Saturday, September 27, 2008

My Boy and His Toys

I get the TV and the computer today (along with all the housework) because my beloved is busy working on one of his toys. Yes, we bought the 1966 GTO on August 2, 2007, the first anniversary of Walker's Angel Day. He completely assured me that it was completely restored and would not require any additional work (or money)! Ha, how foolish of me to believe that silly statement. Now we have pulled the motor and transmission and had them rebuilt. Replaced the radiator, the starter and who knows what else he has "forgotten" to mention. It is pretty, but wasn't it hot in 1966? Vinyl seats and no air conditioning, hmmm...

We sold the last motorcycle and his jeep (another toy) to buy this beautiful car. He has been actually withering away from his sadness of not having a motorcycle. It has been FOREVER, the longest he has ever gone without having a bike (a whole 7 months). So needless to say this is our most recent purchase.

I know it is beautiful, but unnecessary. For those of you who are wondering where I sit, on the rear fender on a seat that has suction cups to keep it in place. Yea, my dream come true!!!
I have reminded him that 2009 is my year! I have no idea what I would like to purchase. Any suggestions???
What are your dream men's toys??

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Photo Bracelet

I found this beautiful bracelet from Adrienne who lost her son. I have gotten TONS of compliments on it and thought I would pass along the website. You can order online at
Kimbra Studios . It was extremely easy to download the pictures and move them around until you are happy with the final design.

I highly recommend the quality of this bracelet, it is waterproof and very durable. Great gift idea for somebody very special.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Lots Of Prayers

Please pray for this family - Cole Ruotsala . My heart aches for them during this time of loss. The grief they are dealing with is so overwhelming and consuming in every way.

Please appreciate your children in everyway. Even if you didn't get enough sleep last night, or they interrupted you on the phone, you were late for work, no drinks or dinner with friends. They are your children, God willing they will be with you for a very long time. For those of us who have lost our children, please LOVE yours with everything you have in you!!

Lord, watch over this family as they grieve the loss of their son. Even knowing that he is in a better place does not lessen the pain they feel right now. Hold your arms around them and keep them tightly in your grasp. They will need you to hold them up throughout this time of need. Watch over them as the grieve and pray to you for the safe keeping of their precious, Cole.
In your name Lord, Amen.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Jury Duty

How many of you out there have had to serve on jury duty? This was my first time. The first thing that came to mind was "how do I get out of this?" Not very patriotic of me is it? I did get it delayed because it was the same time our first IVF was scheduled, but it showed up again for this week.

I was not looking forward to juggling work and sitting in the courthouse all day. First let me say, my husband is a POLICE OFFICER!! Hello!!! What attorney wants me on their jury? Needless to say, I showed up everyday to be excused for the trials each and every day. At the end of the week even the judge knew me by name!! Oh well, I am excused for serving on Circuit Court jury for at least three years.

It was kind of interesting to see the "other side" of our justice system, different than the one I hear about and see at home. It would have been very difficult for me to have been impartial, but I would have tried.

Work has picked up again, mortgage rates dropped so we are having more refinances and purchases being scheduled. It helps my days go by faster alot less time to think about the things I want but dont have.

After leaving church this morning we were talking about the sermon that Pastor Ralph gave regarding that our goal in life should to be the determination on the race/game of building our relationship with God. That we should concentrate on the things in front of us and focus on winning. Of course, this is my interpretation of what was said, but that basically that this is the only "race" that matters. That when the day comes that we are standing in front of the Pearly Gates how do we stand according to the relationship with our Father as compared to how we wanted it to be?

Although our loss of Walker and our infertility has caused me to venture down some paths literally and figuratively that I would not be proud to share, but they have caused me to TALK to God more. To ask for his guidance and assistance. I understand that there are things that I want, that I will never have. What I do need to learn to do more is to lean on God's way. We need to stop thinking for what we want and instead, listen to what God is leading us to. What He wants for us. He is all we need, we need to lean on Him and give ourselves over to Him completely, not partially. Not when we are desperate for what we want from Him, but ALWAYS.

I am struggling with all of this emotionally, physically and spiritually. I am recoginizing along this very long road of turmoil that we will be okay. When or how, I have not been able to understand, but am learning the only way is to have Faith.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Lymphoma In Dogs

So it is Terrible Tuesday!!! So I took our dogs to the vet to have their annual checkup done and get bathed. Simple, right?

Nope, not in our world. Nothing is simple. Our German Shepard, Pete has been diagnosed with Lymphoma!! Shocking to say the least. What do you do with a 10 year old dog that is happy and perfectly trained and love him to death? Do you do the selfish thing and subject him to chemotherapy and bone marrow testing or do you make him comfortable and let him go????

Well, since both of my in-laws were plagued with the disease (Cancer) and lost their struggle, we have chosen to make him comfortable. We are unwilling to subject him to something that we were told was "the worst pain they have ever felt."

It feels like at every turn in the last 2 1/2 years we have been faced with the hardest, saddest, unexplainable losses. We know that we are not being punished, but it is really getting hard to stay positive and keep our (un) wavering Faith.

We WANT to be strong, faithful and walk with God knowing that it will all be ok, but....
Thank you to all of our friends and new blog friends that have left generous words and prayer. We appreciate and need all of the support we can get. I am still not a top notch blogger and not sure how or if I respond to comments. Please now that we have received them and they have touched us dearly.

Friday, September 12, 2008

(In) Fertile Friday

Fertility treatments SUCK when they don't work properly. Not only have you spent a boatload of money, your hopes get very high to be punched down by heavyweight boxer, you feel like crap with all the hormones being put into your body. BUT just because you are no longer pregnant and the injections have stopped you still have all the HORRIBLE side effects. Nausea, tired, headache, breast tenderness and bloating to mention a few.

Anybody out there recognize these side effects as a sign of something else? Yep, pregnancy.

You don't get the happiness and pleasure of knowing all these side effects are worth it because you will have a little baby in the end. You just get to be depressed and feel like death, literally and figuratively.

Now that I have lightened everybody's Friday with my sunshiney outlook, go and get ready for a great weekend. Hope everybody has something fun and positive planned.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

No Miracle

Another blood draw today and we did not receive a miracle. My HCG level was less than 1, which means there is no pregnancy left at all. Now we wait for my progesterone to drop too. Once that happens the "heavy" issue will start and we move on.

To what you ask? I have no idea. I am not prepared in any way to make that decision. I am going to give my mind and body a chance to chill for a while.

I need a couple months of no drugs and no stress/anticipation. We need some time to get back to just enjoying each other.

Monday, September 8, 2008


Let me backtrack a little and add this is a sad, feeling sorry for myself post. I am in that mood tonight.

The only time that I get the laptop when my husband is home is now that football is back. Welcome back Monday Night Football. He does try to get the TV and the laptop, but I guilt him into letting me have it for a while.

How exactly do you come to accept that you may not be parents again? How do you know when enough treatments are enough? Where do you draw the line? One more time, two more times, until we have no more money in savings and investments?

I married Jeff because I love him and want to spend my entire life with him, just him. Did I know that it might just be the two of us? Was I ok with it then? Am I ok with it now? Yes, I am. My life is about enjoying it to its maximum with my wonderful, loving, giving husband. What I want is for us to enjoy our wonderful marriage with our children. I want them to learn Jeff's crazy laugh and wonderful sense of humor. To have his beautiful eyes with those to die for long eyelashes. His forgiving never holds a grudge way of life. I want to take our children to the park, birthday parties, sledding at grandma and grandpa's in Michigan in the winter, to Church, to VBS, go on vacation with the girls and all their crews.

What do you do with the dreams when you are dealing with the unexplainable reasons of WHY you don't have children? Am I being dramatic? Maybe, I hope that I am.

Walker was truly a blessing to us. Even though this fertility journey has been HARD, it was so much harder losing my sweet baby boy. As I look at his pictures I sometime wonder if I will forget how it felt to hold him, nurse him, see him smile, hear him start to coo and talk to us? Will I forget his sweet smile the last night I put him to bed? He is our ANGEL. I miss him so much sometimes I feel like it will take my breath away. I LOVE YOU!!!

Back to now, they (the RE office) keep telling me that I will start to "bleed" very badly. Worse than I have ever had to this point. So being the paranoid overly prepared individual that I am, I continue to run to the bathroom every time I "feel" something. What would constitutes very badly to you? More than a pantyliner? Me too, but that is all I have had. Is it going to hit me in another hour, day, week? Really, if it is over why cannot it not just get over? Of course, my hopeful mind thinks MAYBE we only lost one, MAYBE I am not miscarrying, MAYBE this is just the spotting that everybody else has, MAYBE they got my blood mixed up with somebody else's? Yes, I know I torture myself. Not on purpose, its just my nature.

Hope - believing that a better or positive outcome is possible even when there is some evidence to the contrary.

Saturday, September 6, 2008


It has been a long few days, but we are doing well. I have tried to focus on all of the wonderful things God has given me instead of the things I am still wishing and hoping for. It is alot more rewarding. It would be alot easier to fall in the trap that I did before and ask "Why us again?" and pull away from God and His grace. I don't know that it is as easy for me as it seems to be for others to immediately fall back on Him, I do seem to fight my way thru on my own first.

Distractions?? I have searched the internet for blogs and stories of loss and recovery. I have cleaned out closets, dressers and my entire house. I have read several books and cleaned out my bookshelf. Gone riding on my husband's new motorcycle (Wild West Vigilante). I have really tried NOT shopping since we are a little tapped out right now with all the cost involved with this IVF process. What else can I do to keep my mind of the situation that I DON'T want to deal with?

Our pastor and his wife stopped by on Thursday night and helped me recognize again, that I am not being punished and that God only has love for us. Although he was unable to answer any of my questions that haunt me regularly he did remind me that God has a plan for us.

We WANT to be parents again. We PRAY that this will happen for us again. We appreciate all of the love and prayers that you have all given to us. The support that has come from everybody is truly incredible and extremely touching to both of us.

"this too shall pass..."

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Life Turned Upside Down

Yesterday was a tough day. Not the toughest we have had by far, but tough none the less. I went for my 3rd HCG test, happy and positive. Three - four hours go by and my impatient self has to call my nurse to see about the results. She asked "Is Jeff there yet??" I knew it was bad then.

My HCG level went from 151 last week to 12 yesterday. The call it a "chemical pregnancy", basically we have no idea why, but you are not pregnant anymore. From what I can tell the eggs tried and tried to implant hence the higher HCG numbers, but just could not get in the lining.

I can't even begin to touch on the emotions I have now. Why couldn't we have just gotten a negative test from the get go? Why have to go thru these cruel tricks? Why did they both have to be lost? We lost two perfect grade 1 AA blasts. WOW!! So my "perfect" scenario didn't pan out very well.

Yes, Yes, Yes, we still have one frozen garde 1 AA blast. So you think if two perfect eggs didn't take my odds are better with the sole solider? HMMM??? If that is what you think pray very hard for us, my mind is way to small to be that optimistic.

Maybe I have to accept that God does not want us to be parents, his plan may be very different than what we had hoped it would be. Maybe. Just maybe.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Mundane Monday

I love having free days off of work and when you work for a bank, you get lots of "extra" days off. I have done absolutely NOTHING this weekend. It is very unusual for me and difficult.

When I was pregnant with Walker, I went on about life as usual. This time, I am taking it a little easier. Letting myself be lazy and trying not to go crazy thinking about all the things I could/should be doing. I am not good at laying around and doing nothing. I have read 3 books this week and tons of blogs/internet sites.

I am praying for those in the most southern states, but praying that some of that rain hits us in South Carolina. We are beyond drought stages here.

I did change the look of my blog, I think the other was a little busy. Not to sure about this one either, but I do like it. I thought when I downloaded it that it should be 3 columns, but it doesn't look that way yet. I am so new to this blogging and not very computer savy on top of it. Bear with me, I am trying!!!

Any help would be greatly appreciated, if not I will keep searching blogger help and google.

Hope everybody else's Monday is a little more exciting. I am counting down until Wednesday for another blood level test.

Keep you posted.