Monday, May 3, 2010

Where are you?

That is how I feel about myself, where am I? As I go through the days I am physically present, but mentally seem to be out in lala land. After our ultrasound last Tuesday we were cleaning up from dinner and it occurred to me that I didn't seem to be acting as excited about this ultrasound as we were with Walker. As I mentioned this to my husband I had to admit that it is because I am TERRIFED.

It is almost like if we don't get attached it won't hurt as badly if something happens. Don't get me wrong we are VERY excited, but we know what is at stake and what can happen.

We were generously given clothes from a friend of ours and I decided it was time to sort through what we already had and what she had given us. It was so emotional to go through all of Walker's clothes. It was certainly a walk down memory lane. It was as though I relived some of the days he wore certain outfits. It was hard, it was painful. Espically at a time I should be over the moon about a new life and a part of me is. It is almost like I am betraying Walker, by being so excited about his brother.

We are using the same furniture and a few of the same clothes, mostly only PJ's. Everything else will be new and different. We know this baby is not Walker but his baby brother. This child deserves to be his own self not live in Walker's shadow. But I feel like I live through Walker's shadow, through his memory sometimes.

It feels as though I am two people now, one living in the past with one son and moving on with another son. Walker taught us so much as parents and even more as human beings who suffered great tragedy. I believe we will be even better parents (a little more cautious at times) because of what we have learned and have become through his passing.

We know how blessed we are to be welcoming another son into this world, we grieved over the loss of Walker and the inability to get pregnant for so many years. We are trying to relax and know that everything we be okay. We are excited (although nervous) about our son coming into this world, we can't wait to meet him and hold him in our arms.

1 comment:

Lara said...

I can only imagine how difficult the clothing would be. Going through my kids' clothing, I always remember when they wore certain outfits. I think you are wise to buy this baby his own clothing.