Sunday, December 28, 2008

Saying Goodbye

This weekend we had two funerals to attend. Since they were both on the same day and at the same time, we had to go to visitation for one Saturday and the funeral for the other today. One was for my dear friend Kristi's mom and the second was a wonderful man that had worked with my husband. Both from cancer, one was diagnosed and was quick to take an 80 year old woman's life and one a brain tumor that was diagnosed 5 years ago.

Funerals, they are so difficult. This is only the second one I have attended since Walker's. The first one was my father-in-law last Thanksgiving. As you sit there in the church or chapel, you are saddened about the effect this has had on their families and friends. You wonder what their tomorrow will bring, how long before the shock wears off and reality sets in. As I sat there separated from my husband as he sat with the police officers in the front, I thought about Walker.

Selfishly, I was consumed with my own grief of losing my 17 weeks old son. To say that I relived his service would be a lie, I was so filled with shock and grief most of that day is a blur to me. Although I know there were hundreds and hundreds of people there to show their respect to Jeff and I, I was consumed with my own emotions.

The question that keeps running through my head is "why funerals?" Is this the only way we have to really accept that the former life we had is over? That after this service our life has to change? We appreciate the show of support and respect, but the suffering has just begun. As everybody leaves and go on with there lives they will be reminded of our pain and loss periodically, but the devastation that is in the pits of our stomachs never seems to leave.

Yes, we survived as these families will too. We live with the memories that our loved one left us with and thank God for the time he gave us with them. This is just a cycle of life and we know that one day we will all be together again. Each day without them is still difficult and gut wrenching. Tell your family, friends, children and neighbors what they mean to you. You will never regret it. Love everyone around you the best you can! You will be a better person because of it.


daniella said...

Dani, this is why I follow your blog: you really say it like it is and you're not ashamed of it. You're brutally honest and raw with your emotions, which is a bit refreshing...not having everything said sugarcoated or prettied-up. Pain is pain, and that's ok. I just want to let you know that I read your every post, even though I don't always comment. Sometimes words aren't enough (or too much). But I pray for you each time and keep you in my thoughts throughout the day.

love you dear girl! Hope this new year will bring some joy and happiness into your life.

Lee-Ellen said...

prayers for you and your family dani!