Almost a New Year

So it is upon us again. It is amazing how fast the years just seem to fly by. Remember when you were just a young child you couldn't wait to be older. Just wanting to be a teenager, then to get your driver's license, then college, then 21. It seems like it was ok to stop after that for me:-) All kidding aside, it does seem like all the good milestones happened as a kid/young adult.

Now we have work and responsibilities that take up all of our time. What happened to Christmas break, Spring break, Summer break? Why don't companies give us more of those? Oh well, we can still dream as adults can't we?

So another year is here (or almost) and life has still not given me all that I hoped it would. Maybe this year will be different. Maybe this still mounting grief and pain will ease, maybe a baby will come into our lives one way or another and maybe just maybe I can say that life doesn't suck.

I don't make New Year's resolutions, but I will make a promise to try harder at everything I do this new year and pray that God helps me become a stronger Christian!!

God Bless you all and be safe this coming holiday!!!

Is it Too Late?

A Christmas tree, is is too late to put one up? The month has gotten away from me and being that I am not really in the spirit of the sensational part of the holiday this year, I didnt decorate. My parents got here late on Sunday night to undecorated house to celebrate the holiday. The true meaning of Christmas is not about all the glitz and glamour it is about celebrating the birth of our Saviour, Jesus Christ.

In the grand scheme of things as long as our hearts and mind are in the right place, I guess it doesn't matter I don't have a tree. It is surely a lot less to clean up and put away.

Today marks the 2nd anniversay of my sweet Riggs going to heaven. RIP my sweet boy, you were the best dog ever.

Merry Christmas all, with or without a tree:-)

Don't...

Don't Tell Me Please


Don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

Author Unknown

Difficult Time of Year

This time of year is just HARD. I try to get in the spirit, the festivities and the mood, but it is hard. I miss my baby, I miss the babies I will never have and Christmas morning as a family. To see the joy on my childrens faces as they open those gifts that were top on their wish list. I am sad and lonley for Walker.


Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.
James 4:9

His presence near you brings comfor and peace and renewal and refreshing and increased desire to stay close to him always, although full satisfaction for your longing soul He reserves for heaven. Nothing else does what His nearness does.

click here for the rest... it did give me hope.

She might change her mind

Ok so The Design Girl has a giveaway for a custom blog makeover. If you do a blog post about it you get an extra entry.

Since I am completely retarded when it comes to doing anything creative on my blog, I need all the extra entries. I would tell you to check it out, but I dont want the competition:-)

Have a great day!

Happy Thanksgiving!

There are alot of days that I complain (and cry) about what I dont have, but there are so many things I am thankful for in my life.
My husband, dog, family, friends, my developing relationship with Jesus Christ, my home, health, my job (when I get one again LOL), the sunshine, the rain (when we need it), my pool, food, heat (AC in summer) etc.
There are so many things when I sit down and think about it. I have a tendency to focus on missing my little man and wondering why.
Today, while I will still be missing Walker, I will focus on being thankful for everything I do have.

God Bless You and Your families today!!!

Take the time to thank somebody today for something they have done that has made you thankful for them. Giving thanks brings joy to everybodys hearts!!

Too busy?

Ok so unemployment is busy! I cannot believe how much I have neglected my blog. I still keep up with all the other blogs I read and start forming a post in my mind, but I get sidetracked. I think I have caught ADD from my wonderful husband. Speaking of husband, I neglected to wish him a "Happy Anniversary" here on my blog, November 8 we celebrated 6 years of wedded bliss. Of course, if you had asked him how many years it was have probably been a much higher number, but he does have a tendency of exaggration:-)

The weather has been absolutely gorgeous here in the South, mid to high 70's. It is really hard to believe that it is the middle of November. I have not spent as much time outside as I would like, but I am trying to work on my "to do list" in case I have to go back to work soon. It appears that may be the case.

We celebrated Sam's 1st birthday yesterday. It was an absolutely perfect day, weather and celebration. Although, it was bittersweet for my personal since we never got the opportunity to have a one year birthday party for Walker. It was so wonderful to see our friends have permanent smiles on their faces as they helped their son enjoy his first birthday party.

I have been practicing with my new camera and realize that I have a long, long way to go before I could ever charge anybody for my services. Our teacher was amazing and so is his work. He was so generous to share his secrets and all the other things it took him years to perfect. Thank you Jarrad.

I will post some pictures that I took recently, you can be my judge!!

Thanks for checking in to still see if I was here, I will be better I promise.

I am Back

My trip home was great. I was homesick (for hubby and pooch), but my trip seemed to fly by. I crammed in two Northern Michigan wine tastings. I have determined that I like white wine that is made in stainless steel barrels instead of oak barrels better. The main objective of my trip was to help my friend, Kari, organize her house. She has 3 children, 6, 4 and 9 mo. WOW! I was exhausted!!! I dont think I have ever seen so many kids clothes and toys. Although, there was more I wanted to get done for her (shoulda skipped one of those wine tastings:-)) we got all three kids rooms done and a converted coat closet into a activity room for the kids.
To all of you parents, you are awesome. It is amazing the amount of energy I needed to get through the day. My quiet reserved life is so much calmer.
This is what Michigan looks like in the Fall...

I would love to take credit for the picture, but I stole it from here. She is from MI too. I learned a very valuable lesson as a new photographer. Make sure your battery is charged and/or bring your battery charger. These fancy cameras dont take just any kind of battery. I did not get many pictures. I did lug the camera and the big lens with me in my carry on. Lesson learned.

My trip there was terrible. I have always hated Delta airlines and was very disappointed that Northwest merged with them. After sitting on the plane for about 3 hours they cancelled our flight due to "weather". Interesting the next flight left an hour later for the same destination with no delays. This was after we were in line on the tarmac to take off and had to return to the gate because our flight crew would be over their 14 hours by the time we reached our destination. I couldnt get on a flight until the next day and they wouldnt give me a seat. I decided to rent a car with a fellow passenger and drive the 4 hours north from Detroit. It was miserable, but I arrived safely. I will be writing a letter to Delta requesting reimbursement for my flight since the flight crew delayed and ultimately cancelled out flight since I guess they don't know how to read the clock BEFORE they pushed away from the gate.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Sorry about the bad image, not sure how to increase the size without making it blurry. Leaving for the possibly snowy north for 10 days. Leaving the husband with the high maintenance pooch. Made dinners for 10 days with two homemade apples pies. He should be full and happy.

Hopefully, he will miss me too!!

Models

My class was awesome!! Very informative and hopefully some of what I heard will have sunk in and will be able to use when needed.

Jarrad Lister Photography is who hosted our class and shared all of his secrets of success with us. I met some really great people and hope to stay in touch with them. There was a wide range of experience and cameras. It was great to here other advice and questions from fellow up and coming photographers.

Well having this lady as your model for the day wasn't difficult. She is beautiful and made our pictures look great even if they weren't. Amanda Pennekamp Bluestein was Miss South Carolina 2004 and 1st runner up at Miss USA 2004. She was so nice and personable. She was gracious and kind, she stood for hours and let us all get in her face. Isn't she beautiful??

After my class, I went to a friends house and got the chance to photograph Doc's brother. It is amazing that dogs can look so much like their siblings and parents. CRAZY!!

Meet McCray.....

oh and his little friend Toby.....

Frame of Mind

Here is the frame of mind I have been in. This camera demands all of your attention. Believe me you have to read the manual on this one. It has been a little overwhelming but exciting trying to figure it all out. It is a Canon 50D and it is a great camera. Maybe a little more than I need at this point, but hopefully I will have it mastered.

Espically after next Saturday when this courageous professional photographer offers to teach us subpar photo experts what the heck to do with these cameras we bought. You know we all want to capture that picture that puts us in the history books:-)

Here is my model. He is so patient and willing to please. He doesnt care what the photo actually looks like just that I am paying attention to just him. He doesnt mind that he gets pushed and pulled around the yard as long as it means I am touching him and he isnt far from me at any given point. He loves me regardless.

Oh yea and the tire in his mouth, he loves that too. Of course, he is a Lab and has to have something in his mouth at all times.

Here, well he is over being the model. He has dropped the toy and just wants to go inside. He was playing hard to get. Pretending that if he doesnt look directly at me I will get the point and let him go.

You were the best model Doc. Just wait until I really learn how to use this camera you want to eat, you will be printed and posted all over the house!!

A Different Kind of Pain

We have talked about getting tattoo's in honor/memory of Walker. First we waited until we designed or found the perfect one that meant something to each of us. It seemed like it took us forever to really find one that fit each of us perfectly. I have to give Jennifer Nettles credit for mine, but of course I adapted it to fit me by adding the W in the center.

So Jeff designed his and the artist helped him tweek it some. It looks perfect!! You may have to turn your head to the side so you can get the full effect.

We love and miss you so much Walker. You will be forever etched in our hearts and now on our arms.

Fall means Football

This is my favorite time of the year. The cooler air, leaves changing and FOOTBALL!! I love college football. My wonderful husband prefers NFL, but either way it is that time of the year.

Here we are supporting our "home" team. Although we are there any more we try to support all teams from Michigan.

Our beloved Lions need everybody's support since they are sorely lacking in the winning category. Oh well, we still are fans!

Who is your favorite team?

Tired

Tonight I am extra tired. I finished reading a book and it hit me really hard. It was about a man engaged to a women he was "supposed" to marry. Of course he meets his soul mate and breaks off his engagement. There were fields fire (rural Kansas) and the fiancee' severely burned and the soul mate died. The fiancee' died in the hospital and was revived. Long story short while she was down, the soul mate came back in the fiancee's body when she was revived.

I didnt really do the story justice, but it touched my heart to the core. What a story! I couldnt help but think of Walker. Some days it overwhelming how much I miss him and wish that he was here living with me in some form. I completely broke down. It was uncontrolable sobbing. It must have been long overdue. Now my eyes are completely swollen and I am exhausted.

Along with this mini-breakdown, I have not been feeling well. My last IF treatment was the end of May. They take a real toll on your body and hormones,but it has been months so they should be out of my system. I have several different blood tests, but nothing seems to show up. I am tired, slight weight gain, emotional, etc. Plus, no AF for two months. Yes, I have been tested and No I am not pregnant (unfortunately) Never ever in my whole life except when I was pg with Walker have I ever missed a period. I started my period about 5-6 weeks after I had Walker and was breastfeeding. When we lost Walker and I was in serious grieving and stress I had a period. Every 28 days, always.

So there is no rhyme or reason to what is going on with me, but I don't feel good. I am going to have my thyroid tested and see what comes of that. Anybody out there had anything funky go on with their bodies??

Or am I just specially weird:-)??

Job Anyone?

I have become a victim of the economy and a poorly run bank. They closed our division down yesterday. They will layoff 12 off us at the end of the month (2 were already layed off a couple months ago).

We were a successful, money making division, but when you have bad management you have a very weak bank. It is interesting though that a new president took over and he got a $550,000 signing bonus!!! WTF???

How does that even make sense? People losing their jobs and presidents getting bonuses like that. Crazy, crazy.

So has anybody changed careers by choice or not, that LOVE what they do? I am thinking about a career change.

If you cant say something nice.....

You know the old saying, everybody has been told it at one point in their life. Well, it sums up how I feel about almost everything. I don't have alot of nice to say about anything. I am in a 3 year rut. Grumpy, sad, pissed, sad, angry, sad, sad and sad. Depressed, I am sure.

What I can't seem to get over is "accepting" my life the way it is. I am sick of it and I know that those around me have to be too. I don't really talk about it much anymore because nothing new really comes out of my mouth. Repeat, repeat and repeat.

I am still on my boycott, being mad at God. But....it is exhausting and overwhelming. It is time for me to get over myself and start to figure out what God has for me. I am actually desperate for it, living thru this anger is tooo much work.

I recently read a blog of another couple that lost their daughter when she was two days old. Their faith in God is actually unbelievable to me, cannot even remotely image myself being that dependant on God. Believing and hoping that my Faith can grow to be like that is inspiring. Here is their story.

God wants more for me and from me.

Making New Friends

The past week has been filled with a lot of emotion and sadness. Along with it we have had the opportunity to make some new friends. Our friend Diane's funeral was last Thursday (August 13th) it was sad for all us espically her husband and her family. There were so many questions left that nobody will ever know the answers to. It broke my heart to listen to the what if's, If I had just, how could we not have known, etc. It is now time for the healing to begin. What a long road it will be, but a path they must follow.

Diane's husband is from England. They had moved back here to the states a couple of years ago and lived in Arizona. He has some very dear friends that flew in from Ireland. We were fortunate to have them in our home for most of their trip.

It was incredible to meet these two men. To listen to their lives and traditions and how many of them varied so much from ours it was hard to even imagine. They are both police officers there and had so much to talk with my hubbie about.

We as Americans have no idea of what it is like to live in a constant war zone. To listen to a normal day at work for them had me dumbfounded. How sheltered we really live here in our country. Although I never intentionally take our "peace" for granted, I realized talking to them I sure do. We are so fortunate here. The bombings, riots, the raids, the streets being filled with angry mobs, etc. WOW!!!

What a sad circumstance to have met some great people that we hope to stay friends with for the rest of our lives. Diane brought an opportunity to bring us all together to say goodbye to her and hello to each other.

Rest in Peace, Diane.

Motives

We are all motivated by different emotions. Anger, fear, sadness, jealousy, greed, etc. It is amazing how we react to all these different emotions.

I am tired and sad tonight. We were woken at 3am to be told one of our friends had taken her life. We are so terribly sad for her husband and family. It breaks my heart that she felt like she was in a place so bad that she couldn't reach out to any of us. That none of knew that she was hurting so badly or struggling with things we were not aware of.

We dont have all of the horrible details since they live out of state, but we are praying for peace for all those that loved her. Loss is so difficult to live with. It tears you apart bit by bit, you are never the same. With situations like this, the guilt that you leave for those left behind is an emotion that can never be resolved. You have left the what if's and the why's that can never be answered.

Use whatever resources you have in your life. You are loved by more people than you can ever imagine. Reach out, somebody wants to help you and be that shoulder for you.

Death, a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Reach out, love your neighbor, love each other.

Interior Design

We have been working on so many projects on our house for the last few years. It is basically all new, which can be good or bad. That depends on what your style is. I dont really have a style. I like what I like.

I search creative websites on how to use what you have and reuse. How to find bargains and reuse, etc. My husband hates my "ideas".

Here is a website that I love to follow: http://theletteredcottage.blogspot.com/ and her new store she has: http://www.letteredcottagehome.com/.

Happy decorating!!!

Northern Michigan

We planned on spending the week in Michigan, but ended up coming a few days early. My dad has had a couple mini-strokes and ended up in the hospital for cartoid artery surgery. His artery was 99% blocked, thankfully they did the surgery quickly. We made it here a few hours before the surgery after driving all through the night. He came through the surgery and he is home and feeling ok. Thank goodness he had the symptoms before a major stroke happened. God was sitting on his shoulder.

We spent the weekend in Torch Lake with my roommates from college and took my niece to play with all of the kids. Torch Lake is supposed to be one of the most beautiful lake in the country. It was absolutely beautiful there.


Here are all of us girls, chillin by the water.

At the end of a beautiful day. It didnt rain where we were, but it must have rained on the other side of the lake with this beautiful rainbow.

Our last night at the campfire. It was a beautiful weekend with great friends and family. There is no place better to be in the summer than northern Michigan.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to me! The last year of being in my 30's!! Whew, were has the time gone.

The last three years I have "gotten through." It is really all I could manage. Each day I would say today was going to be the day I started to really live again. That day will never come, I will never live again like I did when my son was alive. Now I live with a hole in my heart that will always be there.

What I hope for in the next year while I am still young and in my 30's (:-)) is that I can accept what I do have each day. Try not to live in the past and hope for something in the future. Just live that day to its fullest. It will not be easy, there are so many things I miss and regret that I dont have, hope for still.

My struggle with God still battles inside my head and heart. My hopes are that although I think he is a cruel God for the things I have had to deal with, I hope that what he is needing me to know/learn will soon be evident to me. That the lesson that is there for me can someday be used to help somebody else that is in pain like I have been.

Happy Birthday to me!!

Terribly Unexciting

There is NOTHING exciting going on around here. We are doing ALOT of home improvements to get ready for a couples wedding shower on August 8th. It is great for me because hubby has to do all the projects small and large that I have wanted done for months (years some).

To give you an update of what is going on with increasing the size of our family....nothing. We have decided to do nothing. We will not be doing any more fertility treatments, no DSS foster/adopt and no private adoption. We will be trying to accept that the life we currently have is the life we will have always.

I have decided for me that the emotional rollercoaster of adding to our family is too much for me. If we are meant to have more children, then they will have to drop into our lap, literally. If there is a child or newborn out there that finds their way to us ,who knows through what route, we will consider adopting. Only by the grace of God will I ever get pregnant again. (very unlikely)

On that note, I am still pretty angry at God on where I am with all of this Walker, baby, pregnancy disappointment. I have not really worked out where it all fits in to my life right now. I joke that I have boycotted God. Honestly, I am not really joking. My feelings on all that are so jumbled and selfish that there is no point in trying to explain them, because I have a tendency to go in circles.

For those of you whose faith is still strong and intact, please pray for me (us) because I just don't have it in me to do it anymore.

Happy 4th of July!

God Bless all the men and women who serve this country to keep us free and safe. To all the men and women who serve and protect us everyday.

To my husband, thank you for doing what you love even though it is a very unappreciated and thankless job. I love you and am very proud of you.

(thank you for standing there while I took your picture:-))

What a Great Town!

Nashville~what a great town! I met one of my roommates from college there with some of her fellow doctors for an optemetric conference. They flew in a couple days early to hang out and see the city. I drove (5 1/2 hours) to meet them. We had a blast and saw a couple of hopeful up and coming bands.

Here is my past roomie: Dr. Kari and me

The whole group of us on our first stop of the night.

The Stage, Nashville TN.

One of the up and coming bands.

One of the hopefuls - Lew.is Cop.elan.d and me at The Stage. Check out his band, he has a single out and an album in August.

Last, but not least my new boots!!! I love them. They are Luchesse Anteater boots. I have only gotten the chance to wear them around the house, but I am very excited about them.

Unfortunately, I dont have the pictures on my camera but the other up and coming band/artist is Jason Jones. He just signed a big contract. I will get to say I saw him when.

If you want a great weekend with a lot of live music visit Nashville. It was great.

Nashville~what an amazing town!

Going Back In Time

This is going to seem like a very strange post and it is. My emotions have been very low to say the least. I keep going through my mind of the hows and whys I was able to get pregnant and stay pregnant once, but it seems to elude me now. I understand that I am 4 years older, but I am a healthy person. I take care of myself and all my stats are great.

How many people do you know that would go back to one week before delivery when they are the size of a small house? How many would LOVE to endure the discomfort, pain and the inability to really do anything well? Who would trade my size now for this?

(I was huge people. There are few people I have seen in person or pictures that were as big as this with one baby!!!! Sorry for the full on skin picture, but it is the only one that give my actual size justice)

Me!!! This is one week before I delivered Walker (yes, I did get bigger.) I would trade places with myself now and go back. The things I would do differently and (alot of) things I would do the same.

I mad, frustrated, angry, hurt, disappointed, disillusioned and don't get me started on the conversations I have had with and about God lately. He has set a path for our lives, but can I just say I am not happy about mine right now. In the grand scheme I know that it doesnt matter what I want or think it should be, but I have to live this every day and I want a say too.

Crazy, selfish, un-Christian like? Maybe, but very very truthful. It is almost impossible for me to explain the pain and anger that I feel these days. The life that is laid out in front of me that I have to live whether it is my choice or not.

Back to figuring out how to suck it up and be thankful for the things I have (there are alot of them) and forget about the things I want.

Some Entertainment

This is what I did this week. Although, I am a dumb-dumb and didn't take my real camera, I had to resort to my phone/camera. Which by the way, I barely know how to use. So can you guess who was almost close enough for me to jump over the rail and touch? Or who my friend Anna did get to touch? He was standing on a little platform built in the seat next to her? That she offered to me earlier on in the concert?

Keith Urban!!!! (and Sugarland opened for him)

There he is on stage, you can only see him on the screen behind.


And last but not least me. Yes, I did get all my hair cut for the summer. I love short hair. I was so glad to get rid of that mess I had going on. It appears I may need to think about some Botox too?!?!?

We had a blast and it was nice to get out and enjoy myself during a really crappy week.
Hope you all had a good week.

I Stink At Blogging!!

I have been terrible, I know. We have had company for the last 10+ days, so I have a small excuse. Pictures will be coming of Part 2 of the 40th birthday soon.

What I have learned after having a family of 5 in my house (3 kids - 5 and under) is that my life is very simple and QUIET!! haha. We LOVED having them for their family vacation. All of us, including Doc (my 9 1/2 yr. Lab) are exhausted.

The amount of energy those kids have and require you to have is amazing.

Maybe God has really been trying to tell us that we just aren't cut out for it?!?!?!

Part 1 of The girls 40th Birthday Weekend

Two of my roommates from college came into town to celebrate the 40th birthdays. Although, we missed Kari she will be here tomorrow with her family. We will celebrate her birthday too. We aren't used to not having all four of us together, but we tried to have fun.

The second 8 hour day in the pool. Loving life with a pool in the backyard.

Loving the sun together.

Hmmmm, too much fun had by some???

We still look pretty good huh??

Love you guys! I wish we were still within walking distance of each other. Glad we can still pick right back up after this many years.

Happy Birthday tomorrow Kathi! Happy Belated Birthday Kari and I look forward to seeing you and your family tomorrow.

Another One Bites The Dust

Another cycle that is. We did a SOIUI (super ovulation inuterine insemination) and although we had 5 good size follicles (4 smaller ones), estrogen over 1000 and 9.4 million gradiant prep sperm.......no dice. No pregnancy, no baby.

I am sorry that I didn't share that we were doing a cycle, but we kept it on the down low. Thinking it would be easier if this was the outcome and we had ANOTHER failed procedure.

Thank you to all of you would prayed for us even though you didn't know what to pray for specifically. We felt the prayers and support. What seems to be harder and harder to accept is that GOD does not think we should have another biological child. While some of you think that is ok we can adopt, you are right, BUT I have this incredibly STRONG desire to birth another child.

It is so hard not to feel like a failure, to feel less of a woman, to be a wife that cannot provide what most every other women seems to do so easily. While you can tell me that I am none of those things and that my husband loves me regardless, I know that you are right. It doesn't stop me from feelings those things.

Hope and Faith were two things that I refused to give up while going through procedure. Well now that it has failed yet again....these are two things I am struggling to keep in my vocabulary.

I really appreciate all of you and your hope and faith for us.

I am still Walker's Mom

Sunday sucked again. For the 2nd year in a row, my husband had to work. I would have gone home to be with my mom had we had a little more notice, but that isn't how it works with police officers.

I decided to stain the deck on my screened in porch. It took me ALL day. I had Christian music playing and some soul searching with lots of conversations with GOD.

Regardless of whether I will have more children either physically or adopted, I am STILL Walker's mom. Sometimes it hurts so badly knowing that I don't get to parent him here on earth, that I miss the memories we had on our only Mothers Day together.

Today the pain has subsided from Sunday and I am so happy that I am still his mom.

I LOVE YOU WALKER, your mommy misses you.
XOXOXOXO

Slacker

I have been a blogger slacker. I haven't done well on keeping up with yours and have certainly not kept up with mine.

Congrats to you on your BFP's (big fat positive) and on finding out the sex of your newest additions. You all have been very blessed.

As I mentioned last time we have alot going on in our lives right now. None of which I feel comfortable talking about still, but totally appreciate all of the positive words and prayers. I promise I will fill you in when I am able.

This past weekend we received some very sad news that a fellow classmate from high school died in a freak accident. She was 37 years old and at her child's track meet. There is some conflicting news still on exactly what happened, but she was headed to the infield to meet with her child and hit her head. She died instantly.

HOW???? How do these absolutely unnecessary tragedies happen? I lost a child before he ever got to be in the prime of his life. Before he got to crawl, talk, walk, play sports, attend church/school, tell me he loved me, find the love of his life, get married, have children, etc.

She was in the prime of her life. Married her high school sweetheart and had two children. Living the dream she had as a child growing up. I am so sadden for her family and friends. Please pray for peace for her family. This type of grief is so difficult, so unimaginable. You cannot prepare yourself for this. Pray that her child does not carry any guilt that this happened at his sporting event. It is so easy to accept responsibility in situations that you shouldn't.

Life throws you so many curves balls you cannot anticipate, get out your mitts we can catch them if we try. Life is not impossible if you concentrate on what matters.

Treatments

Treatments, which kind you ask? There are so many I am going through now. I am still seeing the acupunturist weekly, it relaxs me and seems that it is helping with my levels. Specifically, my FSH dropped over 3 points, below 9 so back within the "normal" range. Last week, I started seeing a hypnotherapist. Yes, I have now been hypnotized.

It is not ANYTHING like I thought it would be. It was a very, very relaxed state. I heard everything she said to me, remember it all and tried fighting it the whole time. Hopefully my subconscious has soaked it all in and can work on my "issues" without me even knowing.

The RE office, well there are some things going on. There is nothing to report at this time, but hopefully there will be some developments soon.

We went to the DSS (department of social services) Orientation on Foster/Adoption last night. WOWOWOWOWOWOW!!! If birth parents had to make even a portion of the effort that we will have to go through to adopt a child the world would be a MUCH better place. Obviously, they need to ensure that these kids have a second opportunity to a good life. A life that does not involve living in fear, stress, disappointment, agony, etc.

The stories we heard were very sad and we didn't even touch the tip of the iceberg. We still have some things to discuss and decide before we move forward. Hopefully, we can give a needy child a wonderful home.

Ready, Set, GO!!

We have made a decision on what we want to do next in regards to our (in)fertility journey. I am not ready to go into all the details quite yet. I have become a little superstitous throughout this whole process and prefer to keep everything close to the vest, for now.

Please though if you could all do us one HUGE favor and pray for us over the next weeks/month. We would greatly appreciate knowing that there are extra peeps out there praying for us to get and stay PG.

"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded, you need to perservere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Heb 10:35-36

Thanks be to God.
Amen.

Wordless Wednesday (or Not)

I have been crazy busy lately, but nothing of great excitement. We had some friends in town for a couple days with their two kids, 8 and 9 and an 8 week old chocolate lab puppy. We are not used to that much excitement in our house. It made us wonder if we were really ready to have that in our life. YES we are!!!

So I have asked for prayer and guidaince on some things that have been going on. On March 3rd, we secretively had our FET (frozen embryo transfer). Unfortunately, it didn't stay. We were pregnant for 1 week. Just like before, I wish we would have just gotten a negative, but that tiny bit of hope just tears you apart. We thought it was gonna be different, we thought the odds increased when the one embryo thawed perfectly. But nope, another loss.

That being said, what do we do next? It has not stopped us from wanting a baby!! Our baby!! Unfortunately, that means going through IVF one more time. The money, the shots, the emotions, the bruising, the emotions (did I mention the emotions?).

Now I am back on the decision roller coaster. WHAT DO WE DO????

Our saving account was pretty drained from last time, we got to write a nice check to the wonderful IRS, our basement is still not finished and another IVF??? It feels a little irresponsible to spend that much money in this economy, but time is not on my almost 39 year old self. Am I being selfish? am I being stupid? am I ever going to be a mom again??

Please pray for some guidance and lots of fertile eggs!!!

Happy Birthday Walker

Today April 5th you would have been 3 years old. We waited for you for so long and you were amazing. We couldn't have asked for a more perfect baby. I could sit down and write about you for pages and pages, but physically and emotionally it is more than I can handle.

Below is the first time I saw you. I thought you looked perfect even though you looked pissed. We rested assured that your lungs worked perfectly.

We miss you every second of every day angel boy. We know your birthday in heaven was better than anything we can imagine here on earth.

We love you Walker!!!!

Wordless Walker Wednesday

Five Weeks Old

Prayer

how do you know the answer? I mean when you are praying for guidance and help with a decision, how do you know that you are hearing God's answer or just what YOU want to hear? I have to make a decision, but I need help. I need God's help.

I think I know what to do, but am I thinking with emotion only? Does it make sense to take this road or am I just to pigheaded to hear anything else, but my own needs?

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to prayer, as long as you are speaking honestly to God. How do you hear the answers? or advice? or suggestions? or path to follow?

Any and all opinions matter, please leave me yours.

Thanks.

Gifts and Donations

Let me start by saying that I am not a good seamstress. My Mom is AWESOME, but I never wanted to learn. So a few years ago she bought me a machine and I took lessons. I will never make big bucks, but I can sew a basic straight line (as long as you don't get a ruler out:-))

I decided to make some blankets for babies/kids. The have chenille on one side and cotton on the other. The finished size is about 30 X 34, in that range. Again, not an exact science for me.

These two shown are gifts for dear friends of my who have little ones. I have lots more fabric to make additional blankets. We will see how skilled I get before I decide if I can charge for them, but for now they will be gifts. I also plan on making up a bunch and donate them to the PICU department of the hospital where Walker was. The day we lost him they wrapped him in a quilt that had been made and donated. Although we didn't take it home and didn't need to, it was alot nicer than a hospital blanket to hold him in that last time he was in my arms.

So I will make some and donate them. If they are lucky enough to get to take their babies home they can have them. If not, they will be there for the next family to use. Whatever the hospital decides the best use for them is fine for me.

I am thinking of having some tags made to sew on the blankets in memory of Walker. I dont want to put Made in Memory of Walker because I don't want other people to feel the stress of that while they are in their own situation. Any suggestions???

Spring Has Sprung

When we moved into our house it was late January and this was cut down to a stump. We thought they had cut down a tree since it was so close to the pool and didn't grind the stump. Within the a few months, this is what we saw.

The casual name for it is "Tulip Tree", but we think it is some kind of magnolia bush. Anybody know what this is called?

Hope Spring is coming to your area soon.

Randomness

I haven't been around much lately, but I have been thinking of you all. I have alot weighing on my mind lately. I am not ready to discuss it all out in the open yet, but I appreciate everybody praying for some peace in my mind. What has seemed to have happened is that I have been spending alot of quiet time praying. I feel lost and can't seem to find the right side of up on anything. It was so wonderful having my parents here for a few weeks, but it is always so hard when they leave. I wish it was easier to be closer to them. I am really dissatisfied and unhappy at work, but feel stuck and unmotivated to find something new. This economy has really put a damper on the environment we are used to living in. There is this pull in me to do something new, something creative but I haven't put my finger on it yet.

My dad spotted this in our neighbors tree. I cannot believe from that distance he could tell it was a groundhog, but here it is. I have never seen a live groundhog before let alone in a tree. Interesting.


My crazy dog, Doc. Since he is now the solo dog he is actually much better behaved. He doesnt feel that he has to compete with the other dogs for attention. It is really amazing that he has always been at least 1 of 2,3, or 4 dogs that he would be so jealous and competitive. He is much calmer, almost like a different dog. We had fun playing with him on the floor and snapped some funny shots. Hope you get a good laugh at our big man, doc.

He thinks he is a 110 lb lap dog. This is new behavior, wanting to climb up into our laps. One of the only traits of a lab he posseses is ALWAYS haing something in his mouth. He doesn't fetch, but he doesn't let go of anything.

Faith

This is not a great picture since it is in my hallway and I could not get a straight on picture. Hopefully, you can read it all.

faith

is the strength by which a shattered world

shall emerge into the light

I feel that is exactly where my life is right now. Which is a nice refreshing turn.


Have a happy week!!