happened. This was so small on the scale of things I could do for them. They mean the world to us as friends, they are our family.

We had a wonderul day. The weather was cool, but the sun was out and the Fall colors were starting to show everywhere. We had a great brunch and great company. There were great gifts and lots of advice for the new mommy! I hope she enjoyed her day, I hope that it meant as much to her as all of the things she has done for me. I hope she felt the day was all about her and her new family.

Lots of love to Jason, Wendy and Sam.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

October 15 National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

I grabbed this button from Our Own Creation , please click here to read more information. Please pray for all of us who have lost children regardless of the situation. I will be lighting a candle in memory of Walker from 7pm-8pm.

This really is not a "national" day, you will probably not even hear about this day unless it is on my blog or somebody else's. I doubt it will make the Today show or any other national talk show.

Hold somebody close, please get on your knees and pray to GOD for all of our pain, loss, frustration, anger, disappointment, lost dreams, no first birthday parties, no Christmas together as a family, no christening, no family vacation.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Continuing To Ask God for a Baby!

Ask and it shall be given..." Luke 11:9

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Devastation of Loss and Infertility

I read this poem weeks ago not really sure if I would post it or not. I am not worried about the backlash, my friends know that I think that they are wonderful mothers and adore/love their children. Those of you I don't know, I hope and pray that you are wonderful mothers and love your children immensely. I am tired, frustrated and sad today. I am lonley for Walker.

I am disheartened that this might be it for us, a life without anymore children. I have prayed (begged) God to bless us with more children, to allow us to be parents again. I have also prayed that if that is not HIS plan for us to please take away this need and desire from my heart (and head.) I still have this tremedous longing so I am hoping that means HE just isn't ready to give us more children. I am HOPEFUL that HIS plan is the same as mine. I would like to remind HIM that I am not a very patient person, but I have been trying to be for the last two years of this rollercoaster called infertitility.

I look at this beautiful face, his beautiful blue eyes with extremely long eyelashes (thanks to his daddy) and I ACHE. It is painful, so very painful that it is really hard to breathe. My happy baby, who I can only dream about now.

There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics or money
or because I have read more books,
but because I have lost,
I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life,
the people who truly have appreciation
are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore, and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake
in the middle of the night to the sound of my child,
knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him
and that I am not waking to take another temperature,
pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense;
that God has given me this insight,
this special vision with which I will look upon my child.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to
or a child that God leads me to,
I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment,
as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face,
yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me,
I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better,
I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn
to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Tired Tuesday

"Count it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."James 1:2-3

Monday, October 6, 2008

Fall Bike Rally 2008

It has been awhile since my last post. Between being very sick, very busy at work and being gone last weekend, I just didn't have time. Just a few pictures of me and my amazing husband this past weekend. Obviously, from the cocktail in my hand, I did feel better before we went. The weather was beautiful in Myrtle Beach and we had a great time. Unfortunately, Myrtle Beach City is trying to cancel the Spring and Fall Bike Rally since there has been some unfortunate incidents in the week following the Spring Rally. This may have been our last rally in SC, but it was great.

If you look very carefully you can see that massive seat that I sit on!!! It is actually much more comfortable than it appears.
Have a great week!!