Friday, February 12, 2010

The Whys

When anything happens in our lives and we don't have a clear understanding it seems the first question is always "Why?" Or as most times in my life "Why me?" Espically after losing Walker. For months, maybe even now as we approach his 4th birthday in April. WHY? WHY? WHY US? WHY WALKER?

Maybe it is a coping mechanism or just a selfish way of getting through life with its unexpected twists and turns. I can assure you that while I never wished it on anybody else, I did on many occasions wish it wasn't us/him. Which in turn says why not somebody else? I found many ways to justify it in my mind why that was acceptable.

What is bigger than all that this is the fact that IT doesn't have anything to do with us. We are never in control and have no say in the big picture of our lives. The only choice we have is do we believe God is our Saviour or don't we. Once you have made your only true choice in life, the rest is out of your hands.

I recently read a post by another couple (much more famous than us, if you listen to Christian music) who lost their son when he was 2 months old. They have dealt with several miscarriages and trials with fertility since. He asked a question on his blog, "Why not us?" Which is what Jeff asked me on several occasions when I was ranting and raving and crying my eyes off. Why not us?

Well, my reaction is because he was our baby and it wasn't supposed to be this way. To say life has been "easy" since would be a HUGE understatement. Everything that happens good or bad, it has makes me question. I feel most time that I am walking on nails, because I can't just relax. But, Jeff and I have made it through to the other side, together. There are so many families that go through this type of tragedy that end up divorced with broken families if they have remaining children. Maybe God picked us because he knew we would lean on each other, help each other, learn to accept the differences in grieving and appreciate that person on a whole different level.

I would be lying to say that I still wouldn't have wanted this happen EVER,  just so I could have realized some of those things about the strength of my husband and marriage. I could have just assumed those things and prayed they were there when I would have needed them. I would rather have my son back, period.

"Silly. Foolish. Shallow. Unaware of this reality: Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. (1 Peter 4:12)" to read more click here.

It is an interesting perspective on why and why not. How has your life been affected that you can turn that why into a why not?

1 comment:

Kelley Smith Style said...

great words...i have loved having the privilege of seeing you walk through this trial over the years. you've grown so much in many ways and, apparently, so has your marriage. i know you'd give anything to have walker back but, i'm glad that you're able to see how THE LORD has used this to grow you and your marriage.
love you!