Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Going Back In Time

This is going to seem like a very strange post and it is. My emotions have been very low to say the least. I keep going through my mind of the hows and whys I was able to get pregnant and stay pregnant once, but it seems to elude me now. I understand that I am 4 years older, but I am a healthy person. I take care of myself and all my stats are great.

How many people do you know that would go back to one week before delivery when they are the size of a small house? How many would LOVE to endure the discomfort, pain and the inability to really do anything well? Who would trade my size now for this?

(I was huge people. There are few people I have seen in person or pictures that were as big as this with one baby!!!! Sorry for the full on skin picture, but it is the only one that give my actual size justice)

Me!!! This is one week before I delivered Walker (yes, I did get bigger.) I would trade places with myself now and go back. The things I would do differently and (alot of) things I would do the same.

I mad, frustrated, angry, hurt, disappointed, disillusioned and don't get me started on the conversations I have had with and about God lately. He has set a path for our lives, but can I just say I am not happy about mine right now. In the grand scheme I know that it doesnt matter what I want or think it should be, but I have to live this every day and I want a say too.

Crazy, selfish, un-Christian like? Maybe, but very very truthful. It is almost impossible for me to explain the pain and anger that I feel these days. The life that is laid out in front of me that I have to live whether it is my choice or not.

Back to figuring out how to suck it up and be thankful for the things I have (there are alot of them) and forget about the things I want.


kjames106 said...

You look beautiful in that picture! I pray that you get that large again! :-)

God loves your honesty and He knows that you are aching so badly. Keep asking him because he will give you your heart's desire. You WILL be a mother again.

Lee-Ellen said...

That post brought tears to my eyes Dani. I am still in much prayer that God will grant you your desire.

Dani said...

Praying for you Dani! I can't imagine what you are going through. It's hurts my heart that you have to endure this. Please know I am praying!!

Please Lord grant Dani the desire of her heart. She so desperately wants to be a mom again and I pray you would give her that blessing!!