Let me backtrack a little and add this is a sad, feeling sorry for myself post. I am in that mood tonight.
The only time that I get the laptop when my husband is home is now that football is back. Welcome back Monday Night Football. He does try to get the TV and the laptop, but I guilt him into letting me have it for a while.
How exactly do you come to accept that you may not be parents again? How do you know when enough treatments are enough? Where do you draw the line? One more time, two more times, until we have no more money in savings and investments?
I married Jeff because I love him and want to spend my entire life with him, just him. Did I know that it might just be the two of us? Was I ok with it then? Am I ok with it now? Yes, I am. My life is about enjoying it to its maximum with my wonderful, loving, giving husband. What I
want is for us to enjoy our wonderful marriage with our children. I want them to learn Jeff's crazy laugh and wonderful sense of humor. To have his beautiful eyes with those
to die for long eyelashes. His forgiving never holds a grudge way of life. I want to take our children to the park, birthday parties, sledding at grandma and grandpa's in Michigan in the winter, to Church, to VBS, go on vacation with the girls and all their crews.
What do you do with the dreams when you are dealing with the unexplainable reasons of WHY you don't have children? Am I being dramatic? Maybe, I hope that I am.
Walker was truly a blessing to us. Even though this fertility journey has been HARD, it was so much harder losing my sweet baby boy. As I look at his pictures I sometime wonder if I will forget how it felt to hold him, nurse him, see him smile, hear him start to coo and talk to us? Will I forget his sweet smile the last night I put him to bed? He is our ANGEL. I miss him so much sometimes I feel like it will take my breath away. I LOVE YOU!!!
Back to now, they (the RE office) keep telling me that I will start to "bleed" very badly. Worse than I have ever had to this point. So being the paranoid overly prepared individual that I am, I continue to run to the bathroom every time I "feel" something. What would constitutes
very badly to you? More than a pantyliner? Me too, but that is all I have had. Is it going to hit me in another hour, day, week? Really, if it is over why cannot it not just get over? Of course, my
hopeful mind thinks MAYBE we only lost one, MAYBE I am not miscarrying, MAYBE this is just the spotting that everybody else has, MAYBE they got my blood mixed up with somebody else's? Yes, I know I torture myself. Not on purpose, its just my nature.
Hope -
believing that a better or positive outcome is possible even when there is some evidence to the contrary.