To Walk with God is Gracious

Life

2011-05-26T10:54:00.000-04:00

Life is good here. Summer is here, sadly our pool is being worked on so it won't be open for another week or so. BOO since it has been in the 90's the last week.

My garden is doing very well and we will have food from it very soon. Our raspberry bushes are very small but we have gotten a few raspberries so far.

Colt is growing like a weed and is crawling, sitting, pulling up and getting into everything. We are so excited and blessed to go through all these stages with him. He is a wonderful child and he makes my heart swell everytime I look at him.

He is a big boy (close to 25lbs at 7 1/2 months old) he eats very well. I make all of his babyfood and he loves it. He has never had store bought food, ever. It might get a little tricky when we travel, but we will adapt when that happens.

I missed doing a 7 month update/post, but I will make sure I put up an 8 month post next week.

A few pictures to tide you over!!!

I will post again soon~

Where have you been....

2011-04-13T21:12:00.000-04:00

There has been so much going on in our lives that it is really hard for me to sit down and form complete sentences. Life has been very good to us the last six months.

Thanks to this beautiful, amazing, wonderful boy.

We are at a great mileston with Colt- 6 months old. We are so blessed to be his parents.

How can anybody not want to love on this face?

April 1st not only was Colt's 6 month birthday, it was my due date for Walker. So one minute I was celebrating my sweet baby living on this Earth and the next I was sad, very very sad. On April 5th, we remember our sweet firstborn on what would have been his 5th birthday. We should have a FIVE year old living with us and enjoying his baby brother.

We have been blessed with two beautiful baby boys. One we love on in person and the other with heavy hearts. Knowing that he is in a safe amazing wonderful place, playing on GOD's playground makes it slightly better. He is living the ultimate dream.

I miss him though, every minute of every day.

Happy Birthday Walker!!!

My friend submitted Walker's name and story here. We were so honored that she chose our little boy's name to write on her beautiful beach.

He was an amazing child and would have been a phenominal five year old boy.

What beautiful Eyes~

2011-03-22T16:35:00.000-04:00

I thought I would do better

2011-03-15T13:37:00.000-04:00

I really, really thought I would be better about keeping up this blog once Colt was here. Obviously, that is not even close to being the case?!?!?

Between staying busy with this wonderful baby boy, I am also working from home. I don't spend that much time on the computer anymore.

He really studies things and is grabbing/holding things so well.

I cannot believe he is almost 6 months old!?!?!

As excited as we are about that, right after his 6 month mark, would have been Walker's 5 year old birthday. It brings so many mixed emotions as the beginning of April approaches.

It is always with a heavy heart that Walker's birthday is not being celebrated with family, friends, presents and a beautiful boy running around.

He is missed so much each day and it saddens me that Colt will never know his big brother on this earth.

Five Months

2011-03-01T20:33:00.000-05:00

Today you are FIVE months old.

How is that even possible?

Time has flown by.

You are an incredible little boy.

Little is relative~

I am guessing you are around 22 lbs and growing fast.

You are on a good schedule and are pretty happy most of the day.

You always have a smile for us and laugh a good belly laugh at alot of things

You have to wear a bib all the time and sometimes it is soaked along with your shirt.

You pick up your toys and are able to play with them now.

You sit pretty well supported and scoot around everywhere.

You love your jumper and exersaucer.

You LOVE your dog and stare at him all day.

You have tried all sorts of foods and loved them all.

You have a bottle at 8am, noon, 4pm and 7:30pm~8 oz each

You eat food at 11am and 6pm~2-2 1/2 oz with 2T oatmeal cereal

You love people, but don't show them.

You study them without giving them much back.

You are good in the car, but let us know when it is time to go home.

We still love those chubby cheeks and beautiful blue eyes.

You have plenty of rolls and rubberband marks.

You always have something in your mouth.

We are watching closely for a tooth.

We love you so much and are excited everytime you do something new.

Four Months

2011-02-01T13:53:00.000-05:00

Today you are four months old.

You have gained so many new skills and "talk" while we play.

Look at that drool, it soaks whatever you are wearing.

It soaks us when we are holding you.

Teeth coming???

You love hanging out in your room playing with your Daddy and your toys.

Look how well you are holding that toy by yourself.

You are not always so serious, you usually smile and give me the most awesome love when you see me.

You get distracted when you see any type of camera.

Those eyes, I could just melt in them.

It is like you already have a whole slew of stories behind them.

I am sure you are plotting with your Daddy on all the tricks you will play on me.

Those cheeks....

You are such a big boy.

You are eating veggies like a champ.

You love squash and sweet pototoes, not sure about green beans yet.

You love to "hold" your bottle, when it gets close to empty you can handle by yourself.

The outfit you are wearing is 9 months!!!

I am guessing you are around 19lbs and 26 1/2 or 3/4 inches.

Size 3 diaper.

Oh and the rolls, plenty of those.

That hair, did you work on it all day?

You are a solid boy, a little unit (taken from Aunt Kathi)

Sitting up pretty well, when you are supported.

You are very ticklish and laugh out loud.

You are on a pretty good schedule and as long as it isn't time to eat or bed time you are pretty happy.

How happy we are because of that, it was a long time coming.

You have discovered your hands and usually have them in your mouth.

You are doing well picking things up, but don't have alot of control over them.

You are so strong, almost rolling over.

I think we will be seeing alot of that face!!!

So alert and interested in everything around you.

Look at that strong neck!!

I love to hold and cuddle you now that you don't scream all the time. Unfortunately, you are not really that interested in being held anymore. We rock you some at night, but you are doing well going to bed sleepy, but awake.

You move all over your crib so we are having to move you a couple times a night. You like to get yourself crammed up against the side.

We are doing okay sleeping through the night, but still have some nights it doesn't go very well.

We rotate you through all your toys because you get bored after awhile.

The jumper is the next toy that I think you will enjoy.

Happy 4 Months beautiful boy, we love you.

17 Weeks

2011-01-29T11:37:00.000-05:00

Seventeen weeks is such a significant milestone for us, we lost Walker when he was 17 weeks exactly. Whether we admitted it outloud or even recognized it, I think we were holding our breath until this point. We are one day past 17 weeks and would love to say we are relaxed about it all. We aren't, we probably will never be relaxed, but it is almost like a completely new adventure. We have raised two children upto 17 weeks old, now it is all new from this point on, like "new" parents.

I am constantly reminded of Walker when caring for Colton, but also recognize that Colt is his own person. We talk to him about his big brother and he smiles at Walker's pictures on the wall. This is the easy stage to talk to him about his brother in heaven. When he is old enough to actually process it and ask questions that will be the hard part. For now, we just go with the flow.

We love both of our boys and wish every day we were raising them together. Colt will always know he had a special big brother and a guardian angel.

Seventeen weeks is a huge milestone and we are looking forward to many more happy milestones.

Snow...Again

2011-01-17T18:20:00.000-05:00

So we have had our second snowfall in less than two weeks. Yes, I still live in the South and it isn't supposed to snow this much. Crazy~

Mr. Doc loved it, he played in like he was a puppy again. Then we got freezing rain and all the fun stopped.Poor Doc~

Colt will be 16 weeks on Friday, I promise to post stats and pictures. Life is still not on a schedule, but we are working on one. Colt has decided to be happy most of the day:-)

The End of The Year

2010-12-30T11:18:00.000-05:00

Being a new mom (again) I have been terrible at trying to keep up this blog. Our little man has been pretty high maintenance, but seems to be improving daily. The colic is reduced/gone, we still have a fussy period in the evening. The last two nights he has slept......11 1/2 hours!!! YEA~

Now I just have to sleep that whole time too, instead of waking up every 3 hours like we have been for the last 3 months.

He is getting 2 1/2 - 3 1/2 teaspoons of food in each bottle and eats 1 tablespoon of food by spoon once in the morning and once at night. This child is definately ready for real food.

Napping is still hit or miss, sometimes he sleeps for 45 min and sometimes for 3 hours. It is either in his crib or his swing. Hopefully, this will work itself out too.

He has been smiling on a regular basis and almost laughing out loud.

Colt and I went to Michigan the week before Christmas while Daddy went to Las Vegas for work. He did great on the plane and slept pretty well in his new environment.

Early Christmas at Grandpa and Grandma's house.

11 Weeks Old

Christmas Morning at Home

12 Weeks Old

Practicing tummy time

12 Weeks

Telling Daddy how excited he is to open all of those presents behind him.

We loved our first Christmas with a little one in the house. Next year he will be a little more into the whole holiday thing. We cannot wait to teach him the real reason for Christmas and celebrate the birth of Jesus.

Wishing you all a Happy New Year.

The Smith Family

Random December Pictures

2010-12-22T21:01:00.000-05:00

We are growing at a fast rate of speed this month. We made our first long trip and hopped on a plane to Michigan for an early Christmas with my family. Colt did so well traveling, but mama is still tired and not ready for another venture for a few months.
We are excited for our first Christmas with a little baby in our house!! More pictures soon.

Hope God has blessed all of your families this holiday season~

9 weeks 3 days old

2010-12-06T12:25:00.000-05:00

We went to the doctor this morning for a weight check because of the Zantac meds.

Colt was 15 lbs!!! FIFTEEN pounds!

He is wearing a 6 month onesie and 3-6 month pants.

He is finally starting to feel better and we will start working on the sleep thing.

The doctor actually told us we could start cereal in his bottle at night.

Since he has issue throwing things up, we decided to wait and start in the morning instead of at night. If he keeps it down we will do at night.

He is getting 1/2 breastmilk and 1/2 Alimentum formula. He is eating between 5-6 oz a day.

My baby is HUGE!!

I meant to start taking him pictures every month to show growth, but got behind.

Hopefully, we will remember from here on out.

Exhausted....still

2010-12-01T15:19:00.000-05:00

My big boy is still not sleeping very well so neither is mommy!! We went for his 8 week checkup and he was 13lbs 12oz, 23 1/4 inches long, almost exactly the same size as his brother was at 8 weeks. I finally decided that breastfeeding wasn't working for either of us anymore, so I am pumping and supplementing with formula. Of course, with his stomach issues/milk allergies we are on the high dollar formula, but it seems to be helping. He is still eating every 3 hours and takes about 5oz +/- at each feeding. We had up his dosage of Zantac to 1.4ml 3x a day. We just have to work on the whole sleeping thing!!!

We had our first Thanksgiving together and it was pretty uneventful.

We sported our Detroit Lions jersy (they lost again) and our 1st turkey day shirt. We had a small dinner and layed low. Things are slooooowly forming a loose schedule around here. Stayed tuned.

How Time Flys

2010-11-10T15:07:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe that Colt is almost 6 weeks old and I am pathetically lacking in computer time. Hence, the lack of posts. Although, in the middle of the night when I am holding a colicky screaming baby, I write many posts in my head. Then in the morning when I am completely sleep deprived and still have a crying screaming baby, the well edited post goes out the window. I digress....

Things have been as fulfulling and rewarding as they have been difficult and challenging. We are EXTREMELY blessed and are so happy to have him in our lives. He is a big and growing baby (12lbs 6oz on Monday 11/8 at a follow up appt). He is starting to smile, for real not just gas and coo just a little. He doesn't have much time for either of those things since he crys ALOT:-) He looks around and is starting to take in his surroundings and reacts well to our voices. He follows objects with his eyes and grasps thing tightly in his chubby little hands, usually my hair when he is screaming and flailing around.

Colt is a colicky, acid-reflux, high maintenance baby, who is so stinkin cute. We are working with the doctor on meds for the acid-reflux and (fingers crossed) it seems to have lessened the colic. So maybe it wasn't really colic and just gas and indigestion. Either way, it has been a LONG 5 1/2 weeks.

When you are a nursing Mom, you struggle with whether they are getting enough to eat (his weight proves he is) but also whether they are satisfied with what they are getting from you. We supplemented at the hospital before my milk came in since the colustrum was not cutting it for this big boy. I have tried supplementing a couple times since we came with disaterous results. The last time we ended up having to admit Colt to the hospital for two days since we couldn't stop the puking initially.

He is fine and they tested him for everything under the sun and it was all negative. As Jeff put it "we have to paranoid parents and a pukey baby!!" HA~ The doctors were concerned about it being several other reasons, but everything proved to be negative. YEA.

We are still operating on little sleep and a fussy baby, but we are working are way through it and hopefully we all we be one happy and rested family.

Photo Session

2010-10-22T19:24:00.001-04:00

Go check out this site for Colt's pictures. She did such an AWESOME job.
Thank you Kim.

Colt's Birth Story

2010-10-19T15:54:00.000-04:00

A VERRRY long post~

I thought this should get written down before I forget anymore of the details than have already been lost. I think after a certain period of time you only remember the good stuff with the sweet nothings, but that might not be a bad thing.

We were scheduled to be at the hospital at 6am Friday, October 1st for our 8 am C-Section. My parents got into town Tuesday evening and planned on following us there just in case they took me in earlier than 8am. Of course, Thursday night I was running around finishing up last minute things that I just felt needed to be done. Our bag was packed, cameras charged and everything set up to get ready the next morning. I went to bed around 10pm, anxious and excited.

Around 11:45pm I was woken by a sharp pain, not a contraction just a sharp pain. After getting up and using the restroom I tried a different position to go back to sleep. Within minutes another sharp pain with me trying to scoot off the bed and my water broke. Since I couldn't get comfortable by myself in bed, the hubby was sleeping upstairs in an extra bedroom, so I called him on his cell phone. LOL!!! I really thought he was going to hurt himself running down the stairs so quickly.

He brought me the phone and I called the hospital to "confirm" my water broke. TMI warning- there was some pinkish red blood so I was very nervous, but remembered reading somewhere that was normal. Of course, they said it all sounded normal, but to head to the hospital. Within minutes, contractions started and they were strong. No easing you into labor after your water breaks. Everybody got themselves dressed and ready and we headed out. I was of course disappointed with no shower, no makeup, no looking cute for this delivery as I had planned. There was barely enough time for me to wash my face and brush my teeth, let alone get clothes on. There were no pictures in the same location as there were with Walker's delivery, everybody smiling and getting ready to go to the hospital. There was alot of anxiety and nervousness this was not what was planned, or at least our plan. God and Colt had their own plan, October 1st was to be his birthday regardless of what was scheduled.

We arrived at the hospital around 12:45-1:00am and it was confirmed that my water did break and we were in labor, but although contractions were strong and regular about 5-6 minutes apart I was not dialated. They offered me meds to slow/stop my contractions and ease the pain so we could wait for my scheduled c-section time and my favorite doctor to arrive. Of course, I accepted.

This worked until around 5-5:30 am, when nothing seemed to stopped the contractions or the pain. The were increasing in strength and coming closer together. They ended up being 2-3 minutes apart and lasting over a minute long, it seemed like they were back to back. The on-call doctor was called again and she was going to start heading to the hospital, my original doctor was being tracked down.

They offered me an epidural somewhere around 6:30ish, by this time I had forgotten to pay attention to the clock and was just trying to get through the contractions. I had alot of concerns and questions as to getting an epidural instead of waiting for the spinal. After many questions, which must have seemed silly to the anesthesiologist, I begged for the epidural. WOW - what a difference that made- whew!!!

I give credit to ALL women who labor and give birth without an epidural, holy cow you are amazing women.

Finally, both doctors showed up and got the show on the road, we were wheeled into the operating room around 7:30ish (again not watching the clock) and Colton Jeffrey was born at exactly 8am. He started screaming from the minute his head was outside my womb, what a glorious sound it was. He had a healthy set of lungs on him, God had blessed him with sound!!!

My first view of my son...

Can you hear those lungs working?

Oh those cheeks~

Mommy and Colt

Our beautiful sweet baby boy, he is truly heaven sent.

A Quick Update

2010-10-12T13:37:00.000-04:00

Things are going well here, tired but that is to be expected. Colt still has his days and nights mixed up, but sleeps about 3 hours at a time so we get a small amount of rest.

He is so sweet and precious. We are so blessed, God has granted us a wonderful opportunity to parents again.

Here he is coming home from the hospital. It is a little washed out since I couldn't get the flash to turn off.

More pictures to come, when I get around to downloading them from the camera.

He is Here!!!

2010-10-04T15:47:00.000-04:00

ANNOUNCING~

Colton Jeffrey

8lbs 12 oz. 20 in.

Friday, October 1 8:00AM

We are in LOVE~

Will post details later.

38 Weeks

2010-09-25T20:44:00.000-04:00

6 Days Left and we get to meet our little man or big man. We will see soon.

It doesn't look like I have gotten any bigger, although I feel like I have doubled in size.

Colt's Baby Shower

2010-09-20T21:32:00.000-04:00

This post is very delayed, but that is how things seem to be going around here. I have great intentions, get the pictures downloaded and form the post in my head. It just never seems to make it on to the actual site. Our dear friends Jason and Wendy are also having another little boy. Our friends had a dual shower for Colt and Luke on August 8th. Luke was scheduled to arrive via c-section on September 13th but decided to come a week early. Luke was born 9-13 at 6lbs 13 oz, almost 2 lbs bigger than his brother Sam. He is adorable and everybody is doing great.

Colt and Luke's yummy cake

All the generous gifts for the boys.

An awesome piece of art for Colt's room. This was made for Colt by a childhood friends, daughter.

When I finally get around to posting pictures of the nursery, you will see how well it works in his room.

I cannot believe that I posted this picture. One I am huge, but this dress makes me look even bigger!!! Wendy was due 2 1/2 weeks before me!!! If her little one was 6lbs 13oz, what will my bruiser be???

Wendy and me with our wonderful hostesses!!

It was a great day to celebrate with friends the upcoming birth of our beautiful boys. Everybody was very generous and thoughful. We greatly appreciated everything.

34 Weeks

2010-08-29T22:35:00.000-04:00

34 weeks - 5 more to go~

Doc decided he needed to be in this picture too.

This picture was taken at 29 weeks, not exact pose or location, do I look like I have gotten bigger? It looks like he is just more out front now.

I tried forever to get them side by side, but I am no computer genius and I am tired. Have a great week everybody. Pictures from my shower coming soon.

Colton at 33 weeks and 3 days

2010-08-25T11:52:00.000-04:00

So I said I was going to be better about updating, but that has not happened. Things have been a whirlwind since my birthday and we have not stopped long enough for me to put any thoughts together. The pictures don't require alot of words except tooo cute!! He is measuring 6lbs already so it will be interesting to see how much bigger this boy will get in the next 5 weeks and 3 days.
We will meet him on October 1st at 8am.

Enjoy~

Yes, that is his foot in his face. No wonder I am so uncomfortable, he is bent in half.

WOW! What a week~

2010-07-29T21:53:00.000-04:00

On July 20th, I turned the big 4-0!! Amazing how much harder it was to get out of bed that day~

Jeff had to be out of town for work so some wonderful friends went to dinner with me-sushi and showered me with attention and generous gifts. We had a great night socializing and laughing.

On Thursday things went along as a normal workday and Jeff called to see if we wanted to go to an early dinner with friends. It was a little early for me to leave work, but I did and headed home. Walking into the bedroom to change my clothes, I heard a psst from the guest room across the hall and there were my three roomies from college to surprise me!!! YEA~ It was awesome.

I had my gestational diabetes test Friday morning (and passed by the way) and then hung out in the pool ALL day. They wanted sushi so back we went to the same restaurant.

As I turned down my street after dinner it was lined with cars, balloons on the mailbox- SURPRISE. A surprise party!

It was an amazing way to end my birthday week.

Here we all are 20 years later still as close as ever:

this is one of my favorite pictures to date, I have to play with it on my new Photoshop software and have it framed.

Who knows what we are laughing about, I am sure some comment about my huge stomach.

Us before dinner...

the boys after long days of keeping secrets and lots of people in the house

And finally a 29 week belly shot. Hard to believe I have 10 more weeks until my c-section to get bigger and bigger and bigger.

It was such an awesome weekend.

Thank you to my wonderful husband and my great friends for making my 40th birthday memorable.

Love to you all~

27 Weeks and Projects

2010-07-13T21:36:00.000-04:00

This is the deceiving pregnancy picture. You can hardly tell how pregnant I am and it makes you wonder why people ask if I am getting ready to deliver OR how many I have in there.

But then I realized that I really look like this to them:

Oh and I have 13 weeks to go, how embarrassed they get when I have to tell them that. Of course, I try to make them feel much better about their lack of knowledge of how big I actually get when pregnant.

There is this awesome blog, with this awesome artist that is really behind and not taking any orders for artwork. What she did do is some tutorials on how she paints and some advice for complete novices, like myself. So .....I decided to try my hand at some artwork for Colt's room.

I took the colors and the stripes from the bedding and tried my hand at the circles she demonstrated. Believe me it is by far not perfect and there is no way I could charge anybody for my work. But I am proud of myself and happy that I made something for his room. Don't come over and look closely at it though.

Now when we remodeled our kitchen a few years ago I could not decide what type of lighting I wanted over the island. We bought some pendant lights that match our dining room light a couple years ago. Since it is my birthday month (and a big birthday it is) I get alot of projects done from the hubby. So here is his 4th of July project.....

Love them!!! They look better than I could have imagined.

I have about 5-6 other projects that are in various stages of completion. Obviously, my goal is to have them all done by the middle of September.

Hopefully, I will be a better blogger soon too.

A real post coming soon

2010-07-12T10:30:00.000-04:00

WOW!! I am a slack blogger:-)

Things have been very busy for the last month and look like it is going to continue until the baby comes. I have some pictures and updates that have been downloaded and I will post soon.

Sorry I haven't given you much lately.

Have a great week.

25 weeks 5 days old

2010-06-25T12:57:00.000-04:00

Baby boy C is growing as he should and so is mama. We both checked out perfectly.

Guest Bed

2010-06-16T12:17:00.000-04:00

Welcome Back!

I have been on vacation and just got home with a cold. YUK! Some would not call going to Michigan a vacation, but when it is where you grew up and where all your important peeps are, then it is a vacation.

We normally split our time between my parents and one of my friends house, but this time we stayed down south (Detroit area). We stayed with a childhood friend of my husbands and visited his aunts and close friends.

Bed - a piece of furniture on or in which to lie and sleep; a mattress filled with soft material; a flat or level surface
While it is VERY generous of people to let you stay with them for a week would it be waaaay to much to ask to have a decent guest bed in a room that is somewhat cooler than say your oven??? I know mattresses are not cheap, but you can get a decent one for not too much money. Is it that you outgrew the bed and threw it in the guest room? It was uncomfortable for you every night, but good enough for guests? given to you by somebody else that was getting rid of it because it was way past its prime? free by the side of the road?

Should people take it as a sign that you didn't really want them to stay? or that more than one night is too much to be a guest?

Either way, with the exception of the two nights I stayed at my parents, I did not sleep for the week we were gone. I cannot remember a time that I have been more excited to come home and get into my bed.

Of course, I am a little more high maintenance because I am almost 6 months pregnant, it awful to not have a good place to sleep at night. It really does set the course for the rest of your day ahead and needless to say mine were not as pleasant as they could have been.

Oh well, we are home and well rested in very comfortable beds with AC on full blast. Hope everybody enjoys their summer vacation in a perfectly comfortable bed:-)

Rubbing elbows with the Rich and Famous

2010-06-02T15:47:00.001-04:00

So my husband had an important job this past weekend. He was the driver for Prince Ed.ward who was in town for the weekend.

Although, he didn't get to participate in most of the activities (my husband of course) he enjoyed the opportunity. He is not star struck and neither am I by anybody, it was a once in a lifetime experience.

He also got to drive a brand new spanking one of these.

Of course, I was ready to run out and buy one after sitting in it (yea right), but he said it was terrible to drive at night. It sure it pretty though

Who is the most famous person you have been in a car with lately??

Not an absolute

2010-05-27T13:02:00.000-04:00

It has been decided on completely, but his name is most likely going to be.....

Colton Jesse

Jeff picked out Colt (because of his love of guns-is is bad you pick your childs name from firearms? better than malt liqour I guess!!!) and Jesse was my Mom's maiden name.

Both of our children will carry their great grandparents names.

What is in a Name?

2010-05-20T15:28:00.001-04:00

We think we have decided on a name, but nothing is 100%. Right now the initials are C.J.S.
Anybody want to guess??

Don't cheat if you do know what we are considering!!

First Purchases

2010-05-18T12:25:00.000-04:00

joliem6201 charliemai

Aren't these soooo cute? I have decided that I want something cuter than the hospital provides for the baby!!
I got them both from etsy sellers. If you haven't check out etsy (etsy.com), please do. All handmade items, you cannot beat the prices or the quality.

18 wks, Mice and How not to get paint in your eye!

2010-05-11T13:30:00.000-04:00

Where do I even start with a title like that?? I was not going to post this picture for several reasons, no makeup (paint in the eye story to come) and my outfit. We were working outside and it was hot. Jeff took a picture with my shirt down and said you couldn't tell the size of my stomach. So the picture with it folded up. It reminds me of the 1/2 shirts that were worn in the 80's, can't believe those went out of style.

I decided last summer to make curtains for one end of our screened porch, but did not want to pay for a curtain rod. So I decided to try the pvc rod approach. We ended up having to buy several wooden dowels since the span was fairly long and it bowed some in the center. I spray painted the pvc pipe but it had worn off in several spots. So I got out the can and decided to cover up the spots before I rehung the curtains this year.

Well the paint would not come out. I noticed the hole was clogged up and started to pick out the gunk. Well, enough must have gotten cleared away from the hole and with the backed up pressure from trying to spray previously, I got an eye-ful of spray paint!! WOW did that hurt-oooheee. I went yelling into the house as Jeff is trying to drown me with the water nozzle. Finally when I came up for air and he realized I was ok, he started laughing at me. Of course I knew I must look amazing.

Wet head, no makeup and an eye that resembled Spot the dog. After much damage to the tender skin around my eye (so much for preventing wrinkles around the eye) I did finally get all the paint off.

Word to the wise, don't clear the clogged spray paint while pointing it at your face!!!

Another whole topic is mice. I am COMPLETELY terrified of them. I have never seen one in anyplace that I have ever lived until moving into Jeff's house. Needless to say I stood on the arm of the couch for over 2 hours until somebody finally came over with traps. We solved the problem at that house, but moved. We have never had an issue at our current house and we have lived there for 4+ years now. Until recently.

I have been woken up around 4am to what sounds like somebody drilling through my ceiling directly above my bed!!! It was sooo loud, I surely thought it was a giant squirrel. Jeff assured me it was just a field mouse!! WHAT?!?!?!!?

How the heck has a mouse gotten in our attic after 4 years?

It was captured and I finally relaxed until two night ago. The noise is back, but in a different area of the ceiling.

What in the world is going on??? So back are the traps with a few more for added protection (mine of course, not the mouse). We (Jeff, because I refuse to go look) cannot figure out where they are squeezing their little bodies into our attic or what the sudden draw is.

It will be resolved, even if I have to have 1/2 the house torn down and rebuilt to ensure it is all sealed properly.

Happy Tuesday~

Baby Boy Bedding

2010-05-05T17:19:00.000-04:00

Baby boy bedding is here!! We did very simple no theme, that way we can do what we want with decor and change when we want.

I love it even more in person, so excited to get started on the room.

Where are you?

2010-05-03T15:17:00.000-04:00

That is how I feel about myself, where am I? As I go through the days I am physically present, but mentally seem to be out in lala land. After our ultrasound last Tuesday we were cleaning up from dinner and it occurred to me that I didn't seem to be acting as excited about this ultrasound as we were with Walker. As I mentioned this to my husband I had to admit that it is because I am TERRIFED.

It is almost like if we don't get attached it won't hurt as badly if something happens. Don't get me wrong we are VERY excited, but we know what is at stake and what can happen.

We were generously given clothes from a friend of ours and I decided it was time to sort through what we already had and what she had given us. It was so emotional to go through all of Walker's clothes. It was certainly a walk down memory lane. It was as though I relived some of the days he wore certain outfits. It was hard, it was painful. Espically at a time I should be over the moon about a new life and a part of me is. It is almost like I am betraying Walker, by being so excited about his brother.

We are using the same furniture and a few of the same clothes, mostly only PJ's. Everything else will be new and different. We know this baby is not Walker but his baby brother. This child deserves to be his own self not live in Walker's shadow. But I feel like I live through Walker's shadow, through his memory sometimes.

It feels as though I am two people now, one living in the past with one son and moving on with another son. Walker taught us so much as parents and even more as human beings who suffered great tragedy. I believe we will be even better parents (a little more cautious at times) because of what we have learned and have become through his passing.

We know how blessed we are to be welcoming another son into this world, we grieved over the loss of Walker and the inability to get pregnant for so many years. We are trying to relax and know that everything we be okay. We are excited (although nervous) about our son coming into this world, we can't wait to meet him and hold him in our arms.

We are having a .......

2010-04-28T15:17:00.000-04:00

Another baby boy!!!

Sorry that it took me so long to update you all!!!!!! I hope none of you were worried, because I know I have been after reading blogs then waiting, waiting and waiting.

Everything was perfect, his heartbeat was 145 and all his parts seemed to be there.

This was an extra ultrasound, since I have had so many issues and I have been quite uneasy.

We go for the big 20 week ultrasound in 4 weeks.

Now, the hard part (well after actually getting pregnant again) is deciding on a name.

Ideas??

We will know tomorrow!

2010-04-26T14:31:00.001-04:00

I put the poll up a little late, but feel free to vote. We will know the sex of our baby tomorrow.
Boy or Girl???

Vaccine Awareness

2010-04-21T16:02:00.001-04:00

Most of you know that we are against vaccines. We have documented proof that Walker died from his 4 month vaccinations. It is "nice" to know what really happened, but disheartening to know that we could have prevented his death. My baby could be with me now!!!

Whether to vaccinate your child is 100% a personal decision. What I am hoping is that everybody really does their research on the damage that can come from these shots.

Do you know how many shots you received when you were a child? Now they get 48 doses of 14 different vaccines before the age of 6!!! (http://www.nvic.org/Downloads/4507NVIC11x17HIRES.aspx).
Here is a sample of a shot schedule from 1970 (the year I was born): 14 shots total

JUN 1971 - DPT
JUN 1971 - TRIVALENT POLIO
AUG 1971- DPT
AUG 1971 - TRIVALENT POLIO
SEPT 1971 - DPT
SEPT 1971 - TRIVALENT POLIO
OCT 1971 - MEASLES
OCT 1971 - GERMAN MEASLES
OCT 1971 - MUMPS
APR 1972 - SMALL POX
OCT 1979 - DTB
NOV 1976 - POLIO TRIVALENT
JULY 1982 - MEASLES
JULY 1982 - TBMV

Of course this is a sample and not my shot record, but I am sure mine is very similiar. (mom?) I potentially had 14 shots between birth and 12 years of age, today they want kids to have 48 before the age of 6!!!!

Please, please do your research. This is an interesting site to check out - http://vaccineawakening.blogspot.com/

You don't have to agree with me or follow what I will do, but please when making your decision know that you are making the most informed decision for your child and your family.

A late picture

2010-04-18T21:11:00.002-04:00

Me at 13 weeks with Baby Smith #2

I can't figure out the picture software on this new laptop. So it has taken me awhile to get the pictures off my camera and be able to view them. The colors aren't great, but you get the idea!!

15 Weeks

2010-04-17T20:49:00.000-04:00

How far along: 15 weeks

Size of Baby: 4 inches - 2 1/2 ounces

Total Weight Gain: 8 lbs

Maternity Clothes: Yes

Gender: ? Jeff thinks boy, I think girl

Movement: Maybe once or twice

Food Cravings: No, but meat is still something I am not interested in

What I miss: A cold beer or a nice glass of red wine

Sleep: All the time

Symptoms: Still some sickness in the morning, but feel pretty good

Looking forward to: Finding out the sex

Happy 4th Birthday Walker

2010-04-05T10:36:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday!

Today you would have been 4 years old. I can't imagine the party we would have had for you. You would be an amazing little boy, who made us laugh everyday. I think about what you would be doing, what you would look like, what your likes and dislikes would be, what personality traits we would see from each of us in you and how kind and happy you would be.

You are perfect in every way and we miss you so much every day.

We love and miss you birthday boy!!

I think it is for Real

2010-03-31T13:12:00.000-04:00

I am still being a little quiet because quite honestly this pregnancy still is pretty surreal to me. We are super excited, but we keep saying "we are having a baby" to each other. It seems almost like a cautious statement or a nervous question.

We are 12 1/2 weeks and I am still pretty sick. "Morning" sickness is basically all day, but with the help of one sometimes two Zofran we are making it through. To say I am happy about being sick is not entirely true, but it helps me know that I am still pregnant and things are going to be okay.

I am very disappointed in maternity clothes this year. I thought it would be so easy for warm weather to wear cute skirts and tanks or summer dresses. The selection of cute affordable clothes in my area is a little lacking. I did buy a whole lot of PG clothes off ebay and while I was happy with them, I still feel sad there isn't what I envisioned out there.

I needed to pay attention years ago to my Mom, who is a wonderful seamstress, when she tried to teach me to sew. While I can now "sew", a seamstress I am not. How hard can a sundress that doesn't really need to fit be to make?? I may try my hand at that soon, we will see.

The Cat is out of the Bag

2010-03-25T18:28:00.000-04:00

Miracles do happen!! After years of sadness, grief, anger, loss, etc. My heart and head actually feel some happiness. It has been a REALLY long road. I mean never ending road.

We have been blessed, again. FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!

PRESENTING.......

Baby Smith #2 at 11wks 5 days

His/Her alien shaped head. Scary, but it does turn out normally shaped.

3D - The arm and leg buds will grow:-) They are much longer than at 9 wks already!!!

There are fingers and toes, but impossible to see in this picture.

Thank you to everybody that has followed us, supported us, held our hands as we cried and while we prayed. For those who believed when we were not able. We can never thank you enough.

Please continue to pray for this baby's continue health and growth. As you can imagine my head just cannot stop with the "what ifs", but I am trying to relax and enjoy.

As we start this journey with this new baby, my first baby is always on my mind and in my heart he holds a huge chunk of space. I know that he is looking down on us now, blessing us.

He would have been the best big brother any child could have had.

Lots to talk about

2010-03-23T19:40:00.000-04:00

There is a BIG rumor going on around here. Quite honestly I am too sick to discuss, but soon, very very soon.

My Heart

2010-03-15T21:41:00.000-04:00

One Day Old

Quiet

2010-03-07T12:45:00.000-05:00

Sorry peeps that I have been very quiet lately. I have things on my mind and haven't been able to post about them just yet. Soon, very soon.

It looks as though Spring is on its way, of course by the calendar it is just shy of two weeks away. It has been sunny and warmish here the last week. My bulbs are starting to break through and buds are starting on some of our trees and bushes.

How is the weather where you are?

A Giveaway

2010-02-19T11:52:00.000-05:00

Not mine, but check out my friend Kelley here.

Be quick since I think she is drawing today! I was a little slow on the relay:-)

Have a great weekend.

Wondering about the What

2010-02-18T11:17:00.000-05:00

It is really hard for me some days to not wonder about what our (Jeff and I) lives would be like if Walker was still here. I try not to tortue myself with it as much as in the beginning of life without him, but nonetheless I still do. What would my life be like with an almost 4 year old?

This past weekend we were invited to join some friends at some of their friends house. (hey lips:-)) It was great to meet new people and enjoy a snowy sunny day in the South with all these great couples, oh yea and all their kids. As you know, I normally avoid these types of situations because I never know how well I will react or interact.

This is how I know I have grown and healed some since losing Walker. There were two little boys there who were very close in age to where Walker should be, one was 4 in October and one will be 4 in a week or so. In addition, there was an older child whose name was.....WALKER. I caught my breathe and my heart skipped a beat everytime his mom said his name. Several times I had to control my breathing and the tears that were on the verge of falling down my face, but I survived and I am a stronger mother of a child in heaven because of the experience.

Even a year ago I could not have enjoyed that day. Not a chance!! Although, I missed my little man and the opportunity to see him run and play in the snow with the other kids, I enjoyed myself. It was nice to be welcomed into a circle of friends who are basic strangers to us. It was nice to learn that the broken spots inside my body have healed enough that I won't shatter to pieces if I am sad. It was nice to know that I actually can be happy and sad all at the same time and not feel guilty about it.

It doesnt stop me wondering what life would be like if he was here, but it helped me acknowledge that life does go on either way.

How to Clean your Face with Oil

2010-02-16T12:11:00.001-05:00

It sounds pretty counter-productive doesn't it? I have been trying to be more focused on saving money, creating less waste and living a little more green. Now, I made my own homemade laundry soap even though Jeff said it wouldn't save us that much money. I have always had sensitive skin and have been unable to use alot of different products without breaking out in a rash or developing welts. This was no exception.

I bought all the stuff and spent the afternoon cleaning buckets to store my homemade laundry soap in, while my concoction was cooking and resting. It was a fairly easy process and made ALOT of soap. I was determined to use all of it before we decided whether it was worth it or not. Well, about 6 loads later my skin decided for me. Rashes, welts and really itchy spots developed and all my hardwork and good intentions went down the drain, literally!!

So in purusing the internet for new ideas I found this website (most mom sites are the best since they have lots of reasons to save extra money). An interestng concept, but again my skin is very fickle and doesn't like change.

Anybody use this cleansing process or interested in trying?

The Whys

2010-02-12T11:08:00.000-05:00

When anything happens in our lives and we don't have a clear understanding it seems the first question is always "Why?" Or as most times in my life "Why me?" Espically after losing Walker. For months, maybe even now as we approach his 4th birthday in April. WHY? WHY? WHY US? WHY WALKER?

Maybe it is a coping mechanism or just a selfish way of getting through life with its unexpected twists and turns. I can assure you that while I never wished it on anybody else, I did on many occasions wish it wasn't us/him. Which in turn says why not somebody else? I found many ways to justify it in my mind why that was acceptable.

What is bigger than all that this is the fact that IT doesn't have anything to do with us. We are never in control and have no say in the big picture of our lives. The only choice we have is do we believe God is our Saviour or don't we. Once you have made your only true choice in life, the rest is out of your hands.

I recently read a post by another couple (much more famous than us, if you listen to Christian music) who lost their son when he was 2 months old. They have dealt with several miscarriages and trials with fertility since. He asked a question on his blog, "Why not us?" Which is what Jeff asked me on several occasions when I was ranting and raving and crying my eyes off. Why not us?

Well, my reaction is because he was our baby and it wasn't supposed to be this way. To say life has been "easy" since would be a HUGE understatement. Everything that happens good or bad, it has makes me question. I feel most time that I am walking on nails, because I can't just relax. But, Jeff and I have made it through to the other side, together. There are so many families that go through this type of tragedy that end up divorced with broken families if they have remaining children. Maybe God picked us because he knew we would lean on each other, help each other, learn to accept the differences in grieving and appreciate that person on a whole different level.

I would be lying to say that I still wouldn't have wanted this happen EVER, just so I could have realized some of those things about the strength of my husband and marriage. I could have just assumed those things and prayed they were there when I would have needed them. I would rather have my son back, period.

"Silly. Foolish. Shallow. Unaware of this reality: Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. (1 Peter 4:12)" to read more click here.

It is an interesting perspective on why and why not. How has your life been affected that you can turn that why into a why not?

They are really good!!

2010-02-01T21:57:00.001-05:00

YUMMM! Usually when I make them with Oatmeal they are dry, these are not. Enjoy!!!

Chewy Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookies

Original Recipe Yield 3 1/2 dozen

Ingredients

1 cup butter, softened

1 cup packed light brown sugar

1/2 cup white sugar

2 eggs

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

3 cups quick-cooking oats

1 cup chopped walnuts

1 cup semisweet chocolate chips

Directions

1.Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C).

2.In a large bowl, cream together the butter, brown sugar, and white sugar until smooth. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Combine the flour, baking soda, and salt; stir into the creamed mixture until just blended. Mix in the quick oats, walnuts, and chocolate chips. Drop by heaping spoonfuls onto ungreased baking sheets.

3.Bake for 12 minutes in the preheated oven. Allow cookies to cool on baking sheet for 5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

Nutritional Information

Amount Per Serving Calories: 145
Total Fat: 8.1g
Cholesterol: 22mg

Nutritional InformationChewy Chocolate Chip Oatmeal CookiesServings Per Recipe: 42

Amount Per Serving

Calories: 145

Total Fat: 8.1gCholesterol: 22mgSodium: 107mgTotal Carbs: 17.2g Dietary Fiber: 1.1gProtein: 2.1gVIEW DETAILED NUTRITION

On the Road

2010-01-26T14:18:00.001-05:00

So I am headed to Charleston for the rest of the week. I wont get to spend much time here:

Maybe, I will see some of these :

Since I will be there for work and it is January, there will probably not be a whole lot of time spent in the evening on the beach.

I will let you know when I get back how it turned out.

Have a great week.

Tooo Funny

2010-01-20T22:33:00.001-05:00

Even if you have never had the displeasure of experiencing infertility first hand go check out this website. My stomach hurts from laughing. I really thought I was the only CRAZY infertile experiencing these thoughts. With such a shitty hand we have to go deal with when it seems the rest of the world just plans when they want their next child. Simple little plan tied up with a bow OR shit:-) like some of us.

Enjoy the laughs, but please give the next infertile you meet a huge hug. Although, we can laugh it is usually because we can barely keep from completely breaking down.

Our Before and After Basement Photos

2010-01-17T13:49:00.000-05:00

After 4 years we have been able to finish remodeling our basement. When we bought our house we knew there was mold in the basement. It was due to one of the previous owners never venting the dryer outside, they vented it into the drop ceiling of the basement. After being empty for 2 years having extreme ranges in temparture, mold grews. When we first started working on replacing every thing, we realized we had radon. So another step back and got that fixed.

This picture is what it looked like when we purchased the house.

Here it is after we removed the insulation, ceiling tiles and flooring.

And now:-) It is so warm and homey, I love being down there.

Paint done, lights need to come out.

Our new ceiling, lights and speakers.

The stairs coming down into the basement meeting the hardwoods at the bottom.

Nice ceiling tiles before huh? With indoor/outdoor carpet.

New paint

Now.....

We are so excited to have our basement back, just in time for the Superbowl party.

It's been soup weather

2010-01-13T21:14:00.000-05:00

One thing I have never really talked about here is how much I love to cook. We remodeled our kitchen with our focus being around my new stove. This weather has had me using it alot, making soups and lots of comfort food. The one thing I have noticed is that the stove seems to be a little off on the temperature. So I invested in a cool new gadget to keep track. I am also going to be giving something away that could help you. The other thing about good cooking is great cookware, you need to check out Rachel Ray's cookware here.

Being from the North this cold weather should not bother me. BUT I don't live there anymore, I live in the South. It is not supposed to be this cold, hopefully it is breaking. My parents have been here since the week before Christmas they are leaving on Friday. It is supposed to be 58 degrees here and they are leaving to go back to the REAL cold.

I will be back soon and more often in 2010 ( I hope). Come back to check out the giveaway that we will be having soon!!

Rescue

2010-01-03T21:08:00.001-05:00

Our church's mission statement is "Rescue, Grow and Serve." This morning service was all about rescue. Our Pastor spoke about why he chose rescue instead of evangalism and what it meant to him. The biggest part of the sermon that I took home with me is reaching out to at least two people who do not have a relationship with Jesus Christ and "rescue" them.

Immediately two people popped into my mind both with completely different stories in their lives, but both are in desperate need to change their lives.

As you all know that have read my blog for awhile I have struggled with my faith and my relationship with God. My grief and anger has been my main focus and most driving force the last 3+ years. Although I don't make New Years Resolutions, I did try and make a committment to myself to change that part of my life. It won't be easy since I still don't have my son nor do I have any more children. Two things that I am VERY unhappy with in my life.

What I can do is not focus on what I don't have in my life but what I can help add to somebody else's life just by caring about them and help them build this relationship that we all sometimes seem to take for granted.

Can you think of two people who need to be rescued this year?

Listen to this sermon from Dr. Carter.

Almost a New Year

2009-12-28T16:59:00.002-05:00

So it is upon us again. It is amazing how fast the years just seem to fly by. Remember when you were just a young child you couldn't wait to be older. Just wanting to be a teenager, then to get your driver's license, then college, then 21. It seems like it was ok to stop after that for me:-) All kidding aside, it does seem like all the good milestones happened as a kid/young adult.

Now we have work and responsibilities that take up all of our time. What happened to Christmas break, Spring break, Summer break? Why don't companies give us more of those? Oh well, we can still dream as adults can't we?

So another year is here (or almost) and life has still not given me all that I hoped it would. Maybe this year will be different. Maybe this still mounting grief and pain will ease, maybe a baby will come into our lives one way or another and maybe just maybe I can say that life doesn't suck.

I don't make New Year's resolutions, but I will make a promise to try harder at everything I do this new year and pray that God helps me become a stronger Christian!!

God Bless you all and be safe this coming holiday!!!

Is it Too Late?

2009-12-22T14:17:00.002-05:00

A Christmas tree, is is too late to put one up? The month has gotten away from me and being that I am not really in the spirit of the sensational part of the holiday this year, I didnt decorate. My parents got here late on Sunday night to undecorated house to celebrate the holiday. The true meaning of Christmas is not about all the glitz and glamour it is about celebrating the birth of our Saviour, Jesus Christ.

In the grand scheme of things as long as our hearts and mind are in the right place, I guess it doesn't matter I don't have a tree. It is surely a lot less to clean up and put away.

Today marks the 2nd anniversay of my sweet Riggs going to heaven. RIP my sweet boy, you were the best dog ever.

Merry Christmas all, with or without a tree:-)

Don't...

2009-12-13T22:10:00.002-05:00

Don't Tell Me Please

Don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

Author Unknown

Difficult Time of Year

2009-12-06T17:17:00.002-05:00

This time of year is just HARD. I try to get in the spirit, the festivities and the mood, but it is hard. I miss my baby, I miss the babies I will never have and Christmas morning as a family. To see the joy on my childrens faces as they open those gifts that were top on their wish list. I am sad and lonley for Walker.

Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.
James 4:9

His presence near you brings comfor and peace and renewal and refreshing and increased desire to stay close to him always, although full satisfaction for your longing soul He reserves for heaven. Nothing else does what His nearness does.

click here for the rest... it did give me hope.

She might change her mind

2009-11-30T23:46:00.002-05:00

Ok so The Design Girl has a giveaway for a custom blog makeover. If you do a blog post about it you get an extra entry.

Since I am completely retarded when it comes to doing anything creative on my blog, I need all the extra entries. I would tell you to check it out, but I dont want the competition:-)

Have a great day!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T08:56:00.004-05:00

There are alot of days that I complain (and cry) about what I dont have, but there are so many things I am thankful for in my life.
My husband, dog, family, friends, my developing relationship with Jesus Christ, my home, health, my job (when I get one again LOL), the sunshine, the rain (when we need it), my pool, food, heat (AC in summer) etc.
There are so many things when I sit down and think about it. I have a tendency to focus on missing my little man and wondering why.
Today, while I will still be missing Walker, I will focus on being thankful for everything I do have.

God Bless You and Your families today!!!

Take the time to thank somebody today for something they have done that has made you thankful for them. Giving thanks brings joy to everybodys hearts!!

Too busy?

2009-11-16T18:48:00.004-05:00

Ok so unemployment is busy! I cannot believe how much I have neglected my blog. I still keep up with all the other blogs I read and start forming a post in my mind, but I get sidetracked. I think I have caught ADD from my wonderful husband. Speaking of husband, I neglected to wish him a "Happy Anniversary" here on my blog, November 8 we celebrated 6 years of wedded bliss. Of course, if you had asked him how many years it was have probably been a much higher number, but he does have a tendency of exaggration:-)

The weather has been absolutely gorgeous here in the South, mid to high 70's. It is really hard to believe that it is the middle of November. I have not spent as much time outside as I would like, but I am trying to work on my "to do list" in case I have to go back to work soon. It appears that may be the case.

We celebrated Sam's 1st birthday yesterday. It was an absolutely perfect day, weather and celebration. Although, it was bittersweet for my personal since we never got the opportunity to have a one year birthday party for Walker. It was so wonderful to see our friends have permanent smiles on their faces as they helped their son enjoy his first birthday party.

I have been practicing with my new camera and realize that I have a long, long way to go before I could ever charge anybody for my services. Our teacher was amazing and so is his work. He was so generous to share his secrets and all the other things it took him years to perfect. Thank you Jarrad.

I will post some pictures that I took recently, you can be my judge!!

Thanks for checking in to still see if I was here, I will be better I promise.

I am Back

2009-11-04T18:38:00.003-05:00

My trip home was great. I was homesick (for hubby and pooch), but my trip seemed to fly by. I crammed in two Northern Michigan wine tastings. I have determined that I like white wine that is made in stainless steel barrels instead of oak barrels better. The main objective of my trip was to help my friend, Kari, organize her house. She has 3 children, 6, 4 and 9 mo. WOW! I was exhausted!!! I dont think I have ever seen so many kids clothes and toys. Although, there was more I wanted to get done for her (shoulda skipped one of those wine tastings:-)) we got all three kids rooms done and a converted coat closet into a activity room for the kids.
To all of you parents, you are awesome. It is amazing the amount of energy I needed to get through the day. My quiet reserved life is so much calmer.
This is what Michigan looks like in the Fall...

I would love to take credit for the picture, but I stole it from here. She is from MI too. I learned a very valuable lesson as a new photographer. Make sure your battery is charged and/or bring your battery charger. These fancy cameras dont take just any kind of battery. I did not get many pictures. I did lug the camera and the big lens with me in my carry on. Lesson learned.

My trip there was terrible. I have always hated Delta airlines and was very disappointed that Northwest merged with them. After sitting on the plane for about 3 hours they cancelled our flight due to "weather". Interesting the next flight left an hour later for the same destination with no delays. This was after we were in line on the tarmac to take off and had to return to the gate because our flight crew would be over their 14 hours by the time we reached our destination. I couldnt get on a flight until the next day and they wouldnt give me a seat. I decided to rent a car with a fellow passenger and drive the 4 hours north from Detroit. It was miserable, but I arrived safely. I will be writing a letter to Delta requesting reimbursement for my flight since the flight crew delayed and ultimately cancelled out flight since I guess they don't know how to read the clock BEFORE they pushed away from the gate.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

2009-10-22T19:20:00.003-04:00

Sorry about the bad image, not sure how to increase the size without making it blurry. Leaving for the possibly snowy north for 10 days. Leaving the husband with the high maintenance pooch. Made dinners for 10 days with two homemade apples pies. He should be full and happy.

Hopefully, he will miss me too!!

Models

2009-10-20T20:00:00.003-04:00

My class was awesome!! Very informative and hopefully some of what I heard will have sunk in and will be able to use when needed.

Jarrad Lister Photography is who hosted our class and shared all of his secrets of success with us. I met some really great people and hope to stay in touch with them. There was a wide range of experience and cameras. It was great to here other advice and questions from fellow up and coming photographers.

Well having this lady as your model for the day wasn't difficult. She is beautiful and made our pictures look great even if they weren't. Amanda Pennekamp Bluestein was Miss South Carolina 2004 and 1st runner up at Miss USA 2004. She was so nice and personable. She was gracious and kind, she stood for hours and let us all get in her face. Isn't she beautiful??

After my class, I went to a friends house and got the chance to photograph Doc's brother. It is amazing that dogs can look so much like their siblings and parents. CRAZY!!

Meet McCray.....

oh and his little friend Toby.....

Frame of Mind

2009-10-11T15:18:00.003-04:00

Here is the frame of mind I have been in. This camera demands all of your attention. Believe me you have to read the manual on this one. It has been a little overwhelming but exciting trying to figure it all out. It is a Canon 50D and it is a great camera. Maybe a little more than I need at this point, but hopefully I will have it mastered.

Espically after next Saturday when this courageous professional photographer offers to teach us subpar photo experts what the heck to do with these cameras we bought. You know we all want to capture that picture that puts us in the history books:-)

Here is my model. He is so patient and willing to please. He doesnt care what the photo actually looks like just that I am paying attention to just him. He doesnt mind that he gets pushed and pulled around the yard as long as it means I am touching him and he isnt far from me at any given point. He loves me regardless.

Oh yea and the tire in his mouth, he loves that too. Of course, he is a Lab and has to have something in his mouth at all times.

Here, well he is over being the model. He has dropped the toy and just wants to go inside. He was playing hard to get. Pretending that if he doesnt look directly at me I will get the point and let him go.

You were the best model Doc. Just wait until I really learn how to use this camera you want to eat, you will be printed and posted all over the house!!

A Different Kind of Pain

2009-09-27T21:54:00.002-04:00

We have talked about getting tattoo's in honor/memory of Walker. First we waited until we designed or found the perfect one that meant something to each of us. It seemed like it took us forever to really find one that fit each of us perfectly. I have to give Jennifer Nettles credit for mine, but of course I adapted it to fit me by adding the W in the center.

So Jeff designed his and the artist helped him tweek it some. It looks perfect!! You may have to turn your head to the side so you can get the full effect.

We love and miss you so much Walker. You will be forever etched in our hearts and now on our arms.

Fall means Football

2009-09-20T10:45:00.003-04:00

This is my favorite time of the year. The cooler air, leaves changing and FOOTBALL!! I love college football. My wonderful husband prefers NFL, but either way it is that time of the year.

Here we are supporting our "home" team. Although we are there any more we try to support all teams from Michigan.

Our beloved Lions need everybody's support since they are sorely lacking in the winning category. Oh well, we still are fans!

Who is your favorite team?

Tired

2009-09-11T22:24:00.002-04:00

Tonight I am extra tired. I finished reading a book and it hit me really hard. It was about a man engaged to a women he was "supposed" to marry. Of course he meets his soul mate and breaks off his engagement. There were fields fire (rural Kansas) and the fiancee' severely burned and the soul mate died. The fiancee' died in the hospital and was revived. Long story short while she was down, the soul mate came back in the fiancee's body when she was revived.

I didnt really do the story justice, but it touched my heart to the core. What a story! I couldnt help but think of Walker. Some days it overwhelming how much I miss him and wish that he was here living with me in some form. I completely broke down. It was uncontrolable sobbing. It must have been long overdue. Now my eyes are completely swollen and I am exhausted.

Along with this mini-breakdown, I have not been feeling well. My last IF treatment was the end of May. They take a real toll on your body and hormones,but it has been months so they should be out of my system. I have several different blood tests, but nothing seems to show up. I am tired, slight weight gain, emotional, etc. Plus, no AF for two months. Yes, I have been tested and No I am not pregnant (unfortunately) Never ever in my whole life except when I was pg with Walker have I ever missed a period. I started my period about 5-6 weeks after I had Walker and was breastfeeding. When we lost Walker and I was in serious grieving and stress I had a period. Every 28 days, always.

So there is no rhyme or reason to what is going on with me, but I don't feel good. I am going to have my thyroid tested and see what comes of that. Anybody out there had anything funky go on with their bodies??

Or am I just specially weird:-)??

Job Anyone?

2009-09-03T21:44:00.002-04:00

I have become a victim of the economy and a poorly run bank. They closed our division down yesterday. They will layoff 12 off us at the end of the month (2 were already layed off a couple months ago).

We were a successful, money making division, but when you have bad management you have a very weak bank. It is interesting though that a new president took over and he got a $550,000 signing bonus!!! WTF???

How does that even make sense? People losing their jobs and presidents getting bonuses like that. Crazy, crazy.

So has anybody changed careers by choice or not, that LOVE what they do? I am thinking about a career change.

If you cant say something nice.....

2009-08-26T21:17:00.003-04:00

You know the old saying, everybody has been told it at one point in their life. Well, it sums up how I feel about almost everything. I don't have alot of nice to say about anything. I am in a 3 year rut. Grumpy, sad, pissed, sad, angry, sad, sad and sad. Depressed, I am sure.

What I can't seem to get over is "accepting" my life the way it is. I am sick of it and I know that those around me have to be too. I don't really talk about it much anymore because nothing new really comes out of my mouth. Repeat, repeat and repeat.

I am still on my boycott, being mad at God. But....it is exhausting and overwhelming. It is time for me to get over myself and start to figure out what God has for me. I am actually desperate for it, living thru this anger is tooo much work.

I recently read a blog of another couple that lost their daughter when she was two days old. Their faith in God is actually unbelievable to me, cannot even remotely image myself being that dependant on God. Believing and hoping that my Faith can grow to be like that is inspiring. Here is their story.

God wants more for me and from me.

Making New Friends

2009-08-19T19:29:00.002-04:00

The past week has been filled with a lot of emotion and sadness. Along with it we have had the opportunity to make some new friends. Our friend Diane's funeral was last Thursday (August 13th) it was sad for all us espically her husband and her family. There were so many questions left that nobody will ever know the answers to. It broke my heart to listen to the what if's, If I had just, how could we not have known, etc. It is now time for the healing to begin. What a long road it will be, but a path they must follow.

Diane's husband is from England. They had moved back here to the states a couple of years ago and lived in Arizona. He has some very dear friends that flew in from Ireland. We were fortunate to have them in our home for most of their trip.

It was incredible to meet these two men. To listen to their lives and traditions and how many of them varied so much from ours it was hard to even imagine. They are both police officers there and had so much to talk with my hubbie about.

We as Americans have no idea of what it is like to live in a constant war zone. To listen to a normal day at work for them had me dumbfounded. How sheltered we really live here in our country. Although I never intentionally take our "peace" for granted, I realized talking to them I sure do. We are so fortunate here. The bombings, riots, the raids, the streets being filled with angry mobs, etc. WOW!!!

What a sad circumstance to have met some great people that we hope to stay friends with for the rest of our lives. Diane brought an opportunity to bring us all together to say goodbye to her and hello to each other.

Rest in Peace, Diane.

Motives

2009-08-06T22:25:00.002-04:00

We are all motivated by different emotions. Anger, fear, sadness, jealousy, greed, etc. It is amazing how we react to all these different emotions.

I am tired and sad tonight. We were woken at 3am to be told one of our friends had taken her life. We are so terribly sad for her husband and family. It breaks my heart that she felt like she was in a place so bad that she couldn't reach out to any of us. That none of knew that she was hurting so badly or struggling with things we were not aware of.

We dont have all of the horrible details since they live out of state, but we are praying for peace for all those that loved her. Loss is so difficult to live with. It tears you apart bit by bit, you are never the same. With situations like this, the guilt that you leave for those left behind is an emotion that can never be resolved. You have left the what if's and the why's that can never be answered.

Use whatever resources you have in your life. You are loved by more people than you can ever imagine. Reach out, somebody wants to help you and be that shoulder for you.

Death, a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Reach out, love your neighbor, love each other.

Interior Design

2009-07-30T16:01:00.002-04:00

We have been working on so many projects on our house for the last few years. It is basically all new, which can be good or bad. That depends on what your style is. I dont really have a style. I like what I like.

I search creative websites on how to use what you have and reuse. How to find bargains and reuse, etc. My husband hates my "ideas".

Here is a website that I love to follow: http://theletteredcottage.blogspot.com/ and her new store she has: http://www.letteredcottagehome.com/.

Happy decorating!!!

Northern Michigan

2009-07-28T14:37:00.003-04:00

We planned on spending the week in Michigan, but ended up coming a few days early. My dad has had a couple mini-strokes and ended up in the hospital for cartoid artery surgery. His artery was 99% blocked, thankfully they did the surgery quickly. We made it here a few hours before the surgery after driving all through the night. He came through the surgery and he is home and feeling ok. Thank goodness he had the symptoms before a major stroke happened. God was sitting on his shoulder.

We spent the weekend in Torch Lake with my roommates from college and took my niece to play with all of the kids. Torch Lake is supposed to be one of the most beautiful lake in the country. It was absolutely beautiful there.

Here are all of us girls, chillin by the water.

At the end of a beautiful day. It didnt rain where we were, but it must have rained on the other side of the lake with this beautiful rainbow.

Our last night at the campfire. It was a beautiful weekend with great friends and family. There is no place better to be in the summer than northern Michigan.

Happy Birthday!

2009-07-20T22:55:00.002-04:00

Happy Birthday to me! The last year of being in my 30's!! Whew, were has the time gone.

The last three years I have "gotten through." It is really all I could manage. Each day I would say today was going to be the day I started to really live again. That day will never come, I will never live again like I did when my son was alive. Now I live with a hole in my heart that will always be there.

What I hope for in the next year while I am still young and in my 30's (:-)) is that I can accept what I do have each day. Try not to live in the past and hope for something in the future. Just live that day to its fullest. It will not be easy, there are so many things I miss and regret that I dont have, hope for still.

My struggle with God still battles inside my head and heart. My hopes are that although I think he is a cruel God for the things I have had to deal with, I hope that what he is needing me to know/learn will soon be evident to me. That the lesson that is there for me can someday be used to help somebody else that is in pain like I have been.

Happy Birthday to me!!

Terribly Unexciting

2009-07-11T10:21:00.004-04:00

There is NOTHING exciting going on around here. We are doing ALOT of home improvements to get ready for a couples wedding shower on August 8th. It is great for me because hubby has to do all the projects small and large that I have wanted done for months (years some).

To give you an update of what is going on with increasing the size of our family....nothing. We have decided to do nothing. We will not be doing any more fertility treatments, no DSS foster/adopt and no private adoption. We will be trying to accept that the life we currently have is the life we will have always.

I have decided for me that the emotional rollercoaster of adding to our family is too much for me. If we are meant to have more children, then they will have to drop into our lap, literally. If there is a child or newborn out there that finds their way to us ,who knows through what route, we will consider adopting. Only by the grace of God will I ever get pregnant again. (very unlikely)

On that note, I am still pretty angry at God on where I am with all of this Walker, baby, pregnancy disappointment. I have not really worked out where it all fits in to my life right now. I joke that I have boycotted God. Honestly, I am not really joking. My feelings on all that are so jumbled and selfish that there is no point in trying to explain them, because I have a tendency to go in circles.

For those of you whose faith is still strong and intact, please pray for me (us) because I just don't have it in me to do it anymore.

Happy 4th of July!

2009-07-04T16:40:00.004-04:00

God Bless all the men and women who serve this country to keep us free and safe. To all the men and women who serve and protect us everyday.

To my husband, thank you for doing what you love even though it is a very unappreciated and thankless job. I love you and am very proud of you.

(thank you for standing there while I took your picture:-))

What a Great Town!

2009-07-03T10:30:00.007-04:00

Nashville~what a great town! I met one of my roommates from college there with some of her fellow doctors for an optemetric conference. They flew in a couple days early to hang out and see the city. I drove (5 1/2 hours) to meet them. We had a blast and saw a couple of hopeful up and coming bands.

Here is my past roomie: Dr. Kari and me

The whole group of us on our first stop of the night.

The Stage, Nashville TN.

One of the up and coming bands.

One of the hopefuls - Lew.is Cop.elan.d and me at The Stage. Check out his band, he has a single out and an album in August.

Last, but not least my new boots!!! I love them. They are Luchesse Anteater boots. I have only gotten the chance to wear them around the house, but I am very excited about them.

Unfortunately, I dont have the pictures on my camera but the other up and coming band/artist is Jason Jones. He just signed a big contract. I will get to say I saw him when.

If you want a great weekend with a lot of live music visit Nashville. It was great.

Nashville~what an amazing town!

Going Back In Time

2009-06-23T20:25:00.002-04:00

This is going to seem like a very strange post and it is. My emotions have been very low to say the least. I keep going through my mind of the hows and whys I was able to get pregnant and stay pregnant once, but it seems to elude me now. I understand that I am 4 years older, but I am a healthy person. I take care of myself and all my stats are great.

How many people do you know that would go back to one week before delivery when they are the size of a small house? How many would LOVE to endure the discomfort, pain and the inability to really do anything well? Who would trade my size now for this?

(I was huge people. There are few people I have seen in person or pictures that were as big as this with one baby!!!! Sorry for the full on skin picture, but it is the only one that give my actual size justice)

Me!!! This is one week before I delivered Walker (yes, I did get bigger.) I would trade places with myself now and go back. The things I would do differently and (alot of) things I would do the same.

I mad, frustrated, angry, hurt, disappointed, disillusioned and don't get me started on the conversations I have had with and about God lately. He has set a path for our lives, but can I just say I am not happy about mine right now. In the grand scheme I know that it doesnt matter what I want or think it should be, but I have to live this every day and I want a say too.

Crazy, selfish, un-Christian like? Maybe, but very very truthful. It is almost impossible for me to explain the pain and anger that I feel these days. The life that is laid out in front of me that I have to live whether it is my choice or not.

Back to figuring out how to suck it up and be thankful for the things I have (there are alot of them) and forget about the things I want.

Some Entertainment

2009-06-19T22:55:00.007-04:00

This is what I did this week. Although, I am a dumb-dumb and didn't take my real camera, I had to resort to my phone/camera. Which by the way, I barely know how to use. So can you guess who was almost close enough for me to jump over the rail and touch? Or who my friend Anna did get to touch? He was standing on a little platform built in the seat next to her? That she offered to me earlier on in the concert?

Keith Urban!!!! (and Sugarland opened for him)

There he is on stage, you can only see him on the screen behind.

And last but not least me. Yes, I did get all my hair cut for the summer. I love short hair. I was so glad to get rid of that mess I had going on. It appears I may need to think about some Botox too?!?!?

We had a blast and it was nice to get out and enjoy myself during a really crappy week.
Hope you all had a good week.

I Stink At Blogging!!

2009-06-11T12:28:00.002-04:00

I have been terrible, I know. We have had company for the last 10+ days, so I have a small excuse. Pictures will be coming of Part 2 of the 40th birthday soon.

What I have learned after having a family of 5 in my house (3 kids - 5 and under) is that my life is very simple and QUIET!! haha. We LOVED having them for their family vacation. All of us, including Doc (my 9 1/2 yr. Lab) are exhausted.

The amount of energy those kids have and require you to have is amazing.

Maybe God has really been trying to tell us that we just aren't cut out for it?!?!?!

Part 1 of The girls 40th Birthday Weekend

2009-05-31T18:06:00.002-04:00

Two of my roommates from college came into town to celebrate the 40th birthdays. Although, we missed Kari she will be here tomorrow with her family. We will celebrate her birthday too. We aren't used to not having all four of us together, but we tried to have fun.

The second 8 hour day in the pool. Loving life with a pool in the backyard.

Loving the sun together.

Hmmmm, too much fun had by some???

We still look pretty good huh??

Love you guys! I wish we were still within walking distance of each other. Glad we can still pick right back up after this many years.

Happy Birthday tomorrow Kathi! Happy Belated Birthday Kari and I look forward to seeing you and your family tomorrow.

Another One Bites The Dust

2009-05-18T21:32:00.005-04:00

Another cycle that is. We did a SOIUI (super ovulation inuterine insemination) and although we had 5 good size follicles (4 smaller ones), estrogen over 1000 and 9.4 million gradiant prep sperm.......no dice. No pregnancy, no baby.

I am sorry that I didn't share that we were doing a cycle, but we kept it on the down low. Thinking it would be easier if this was the outcome and we had ANOTHER failed procedure.

Thank you to all of you would prayed for us even though you didn't know what to pray for specifically. We felt the prayers and support. What seems to be harder and harder to accept is that GOD does not think we should have another biological child. While some of you think that is ok we can adopt, you are right, BUT I have this incredibly STRONG desire to birth another child.

It is so hard not to feel like a failure, to feel less of a woman, to be a wife that cannot provide what most every other women seems to do so easily. While you can tell me that I am none of those things and that my husband loves me regardless, I know that you are right. It doesn't stop me from feelings those things.

Hope and Faith were two things that I refused to give up while going through procedure. Well now that it has failed yet again....these are two things I am struggling to keep in my vocabulary.

I really appreciate all of you and your hope and faith for us.

I am still Walker's Mom

2009-05-13T22:18:00.002-04:00

Sunday sucked again. For the 2nd year in a row, my husband had to work. I would have gone home to be with my mom had we had a little more notice, but that isn't how it works with police officers.

I decided to stain the deck on my screened in porch. It took me ALL day. I had Christian music playing and some soul searching with lots of conversations with GOD.

Regardless of whether I will have more children either physically or adopted, I am STILL Walker's mom. Sometimes it hurts so badly knowing that I don't get to parent him here on earth, that I miss the memories we had on our only Mothers Day together.

Today the pain has subsided from Sunday and I am so happy that I am still his mom.

I LOVE YOU WALKER, your mommy misses you.
XOXOXOXO

Slacker

2009-05-05T21:00:00.002-04:00

I have been a blogger slacker. I haven't done well on keeping up with yours and have certainly not kept up with mine.

Congrats to you on your BFP's (big fat positive) and on finding out the sex of your newest additions. You all have been very blessed.

As I mentioned last time we have alot going on in our lives right now. None of which I feel comfortable talking about still, but totally appreciate all of the positive words and prayers. I promise I will fill you in when I am able.

This past weekend we received some very sad news that a fellow classmate from high school died in a freak accident. She was 37 years old and at her child's track meet. There is some conflicting news still on exactly what happened, but she was headed to the infield to meet with her child and hit her head. She died instantly.

HOW???? How do these absolutely unnecessary tragedies happen? I lost a child before he ever got to be in the prime of his life. Before he got to crawl, talk, walk, play sports, attend church/school, tell me he loved me, find the love of his life, get married, have children, etc.

She was in the prime of her life. Married her high school sweetheart and had two children. Living the dream she had as a child growing up. I am so sadden for her family and friends. Please pray for peace for her family. This type of grief is so difficult, so unimaginable. You cannot prepare yourself for this. Pray that her child does not carry any guilt that this happened at his sporting event. It is so easy to accept responsibility in situations that you shouldn't.

Life throws you so many curves balls you cannot anticipate, get out your mitts we can catch them if we try. Life is not impossible if you concentrate on what matters.

Treatments

2009-04-28T20:43:00.002-04:00

Treatments, which kind you ask? There are so many I am going through now. I am still seeing the acupunturist weekly, it relaxs me and seems that it is helping with my levels. Specifically, my FSH dropped over 3 points, below 9 so back within the "normal" range. Last week, I started seeing a hypnotherapist. Yes, I have now been hypnotized.

It is not ANYTHING like I thought it would be. It was a very, very relaxed state. I heard everything she said to me, remember it all and tried fighting it the whole time. Hopefully my subconscious has soaked it all in and can work on my "issues" without me even knowing.

The RE office, well there are some things going on. There is nothing to report at this time, but hopefully there will be some developments soon.

We went to the DSS (department of social services) Orientation on Foster/Adoption last night. WOWOWOWOWOWOW!!! If birth parents had to make even a portion of the effort that we will have to go through to adopt a child the world would be a MUCH better place. Obviously, they need to ensure that these kids have a second opportunity to a good life. A life that does not involve living in fear, stress, disappointment, agony, etc.

The stories we heard were very sad and we didn't even touch the tip of the iceberg. We still have some things to discuss and decide before we move forward. Hopefully, we can give a needy child a wonderful home.

Ready, Set, GO!!

2009-04-20T21:09:00.004-04:00

We have made a decision on what we want to do next in regards to our (in)fertility journey. I am not ready to go into all the details quite yet. I have become a little superstitous throughout this whole process and prefer to keep everything close to the vest, for now.

Please though if you could all do us one HUGE favor and pray for us over the next weeks/month. We would greatly appreciate knowing that there are extra peeps out there praying for us to get and stay PG.

"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded, you need to perservere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Heb 10:35-36

Thanks be to God.
Amen.

Wordless Wednesday (or Not)

2009-04-15T20:11:00.002-04:00

I have been crazy busy lately, but nothing of great excitement. We had some friends in town for a couple days with their two kids, 8 and 9 and an 8 week old chocolate lab puppy. We are not used to that much excitement in our house. It made us wonder if we were really ready to have that in our life. YES we are!!!

So I have asked for prayer and guidaince on some things that have been going on. On March 3rd, we secretively had our FET (frozen embryo transfer). Unfortunately, it didn't stay. We were pregnant for 1 week. Just like before, I wish we would have just gotten a negative, but that tiny bit of hope just tears you apart. We thought it was gonna be different, we thought the odds increased when the one embryo thawed perfectly. But nope, another loss.

That being said, what do we do next? It has not stopped us from wanting a baby!! Our baby!! Unfortunately, that means going through IVF one more time. The money, the shots, the emotions, the bruising, the emotions (did I mention the emotions?).

Now I am back on the decision roller coaster. WHAT DO WE DO????

Our saving account was pretty drained from last time, we got to write a nice check to the wonderful IRS, our basement is still not finished and another IVF??? It feels a little irresponsible to spend that much money in this economy, but time is not on my almost 39 year old self. Am I being selfish? am I being stupid? am I ever going to be a mom again??

Please pray for some guidance and lots of fertile eggs!!!

Happy Birthday Walker

2009-04-05T23:30:00.000-04:00

Today April 5th you would have been 3 years old. We waited for you for so long and you were amazing. We couldn't have asked for a more perfect baby. I could sit down and write about you for pages and pages, but physically and emotionally it is more than I can handle.

Below is the first time I saw you. I thought you looked perfect even though you looked pissed. We rested assured that your lungs worked perfectly.

We miss you every second of every day angel boy. We know your birthday in heaven was better than anything we can imagine here on earth.

We love you Walker!!!!

Wordless Walker Wednesday

2009-04-01T21:41:00.004-04:00

Five Weeks Old

Prayer

2009-03-30T22:15:00.003-04:00

how do you know the answer? I mean when you are praying for guidance and help with a decision, how do you know that you are hearing God's answer or just what YOU want to hear? I have to make a decision, but I need help. I need God's help.

I think I know what to do, but am I thinking with emotion only? Does it make sense to take this road or am I just to pigheaded to hear anything else, but my own needs?

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to prayer, as long as you are speaking honestly to God. How do you hear the answers? or advice? or suggestions? or path to follow?

Any and all opinions matter, please leave me yours.

Thanks.

Gifts and Donations

2009-03-25T19:26:00.003-04:00

Let me start by saying that I am not a good seamstress. My Mom is AWESOME, but I never wanted to learn. So a few years ago she bought me a machine and I took lessons. I will never make big bucks, but I can sew a basic straight line (as long as you don't get a ruler out:-))

I decided to make some blankets for babies/kids. The have chenille on one side and cotton on the other. The finished size is about 30 X 34, in that range. Again, not an exact science for me.

These two shown are gifts for dear friends of my who have little ones. I have lots more fabric to make additional blankets. We will see how skilled I get before I decide if I can charge for them, but for now they will be gifts. I also plan on making up a bunch and donate them to the PICU department of the hospital where Walker was. The day we lost him they wrapped him in a quilt that had been made and donated. Although we didn't take it home and didn't need to, it was alot nicer than a hospital blanket to hold him in that last time he was in my arms.

So I will make some and donate them. If they are lucky enough to get to take their babies home they can have them. If not, they will be there for the next family to use. Whatever the hospital decides the best use for them is fine for me.

I am thinking of having some tags made to sew on the blankets in memory of Walker. I dont want to put Made in Memory of Walker because I don't want other people to feel the stress of that while they are in their own situation. Any suggestions???

Spring Has Sprung

2009-03-24T20:41:00.005-04:00

When we moved into our house it was late January and this was cut down to a stump. We thought they had cut down a tree since it was so close to the pool and didn't grind the stump. Within the a few months, this is what we saw.

The casual name for it is "Tulip Tree", but we think it is some kind of magnolia bush. Anybody know what this is called?

Hope Spring is coming to your area soon.

Randomness

2009-03-14T21:43:00.004-04:00

I haven't been around much lately, but I have been thinking of you all. I have alot weighing on my mind lately. I am not ready to discuss it all out in the open yet, but I appreciate everybody praying for some peace in my mind. What has seemed to have happened is that I have been spending alot of quiet time praying. I feel lost and can't seem to find the right side of up on anything. It was so wonderful having my parents here for a few weeks, but it is always so hard when they leave. I wish it was easier to be closer to them. I am really dissatisfied and unhappy at work, but feel stuck and unmotivated to find something new. This economy has really put a damper on the environment we are used to living in. There is this pull in me to do something new, something creative but I haven't put my finger on it yet.

My dad spotted this in our neighbors tree. I cannot believe from that distance he could tell it was a groundhog, but here it is. I have never seen a live groundhog before let alone in a tree. Interesting.

My crazy dog, Doc. Since he is now the solo dog he is actually much better behaved. He doesnt feel that he has to compete with the other dogs for attention. It is really amazing that he has always been at least 1 of 2,3, or 4 dogs that he would be so jealous and competitive. He is much calmer, almost like a different dog. We had fun playing with him on the floor and snapped some funny shots. Hope you get a good laugh at our big man, doc.

He thinks he is a 110 lb lap dog. This is new behavior, wanting to climb up into our laps. One of the only traits of a lab he posseses is ALWAYS haing something in his mouth. He doesn't fetch, but he doesn't let go of anything.

Faith

2009-03-08T21:04:00.002-04:00

This is not a great picture since it is in my hallway and I could not get a straight on picture. Hopefully, you can read it all.

faith

is the strength by which a shattered world

shall emerge into the light

I feel that is exactly where my life is right now. Which is a nice refreshing turn.

Have a happy week!!

Let it Snow

2009-03-03T19:52:00.006-05:00

Since I am unable to figure out how to load pictures in the correct order, here is this morning.

The front of my house last night during the storm.

Me outside in the midst of the storm with my dog running around.

This was about 1/2 hour into the storm.

Just a view of our yard. Let is snow!!

It is hard to believe that this is South Carolina, I was used to this at home in Michigan. The good news is that it will be in the 70's by the end of the week.

Hope you are all staying warm where you are tonight!!

Snow in South Carolina

2009-03-01T21:00:00.003-05:00

Hey! Just a quick update my parents are here from MI and have been excited about the warmer weather here. It SNOWED today. I will post pictures later.

How is the weather where you are?

Wordless Walker Wednesday

2009-02-25T20:35:00.003-05:00

April 27th, 2006

3 weeks old

Wordless Walker Wednesday

2009-02-18T21:07:00.004-05:00

April 8, 2006

3 days old getting ready to leave the hospital or taking a nap with daddy

A Long Weekend

2009-02-16T12:50:00.002-05:00

I have today off, so it is really a long weekend. I could get used to working 4 days a week or not at all:-) Things have been really low key here. We have just been laying low and trying to become introspective. It seems like who I am and where I am going seems to change daily.

We had a meeting at church yesterday about officially joining. We have been attending our church for about 3 years, but have never become members. We were both baptised at infants (Methodist and Lutheran), but we will have to be baptised by immersion in the Baptist church. We both feel very at home at this church, they have welcomed us with open arms. We attended the church with some friends of ours while I was pregnant. When we lost Walker, they rallied behind us. It was amazing what they did for us in our time of need. They didn't even know us, we were new and had only been going there for a few months. That is the kind of church family we were searching for when we tried to find a church family.

I am struggling with a couple things emotionally. They are things that I am not ready to discuss yet. Please help me by praying for God to show me the way, the way he wants me to take. One of my New Years Resolution was to become closer to God, for me that it to learn to step back and let God. To realize (finally) that I am not in control. Difficult? Extremely. for those of you that don't know me, I have always been a control FREAK. It is a new year and a new me!!

Happy Belated Valentines Day to all of you. I hope your valentine was extra special and loving to you. Mine was