Saturday, November 29, 2008

Holiday Hooplah

I am a Ba-Humbug!! Not because I want to be, but it is truly how I feel. For the first time since 2005 I put up our Christmas tree. It has always been one of my favorite holidays and even though it is about Christ birth, it is about children. And it reminds me of what I have lost.

That I never took Walker to sit on Santas lap, to take pictures of him in front of the Christmas tree, have him participate in the church Christmas Eve service. To see the joy and surpise on his face as he was surrounded with the gifts and paper that he was spoiled with. Turning on the radio or walking thru a store you are constantly reminded of the time of year that is upon us. I want to wake up and it be January 1st. A new year has to be better, doesn't it?

Every year that is what goes thru my mind, but midway thru January the disappointment sets in that it is all the same, just a new year that it is occurring in. When does it get better? When can I just say " I WILL be happy this year" and mean it?

Although my family and friends surround us with love, I dont really feel it deep in my heart. It is like I have built this wall around me the last couple of years to protect myself it seems that nothing can penetrate it and maybe that is how I truly want it? What brings joy also brings sadness??

Wake up tomorrow and LOVE what is around you. Appreciate the joys in life for they can be few and taken from you quickly. Pray for those of us that just don't seem to get it lately.

We watched "Fireproof" yesterday and it was AWESOME!! I want to be in, please pray for me to get there!!

1 comment:

jegglou said...

"he honors the childless wife in her home. He makes her happy by giving her children." psalms 113:9

An apartment neighbor who I was not particularly close to handed me as slip of paper one day after we greeted one another on the sidewalk outside our apartments. She said she did not know what God was dealing with in my life but knew that the scripture was for me. Little did she know I had just miscarried and was really struggling at that time in my life. I still have that slip of paper in my dresser drawer twelve years and four children later!! We had reached a point of accepting that God might not have kids in our future. I don't know the plans God has for you, but God knows your heart and has a plan for you. Plans for a hope and a future. Hang in there and hang on to Him. He alone will carry you through when you are too weak to walk this path. With a prayer for you.