Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Wordless Walker Wednesday

July 4th, 2006
13 weeks old

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Saying Goodbye

This weekend we had two funerals to attend. Since they were both on the same day and at the same time, we had to go to visitation for one Saturday and the funeral for the other today. One was for my dear friend Kristi's mom and the second was a wonderful man that had worked with my husband. Both from cancer, one was diagnosed and was quick to take an 80 year old woman's life and one a brain tumor that was diagnosed 5 years ago.

Funerals, they are so difficult. This is only the second one I have attended since Walker's. The first one was my father-in-law last Thanksgiving. As you sit there in the church or chapel, you are saddened about the effect this has had on their families and friends. You wonder what their tomorrow will bring, how long before the shock wears off and reality sets in. As I sat there separated from my husband as he sat with the police officers in the front, I thought about Walker.

Selfishly, I was consumed with my own grief of losing my 17 weeks old son. To say that I relived his service would be a lie, I was so filled with shock and grief most of that day is a blur to me. Although I know there were hundreds and hundreds of people there to show their respect to Jeff and I, I was consumed with my own emotions.

The question that keeps running through my head is "why funerals?" Is this the only way we have to really accept that the former life we had is over? That after this service our life has to change? We appreciate the show of support and respect, but the suffering has just begun. As everybody leaves and go on with there lives they will be reminded of our pain and loss periodically, but the devastation that is in the pits of our stomachs never seems to leave.

Yes, we survived as these families will too. We live with the memories that our loved one left us with and thank God for the time he gave us with them. This is just a cycle of life and we know that one day we will all be together again. Each day without them is still difficult and gut wrenching. Tell your family, friends, children and neighbors what they mean to you. You will never regret it. Love everyone around you the best you can! You will be a better person because of it.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Merry (Late) Christmas!

Christmas Day

For some reason our camera(s) is having lighting issues. We look very washed out, but here we are anyway.

We made a very bad decision on a day we are already sad and depressed. We went to see "Marley & Me". I read the book, thinking we were prepared for the parts of it that were sad, but not a chance. The movie made it much worse than I remember in the book. Although there were very funny part, they did not make up for how sad it was overall. Obviously, people had either not read the book or like me thought it would focus more on the funny stuff than the sad, but the theatre was full of children on Christmas Day. YIKES!!

This is a fair warning, don't go unless you need a seriously good crying. Jeff has walked around since and states over and over again, "that was the saddest movie ever". You have been warned.

We had a few people over for dinner, it was small and relaxing. We missed our family a great deal and wished we could have been with them. Hoping you all enjoyed your holiday.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Crazy Work People

Everybody has them right? The people that just absolutely drive you bonkers at work. We have one! Just one, it is a small office 3 men and 6 women. I am sure that at some point we have all gotten on each others nerves, because are space is small and our business is stressful, but one -she is bad.

She insists on talking on personal calls at work, like hours at a time. 155 personal calls in 24 days. Doesn't that seem excessive? According to our boss (hmmm, never mind) why does it matter she gets her work done. And when she isnt on the phone, she is wondering around the office getting into everybody elses business. What about the rest of us? How can we get our work done?

Who wants to listen to somebody talk about everything, I mean EVERYTHING personal in their lives? I don't want to know that much about people I work with. And the under her breath smart comments about everybody and everything. She is CRAZY, truly certifiable. Passive aggressive at best.

How do you handle the crazy people at work? Do you ignore them? Do you give it back to them? When your blood pressure is through the roof because you have so much work and cannot concentrate for a 45 year old women talking to her mama and papa and her baby girl, who by the way is her niece and she is 5 years old.

Well, for another day as I like to fondly refer to it "As the Trailer Turns", I will sign off and pray for Peace at work tomorrow.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

One Week

Amazing that another year has almost passed us by. I keep telling myself that I have to pick myself up and live my life. Can't go back and fix anything and can't create my future. Much easier said than done though. I still get those twinges of guilt when I laugh or have fun. Just knowing my little man isn't here anymore is very sobering.
As the rest of the world prepares to enjoy the holiday season and celebrate with family, I just want to cover my head and wake up on January 1st.
We (I) have make great strides this year, put up the tree and decorated it. Put wreathes on my doors and a few scattered holiday things out around the house. Small, very small steps. No gifts and no celebrations at this point. No, I am not punishing myself, the holiday spirit is just not in me.
We may actually go and see Marley and Me at the theatre on Christmas Day. Since we also have a Marley, named Doc, we should enjoy this movie. The book was great, although sad at parts, it was still very funny.
All you crazy last minute shopping people - enjoy your last week of extreme stress. When I was a gift giver my shopping was usually done by Thanksgiving!!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Wordless Walker Wednesday

June 18, 2006
Father's Day
10 Weeks Old

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Hopeful when Hopeless

It doesn't really make sense does it? Being hopeful and hopeless at the same time? It should if you deal with infertility. I have tried to stay positive in this 2 year hike of trying to get pregnant again, but every month I am reminded that it may just be hopeless. Am I PMS'ing? Yes, I am emotional and sad.
HOPE, what happened to it?

Everyday I look around at the people who "think" about starting a family and bam! they have as many kids as they could possibly dream of. I HATE being mad at the majority of the world for their happiness. I was them once. We had a beautiful baby boy who was perfect in every way. Then one horrible night it was over. Never to be had again.
HOPE, where are you?

Some days I feel like it will be okay if I am never a parent again, others I wonder if I can truly make it through another minute of this life without a baby again. The world is so ignorant to all of the people suffering from infertitility. I am so sick of people asking me if we are going to try again? Don't we want another child? They mean well and it is my fault for not sharing what we have gone through, but the pressure is to much for me. The cliche responses are not what I need to hear.
HOPE, are you just a dream?

I prayed for a Christmas miracle this year. Even if I could have just wrapped up an EPT test with two lines for my husband for Christmas this year. Yes, I know next year is a new year it will be better!! Will it? I have been telling myself that since that dreadful night in 2006 that it will.

HOPE, will you please come back to me?

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Wordless Walker Wednesday

April 23, 2006
18 days old
Hanging on one of daddies co-workers car!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

What are you Reading?

Anybody that knows me well knows how much I love to read. Everything, pretty much any genre of book is good with me. I have several books going at one time with several waiting to be read. Actually a whole big bag of books to be read.

What I am reading now, The Bible, "Where is God when it Hurts?", "Face the Fire" and "The Infertility Cure. What I have just finished, "The Shack", "The Ruins" and about 20+ books from Nora Roberts.

What I am wanting to read, "The Purpose of Christmas" by Rick Warren.

Suggestions? Must reads? Just plain ideas or gotta have on my bookshelf?

I feel like am just floating around lately. I don't really feel grounded or focused. Why??? Time of year, just my normal depressing attitude or am I losing it completely?

PLEASE give me some books that will fix me, is that even possible do you think? Oh well, it keeps me occupied and not thinking about what neurosis I may have.

Happy Reading!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Wordless Walker Wednesday

May 30, 2006

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Happy Birthday!!

To my amazing husband! You are the light in my every day. You have this unique ability to make every situation lighter and funnier than it really is. You make me smile when I want to scream.

I cannot imagine my life without you. I am a better person because of you.

I love you!!!

Happy Birthday Jeff!