Thursday, February 18, 2010

Wondering about the What

It is really hard for me some days to not wonder about what our (Jeff and I) lives would be like if Walker was still here. I try not to tortue myself with it as much as in the beginning of life without him, but nonetheless I still do. What would my life be like with an almost 4 year old?

This past weekend we were invited to join some friends at some of their friends house. (hey lips:-)) It was great to meet new people and enjoy a snowy sunny day in the South with all these great couples, oh yea and all their kids. As you know, I normally avoid these types of situations because I never know how well I will react or interact.

This is how I know I have grown and healed some since losing Walker. There were two little boys there who were very close in age to where Walker should be, one was 4 in October and one will be 4 in a week or so. In addition, there was an older child whose name was.....WALKER. I caught my breathe and my heart skipped a beat everytime his mom said his name. Several times I had to control my breathing and the tears that were on the verge of falling down my face, but I survived and I am a stronger mother of a child in heaven because of the experience.

Even a year ago I could not have enjoyed that day. Not a chance!! Although, I missed my little man and the opportunity to see him run and play in the snow with the other kids, I enjoyed myself. It was nice to be welcomed into a circle of friends who are basic strangers to us. It was nice to learn that the broken spots inside my body have healed enough that I won't shatter to pieces if I am sad. It was nice to know that I actually can be happy and sad all at the same time and not feel guilty about it.

It doesnt stop me wondering what life would be like if he was here, but it helped me acknowledge that life does go on either way.


Kelley Smith Style said...

i'm gonna beat you b/c you made me cry! thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this with us. i truly believe that the lord orchestrated the whole glad you were able to get something out of it.
i love you, my friend!


k@lakly said...

I still have to close my ears when I hear someone say Caleb. I had never known a child with that name before we chose it for our son. And then, only days later(days after we lost him) as my daughter entered kinder, one of her classmates was, of course, named Caleb. And she has become friends with him. So I try to become used to hearing his name but I don't like it. Because I don't want any other face to come to my mind when I hear his name, but his.
I'm so glad that you were able to find joy in the day. You deserve it. Lot's of it.